bits of sunshine

day 25

this is day 25.  that means the 21-day assignment is over and today is the last day of travel.  that means that this evening, we will all 4 be home together!  

before ben left, i asked for a picture of all of us together.  they humored me.  

teenagers

i have two. 
and i love them so very much. 
and i don't wish that they were little again. 
i kind of like that they are taller than me. 

i enjoy talking about issues and politics and morals and the bible and relationships with them.  i like seeing what they create, how they dress, how they set up their rooms, how they style their hair, what they write for homework assignments, how they interpret project directions.  i like to watch {some} of their shows and listen to {some} of their music.  

there isn't a day that goes by that i don't think about how i am parenting them, if i am doing a good job.  how much to direct.  how much to just let happen.  when to give advice.  when to give ultimatums.  how much sleep they need.  how much i should help with homework.  when i should visit with a teacher.  how much i need to know each of their friends.  what they are eating.  if they are taking their vitamins and eating some fruit and veggies.  when i should get on their case about cleaning their room or doing some dishes.  

ben and i talk often about our kids and what we see in them and how we want to continue with our parenting.  these conversations take time and effort and energy, but i wouldn't trade the time for anything.  and it seems like what we are doing is working pretty well so far.  we have an almost 15-year-old and a 16-year-old who are both doing pretty darn well in the decision-making and relating parts of life.  i certainly don't have it all figured out, but i am so willing to talk about what we do and why we do it if it might help others navigate their journey.  this is ongoing, of course, but it seems like the past week has offered ben and i opportunities to listen to our kids and to speak encouragement and advice into their situations, and to read some articles and instagram posts and a chapter in a leadership book that all speak to what is in my heart about parenting my kids.  here's some bits:

what were you thinking?!? understanding the teenage brain  -- a short excerpt on brain function.  after reading this article today, i put the book in my amazon cart because the author, frances jensen, says, "what i learned while writing this book is that there is still a lot of myth out there about teenagers. an attitude of, 'oh, they’ll be fine. they will bounce back. they will grow out of it.' well, teenagers do grow out of it, but i felt we were dismissing what they were doing during the teenage years. it’s an incredibly valuable and precious time. it’s a time you can still really scaffold your brain for your future life."  she also talks from a neurological standpoint about why they don't turn off lights and put dishes in the dishwasher.  she's speaking to me, i know it.   

what teenagers need from us (almost) more than anything else -- as we navigate all the busy-ness, our teens need us even when they withdraw from us.  i first read this article a couple years ago.  it resonated with me, i talked about it with ben, i shared it on facebook.  early this week, it popped up on my facebook memories, and i re-read it and wanted to share it with you.  i was going to share which of the five points resonated with me most . . . but they all resonate, deeply and clearly.    

dare to lead -- i am currently reading this book for our leadership miles city class.  there is so much in these pages that pertain to parenting and to marriage,or to any relationship, really, not just to work-place situations.  i wrote the following paragraph as an instagram post early this week:

. clear is kind . unclear is unkind . most of us avoid clarity because we tell ourselves that we’re being kind, when what we’re actually doing is being unkind and unfair . feeding people half-truths or flattery or a line of bull to make them feel better (which is almost always about making ourselves feel more comfortable) is unkind . not getting clear with our spouse, partner, child, friend, parent, colleague about our expectations because it feels too hard, yet holding them accountable or blaming them for not delivering is unkind . talking about people rather than to people is unkind . this lesson has the potential to wildly transform relationships and lives . clear is kind . unclear is unkind . . {mostly from p 48 in dare to lead} . {working on this in my own life . working on teaching this to my children . speaking and acting with clarity and integrity . speaking and acting with kindness .} .

and, in this vein, as i focus on clearly conveying my expectations to my children, i work on giving them the tools to make a completely informed decision about if they will do as i ask, or not do as i ask.  if i am clear, we both know if my expectations were respected and carried out or if my instructions and expectations were disregarded.  and what then, if my expectations are disregarded, do the consequences look like?  what consequence would be thought-provoking and restorative, not simply punitive and meted out because i am the boss around here.  wow.  these thought processes take effort.  there is no set-in-stone approach.  restorative consequences must be thought out in relation to each unique situation and attitude.  { @lightbreaksforth wrote a bit about this on october 22 on her instagram account }  

i am working on asking myself what each of my kids need to be their best self.  ben and i talk about this.  we are working at giving our kids the tools they need to be healthy in every sense of the word {in relationships, in rest, in exercise, in nourishment, in freedom, and with boundaries}, and then to help them know that they are worthy of being healthy.  

and a friend shared a post from @sageparenting that really says a lot of all of this, and some more, and seems to be a good way to wrap up this post:

tots and teens get a bad rap but i loved the toddler season and now i’m loving the teenage season. both are developmental stages when the body outpaces the brain, the amygdala outpaces the prefrontal cortex, and independence outpaces competence.
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but actually, the reason these seasons are so often experienced as the hardest in parenting is because the mainstream parenting approach backfires. if your relationship is based on dominance and control, you’re up a creek with no paddle. if your self-worth is based on your child’s obedience, you’re going to panic. you cannot punish a toddler out of a tantrum and you cannot punish a teen away from differentiation.
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but if your relationship is based on connection, trust, and freedom, these seasons feel seamless. if i’m being honest, i really do parent my teen the same way i parented my toddler - different shades of the same color.
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so for all of you dreading the coming season of adolescence, i’m here to whisper in your ear that teens are actually awesome. 

and on that note, my parent friends, go bravely, love fiercely, and be wonderful. 

and if you are not a parent, and you've read this far, maybe you understand your parent friends a little better.  and maybe there are some things here that will color the way you interact with your partner or your friends or your coworkers.  

to all of you dear ones, go gently, go bravely, love fiercely, and be wonderful.  

love, e

taste of summer

let me tell you about this summer
or maybe i want to tell myself so that i don't forget
some of what has been encompassed
in this summer of change
in this summer of settling
in this summer of growing

these words .:: change, settling, growing ::.  are definitely the framework for this summer

change: ben applied and was selected for a new position in june.  he is now a station manager, a fire operations supervisor.  he is based an hour from home - not two and a half or almost three.  maddie and isaac both had jobs this summer.  regularly scheduled jobs.  they also both have a favorite person to work out relating to and spending time with.  they are fourteen-and-a-half and almost-sixteen and will both be in high school this fall.  oh wow.  oh wow. 

{side trail.  when you have babies and toddlers, everyone tells you how fast your time with your kids goes/will go.  you vaguely believe them because you remember growing up and it doesn't seem like you lived with your mom and dad all that long - especially the older you get.  the older you get, the less of your life you spent under your parents' roof, so you kind of get what they are all saying.  but this.  this right here.  getting one set for ninth grade and one for tenth.  this makes it feel like it is all going fast.  really fast.  these tall, beautiful, wonderful people who hug me and make me feel small, who i love to talk with and listen to and laugh with.  there are all the ways they are growing and changing and becoming.   the having to say freshman and sophomore.  goodness, this all makes me feel the fastness, the speed, makes me believe them - the ones who say the things about time going fast.  it goes really fast.}

also - dramatic change for me - this is the first summer ever, in my whole life, that i have had an eight to five, monday through friday job.  while i appreciate the steadiness, the salary, the permanence, this is a strange, new situation for me, and i am learning how to function without a fluctuating schedule and without working on an as-needed basis.  my schedule doesn't vary from week to week.  i am not waiting for a phone call to know if i am needed for work the next day.  in some ways, i miss being the fill-in, the save-the-day, but in a lot of ways, i am also so very grateful that my position won't change this fall or this winter or in the spring.  i get to continue settling.

settling:  we are doing a lot of settling.  even with all the changing.  i have been repainting some rooms in our house, and touching up other worn places on the walls.  we got a few pieces of furniture and some rugs to make the kids' rooms even more comfortable.  a new mattress for isaac will really make his room feel complete.  we have slowly picked away at finding furniture that fits in each room of our house.  the guest room is very cozy and comfortable.  we have had many, many guests stay with us on their way through from east to west or west to east.  i love that we have a place to offer, a comfortable bed, a place to relax and have a meal.  this winter, ben built in a tv and game shelf in the den and we found a great sectional for that space.  i just ordered a new table and chairs for the kitchen that should work well and replace the hodgepodge we have going on in the corner of the kitchen right now.  on saturday, ben and i made a run for a craigs-list couch, and it was just exactly the right one for our living room.  i need to paint the stairwell, and then, the only painting left to do is the outside of the house.  we have a few more ideas for projects we would like to keep picking away at as we continue to settle into our house. 

we are settling with people.  we each have some good friends, people that we have connected with.  maddie and isaac have found their sports and activities, their youth group and their bible study group.  we are figuring out how we do life with the nature of ben's job, and as he settles into this new position, we will get to the point where we know what to expect more often than not.  that will be a wonderful settled feeling.  and we are all in positions where we are thriving and growing.   

growing: mainly isaac.  he's taller than me now and definitely not slowing down.  maddie has been taller than me for about two years now.  and she has been growing her hair longer again.  we have all grown our knowledge base in our jobs and with books we have read and studies we are doing this summer. 

then there are the hollyhocks.  hollyhocks between the sketchy neighbors' house and ours.  hollyhocks that are red and white and peach and magenta and pink.  hollyhocks that grew taller than the house, that filled in the view for these summer months.  hollyhocks that i hope will grow again next summer.  and we should be here to see them.  because we are settling.  staying.  doing our changing in this place. 

 

family pictures

it's that time of year. the time when all of a sudden i wish i had a really great picture of the four of us. you know, one the grandmas would want to hang on their fridges and one that really shows what we all look like to the friends and relatives we haven't seen in a while. a picture for the people who aren't on facebook or instagram. (yes, there are those people!) 

this year, one of our friends said she would take some pictures for us. and i am so grateful! yesterday we went across the street and we got some pretty great pictures - but why is it that my favorites are always the silly ones and the outtakes? i would just send those - but i know my mom and ben's mom will want pictures where they can see all of our faces . . . so i will go with one where we are all looking at the camera. but! i will also add two of the silly ones to our card. and i will post a little variety on social media. 

as i was choosing the pictures and making the card, i was struck by the fact that this will be the seventeenth christmas letter i have written as mrs. patten. this feels like some sort of milestone. i wonder if this is the last christmas picture where i will be taller than isaac? maddie is already quite a bit taller than me. maybe i will pull together a post of our christmas pictures through the years - that would be a fun trip down memory lane. for today - i am so very grateful for all these decembers, for all these years, and for the three wonderful people i get to call my own.

summertime time

time moves so strangely for us.  summertime time is fire season time.  and that doesn't even look the same from one season to the next.  this season, we are in a pocket of hot and very, very dry.  {we go to the river as often as we can for some wet and some green.} ben can be working a fire any given day, and may be camped out on one for one night or three nights or five nights or no nights.  he might be in the station for part of a day, but then be back out on a fire again by evening.  days of the week don't hold any particular meaning right now.  except monday.  monday nights the kids have band practice, so that acts as a marker in our weeks.  and i work monday through friday, so the kids and i can count on doing something that makes it feel a bit like a weekend on either saturday or sunday. 

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friday night :: my husband is out patrolling a fire that is just over the border to the south, a fire being fed by strong winds out of the south

he was home for two hours - 2000 until 2200.  he had supper.  he sat on the front step with maddie and chaco for a while.  i sat by him on the couch for about fifteen minutes or so.  and then his phone rang.  i packed up some of the chocolate chip cookies i made this evening and poured him a fresh cup of coffee, gave him as big a kiss as i dared in front of the kids, and told him, "i'll see you when i see you."

lightning is flashing, wind is whipping, the moon that was full and is now waning gibbous appears now and then from between cloud masses and lights the landscape

saturday morning :: bright sun.  wind out of the northwest today, changing to southwest sometime this evening.  red flag warning till 2100 this evening because the wind + sun + dry conditions + humidity lower than 30% and even dropping down in the low teens = dangerous fire conditions.  the guys were back in the station for about half an hour this morning.  the wind changed last night and kept the fire south of the border.  i was having a cup of coffee by ben when they got another call.  to a fire on their coverage area.  about 17 miles from our house.  depending on the behavior of the fire, the kids and i might drive out later to have a look and take some pictures. 

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if ben gets a day off right now, it is either wednesday or thursday.  but, they can also work 14 days straight and sometimes get an extension to work 21 days straight.  after 14, they have a mandatory 24 hours off, after 21, they have 48.  but there can be modifications.  this last stretch was 15 days with 24 hours off.  so, ben had thursday off, and i took thursday off, so we could spend the day together.  all four of us. because the next time we get to do this may very well be in september.

we made the most of our day.  we all slept in a bit, just enough to feel really rested.  we drove south and did some errands that needed doing.  we laughed and talked in the car together.  we ate lunch at one of our favorite restaurants.  we played in the river in spearfish canyon.  we ate treats.  ben and i drank coffee.  we brought pizza and a movie home with us and stayed up late.  we filled the day up with good things. 

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and now, today, saturday.  the kids and i will bump around home together.  maybe do a few chores.  maybe play a game.  maybe do some hobby projects.  and tomorrow, sunday, more of this easy summertime.  it may not be so windy tomorrow.  it may be a good day to go to the lake.  we'll see how the day shakes down.  how time moves for us. 

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happy saturday, my friends, whatever your saturday may look like.  go gently, go fiercely, and be wonderful.
love, e

 

gratitude: my best friend

14 times around the sun as mrs. patten

he is truly my best friend

i'd marry him over again any day {but i think i'd want to elope}

every year truly does get better, i'm not just sayin' that

what we have together is better than anything i would have ever imagined

not so much a fairy tale as a raw, fierce tale

i like that kind better anyway: there's something to it, something that can be felt deeply in the pounding of blood and heart, something that fingers can be dug into, something that can be held onto for dear life

and i'll be holding on to him dearly for all my life

and kissing that handsome, bearded face

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here's to us, ben, my love: here's to many, many more marvelous trips around the sun

 

the pull

fire season is coming.  the new socks and the new underthings that won't chafe and rub raw are here.  it's all about the base layers.  all about saving the skin.  a torn up pair of feet is no good on the fire line. 

he got to put nomex on today.  and whites.  and go teach refresher courses.  and talk fire. 

the pull that eases in the fall and early winter is growing.  and i feel it, too.   

this last month or so i've felt the tugs at my heart.  the melancholy and the anticipation.  as the days grow longer, the last-minute leaving that is our magnetic north pulls stronger.  we are pulled toward that pole as snow melts and the remnants of last years' plants dry out.  those remnants that i have learned to call fuels.  i think in terms of relative humidity and precipitation amounts and moisture content and fuel loading.  all of those words, those conditions, add strength to our magnetic north.  the magnetic north that pulls us and dictates the next three seasons.  there is no spring summer and fall - there is only fire season.  and there is no planning of dates and times from here on out.  the plans happen to us.  when we get close enough to that pole, we get sucked in, head, feet and arms every which way.  right now we are dancing around the pole, gathering the supplies, getting ready to pack the red bag, holding back, but wondering when the pull will completely take over.  all the plans, the real plans, have to be made last minute.  we can have vague ideas and hazy framework of things we'd like to do.  we can think that he will go, but we don't know when and for how long and where.  and in some ways, that's the beauty of it.  we're in this for the ride.  for the pull.  for the anticipation.  for the places that aren't here.  for the life that isn't like other people's - it' s ours.

wildfire is wildly unpredictable.  and so are the circumstances of our life. 

but the important things are predictable.  that b+e belong together.  that e+m+i will enjoy our days of summer.  that b will be off, doing the job that he does best, the job that isn't really a job because it is part of who he is.  that whenever we get to be all four of us, b+e+m+i, that those are the best moments of all.  that the pull of the four of us all together is always stronger than any other pull.  home, wherever the four of us are, will always win out.  but during fire season, fires and last-minute good-byes and longed for hellos and fuels and forces of nature and raw wild beauty pull us all.  and we set our compass to that crazy pole that is wildland fire. 

 

joy

 

what brings you real joy?  do that.  be that.  share that.  spend more time with that.  and get more joy.

art.  a food web.  music.  legos.  google.  youtube.  chocolate.  sprinkles.  dipped cookies.  treats for grandpa.  snow.  goggles.  snowboards.  smiles.  laughs.  quiet.  together.  joy.  

yeah.  do that.  be that.  spend more time with that.

more joy.

i wish you more joy, my friends.

life in a state of wonder

live life
in a constant
state of wonder
every single day
despite
where you are

on sunday we had a wonderful place to be 
all four of us together
in the sunshine
in the sand
in the water
in the breeze
cottonwood leaves clicking
the splosh of the the waves
and the scent of cool water
sunfish glinting
air warm on skin
the scree of cicadas 
laughter and joy
 

we headed home satisfied with one more summer day well spent

live in wonder.  be wonderful.
love, ~e

some moments from july

one morning, drinking my coffee outside, i heard a crazy chittering. 
there were three sparrows in the parking lot. 
chase.  chitter.  flutter. 
then toward my car.  two under.  one up and over. 
then around the corner and away.

i doodled my way through election judge training

i have SCOBY eating sugar and growing me good bacteria in a big jar on my counter.  i have little jars filled with kombucha tea, fruit and fruit juice to make my tasty pro-biotic brew. 

my friend beth saves me the starbucks rewards starcodes from all her bags of coffee beans. 
she gave me fifteen of them the other day. 
starbucks.com only allows two starcodes to be entered per day. 
i've been entering two at a time . . .
i'm getting to the end of them . . . and i'm close to earning a gold star!
(and find out what that means, exactly.)

two friends in the past two weeks have told me that they actually picture me with a nose ring
ben would smile about that and say, "see!  you should get one!"

skype is weird
so good to see his face in real time, but made me want to cry
. . . so close, but 1700 miles away . . .
i like talking on the phone and texting better

the kids' room had looked like a total bomb went off in there. 
we spent quite a few hours on it over the course of a couple days.  now, it looks grand!

that was a job well-done - and, so far, they are keeping it that way! 
they've been cleaning up after they play - it's wonderful!

i finished giving myself a haircut at 1:30 am . . . after talking to ben one night

the tree windchime?  i gave myself permission to buy that 
i've had my eye on it since last summer 
there are two little birds at the top, sitting in the tree, k-i-s-s-i-n-g

i love fresh air and cool water. 
jumping in, climbing out.  jumping in, climbing out. 
the sandy bottom beneath our toes. 
the moving-right-along of the river.  a clear-glass wind-less night on the lake. 
good friends.  laughter.  the wonderful work of playing and enjoying.

play and enjoy and be wonderful, my friends.

love, ~e