bits of sunshine

12.10.19

peace - this morning - in my office 
christmas music playing
heater humming
knowing our days are held in His hands
knowing that His peace passes all understanding
reminding myself to breathe peace all through myself – no matter what today may bring

12.5.19

tonight, remembering the feeling of room temperature fluid running cold into my arm through an iv.  feeling so very grateful that that was long ago, that i am home, in my own house, that i get to sleep in my own bed.  praying peace and healing for my friends who are in hospital beds, who don’t know when next they will sleep in their own beds.  
.. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. 

i will lie down and sleep in peace, for you alone O Lord make me to dwell in safety  ..... psalm 4:8

12.3.19

Sometimes you need to sit lonely on the floor in a quiet room in order to hear your own voice and not let it drown in the noise of others.~ Charlotte Eriksson ~

some days are like that.  time to sit on the floor.  with moments for quiet, for alone. 

and sometimes i sit in the living room, on the couch, while my family sits at the table, my son making crazy music - sort of a hum, sort of a trumpet, sort of an elk call . . .my daughter laughing and laughing . . . my husband tying flies and finding his own quiet in the midst of the joyful cacophony of teenage music and talking and laughing and riotous story telling.  

yesterday, i took about ten minutes for myself, in the sunlight, in my backyard, just me.  breathing and feeling the warmth through my jacket, sitting quietly and listing gratitudes.  

today, i did not take time for listing.  but i did take time for tea with a lovely girl.  and i took time to sit at the table and eat supper with my husband.  and i am writing this post, here on the couch, with my family bumping all around me. 

tomorrow, i will look for some moments to take for myself, for quiet, just a few.  

 

 

teenagers

i have two. 
and i love them so very much. 
and i don't wish that they were little again. 
i kind of like that they are taller than me. 

i enjoy talking about issues and politics and morals and the bible and relationships with them.  i like seeing what they create, how they dress, how they set up their rooms, how they style their hair, what they write for homework assignments, how they interpret project directions.  i like to watch {some} of their shows and listen to {some} of their music.  

there isn't a day that goes by that i don't think about how i am parenting them, if i am doing a good job.  how much to direct.  how much to just let happen.  when to give advice.  when to give ultimatums.  how much sleep they need.  how much i should help with homework.  when i should visit with a teacher.  how much i need to know each of their friends.  what they are eating.  if they are taking their vitamins and eating some fruit and veggies.  when i should get on their case about cleaning their room or doing some dishes.  

ben and i talk often about our kids and what we see in them and how we want to continue with our parenting.  these conversations take time and effort and energy, but i wouldn't trade the time for anything.  and it seems like what we are doing is working pretty well so far.  we have an almost 15-year-old and a 16-year-old who are both doing pretty darn well in the decision-making and relating parts of life.  i certainly don't have it all figured out, but i am so willing to talk about what we do and why we do it if it might help others navigate their journey.  this is ongoing, of course, but it seems like the past week has offered ben and i opportunities to listen to our kids and to speak encouragement and advice into their situations, and to read some articles and instagram posts and a chapter in a leadership book that all speak to what is in my heart about parenting my kids.  here's some bits:

what were you thinking?!? understanding the teenage brain  -- a short excerpt on brain function.  after reading this article today, i put the book in my amazon cart because the author, frances jensen, says, "what i learned while writing this book is that there is still a lot of myth out there about teenagers. an attitude of, 'oh, they’ll be fine. they will bounce back. they will grow out of it.' well, teenagers do grow out of it, but i felt we were dismissing what they were doing during the teenage years. it’s an incredibly valuable and precious time. it’s a time you can still really scaffold your brain for your future life."  she also talks from a neurological standpoint about why they don't turn off lights and put dishes in the dishwasher.  she's speaking to me, i know it.   

what teenagers need from us (almost) more than anything else -- as we navigate all the busy-ness, our teens need us even when they withdraw from us.  i first read this article a couple years ago.  it resonated with me, i talked about it with ben, i shared it on facebook.  early this week, it popped up on my facebook memories, and i re-read it and wanted to share it with you.  i was going to share which of the five points resonated with me most . . . but they all resonate, deeply and clearly.    

dare to lead -- i am currently reading this book for our leadership miles city class.  there is so much in these pages that pertain to parenting and to marriage,or to any relationship, really, not just to work-place situations.  i wrote the following paragraph as an instagram post early this week:

. clear is kind . unclear is unkind . most of us avoid clarity because we tell ourselves that we’re being kind, when what we’re actually doing is being unkind and unfair . feeding people half-truths or flattery or a line of bull to make them feel better (which is almost always about making ourselves feel more comfortable) is unkind . not getting clear with our spouse, partner, child, friend, parent, colleague about our expectations because it feels too hard, yet holding them accountable or blaming them for not delivering is unkind . talking about people rather than to people is unkind . this lesson has the potential to wildly transform relationships and lives . clear is kind . unclear is unkind . . {mostly from p 48 in dare to lead} . {working on this in my own life . working on teaching this to my children . speaking and acting with clarity and integrity . speaking and acting with kindness .} .

and, in this vein, as i focus on clearly conveying my expectations to my children, i work on giving them the tools to make a completely informed decision about if they will do as i ask, or not do as i ask.  if i am clear, we both know if my expectations were respected and carried out or if my instructions and expectations were disregarded.  and what then, if my expectations are disregarded, do the consequences look like?  what consequence would be thought-provoking and restorative, not simply punitive and meted out because i am the boss around here.  wow.  these thought processes take effort.  there is no set-in-stone approach.  restorative consequences must be thought out in relation to each unique situation and attitude.  { @lightbreaksforth wrote a bit about this on october 22 on her instagram account }  

i am working on asking myself what each of my kids need to be their best self.  ben and i talk about this.  we are working at giving our kids the tools they need to be healthy in every sense of the word {in relationships, in rest, in exercise, in nourishment, in freedom, and with boundaries}, and then to help them know that they are worthy of being healthy.  

and a friend shared a post from @sageparenting that really says a lot of all of this, and some more, and seems to be a good way to wrap up this post:

tots and teens get a bad rap but i loved the toddler season and now i’m loving the teenage season. both are developmental stages when the body outpaces the brain, the amygdala outpaces the prefrontal cortex, and independence outpaces competence.
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but actually, the reason these seasons are so often experienced as the hardest in parenting is because the mainstream parenting approach backfires. if your relationship is based on dominance and control, you’re up a creek with no paddle. if your self-worth is based on your child’s obedience, you’re going to panic. you cannot punish a toddler out of a tantrum and you cannot punish a teen away from differentiation.
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but if your relationship is based on connection, trust, and freedom, these seasons feel seamless. if i’m being honest, i really do parent my teen the same way i parented my toddler - different shades of the same color.
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so for all of you dreading the coming season of adolescence, i’m here to whisper in your ear that teens are actually awesome. 

and on that note, my parent friends, go bravely, love fiercely, and be wonderful. 

and if you are not a parent, and you've read this far, maybe you understand your parent friends a little better.  and maybe there are some things here that will color the way you interact with your partner or your friends or your coworkers.  

to all of you dear ones, go gently, go bravely, love fiercely, and be wonderful.  

love, e

taken hostage by anxiety {written may 5, 2015 . . . finally posted october 29, 2019}

you know the feeling, when your chair tips back, and for a split second, you don't know if you are going to fall backward, or if all four feet will land and you'll be just fine?

that feeling is only supposed to last for a split second

but sometimes, for me, that feeling starts and lasts and lasts and lasts

i'm stuck in that anxious moment of extremely precarious balance

not just for a moment, but for moments, minutes, hours, even days

my breathing gets tight and shallow

my stomach clenches

my neck tightens

my shoulders tense and hold

i feel like i am on the edge of . . . of i don't know what . . .

i realized last spring that i could name this feeling - anxiety

and that i could describe this feeling - like i just did, here

and that this feeling isn't normal - i shouldn't regularly have this feeling - it should be reserved for split seconds and for traumatic events, like a phone call we hope will never happen, or investigating a scream from the backyard . . . it shouldn't happen when an everyday difficulty pops up, or for no apparent reason whatsoever . . .

i started to put this all together after ben brought it up to me - in an oh-so-kind and gentle way.  he asked me some questions and shared some thoughts with me after a class he took about trauma and anxiety and their symptoms and treatments.

and once i realized that i could name this feeling, and describe it, i started to think that i can maybe get beyond it . . . maybe i can start to relegate it to the situations where it is appropriate . . . maybe by naming the feelings, the body systems, the chemical reactions and nerve impulses, by recognizing, by being recognized, by naming situations and lengths of time and relationships that are part of my past, part of my story, maybe this naming will allow me to process, to build a framework for owning, controlling, and/or riding out the anxiety.

i also talked these things over with my health practitioner.  she helped me to find which foods i might need more of or less of or none at all of and which vitamins and minerals my body might need more of so that it correctly sends nerve impulses, so that my brain and systems will be more in sync within my body, and function within reality, not my perceived reality. 

ben has helped me to make some changes - drastic ones (where we live, what job i am doing), and seemingly smaller ones (in my own expectations of myself, in my perception of his expectations of me).

i have changed some of how i communicate with ben and with my kids.  i let them know where i'm at mentally, and i (usually) don't snap when they ask me if i'm ok or how i'm doing; i (usually) honestly, gratefully let them know.  and they have changed some of how they communicate with me.  because sometimes a listen is the very best medicine.  sometimes the only solution, the only answer needed, is a hug or an affirmation.   

and you know what?  since we moved (almost exactly one year ago), since i have been working on the naming, on the changing, on the eating, on the supplementing, on the talking, on the breathing, on the good stuff - in the last year, i have only had a couple hours taken hostage by anxiety.  just a couple hours of a very few days.

there is hope.  there is power in the naming, in the acknowledging, in the inviting other people in.  there is also power in the great love of someone recognizing and empathizing and standing by.  and hope is a beautiful usher to freedom.

  

right now

listening to the hum of the heater here in my office

realizing that i have needed this blog revisit

taking a tiny break from the work to-do list to type this up

working on three business plans for clients and two other fairly large projects

smiling because i get to go watch maddie play volleyball this afternoon and isaac play football tomorrow afternoon and both days, ben will be with me!

relishing ben working out of the district office, here, in our town - which means that he gets to come home every night!  we get to live together!

drinking water this morning

eating a pistachio tahini bar - from the mighty seed company

thinking that i should make oatmeal raisin cookies this weekend

looking forward to this weekend - none of us has commitments on either saturday or sunday 

planning some more blog posts

trusting that communication will solve some strain i am feeling

laughing (wryly) about how very much isaac goes through the same stages that maddie went through 

treasuring the times i witness maddie and isaac laughing together, eating together, doing homework together, hanging out together

feeling so grateful for our cozy little house and food in the cupboards and people to share our space with 

sending emails and texts and snaps and messages on instagram and messenger {we have so many ways to communicate}

sharing bits of sunshine any way i can {because then i feel the sunshine, too}

loving my people so very much

.. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. ..

go gently, love fiercely, and be wonderful, my friends.

taste of summer

let me tell you about this summer
or maybe i want to tell myself so that i don't forget
some of what has been encompassed
in this summer of change
in this summer of settling
in this summer of growing

these words .:: change, settling, growing ::.  are definitely the framework for this summer

change: ben applied and was selected for a new position in june.  he is now a station manager, a fire operations supervisor.  he is based an hour from home - not two and a half or almost three.  maddie and isaac both had jobs this summer.  regularly scheduled jobs.  they also both have a favorite person to work out relating to and spending time with.  they are fourteen-and-a-half and almost-sixteen and will both be in high school this fall.  oh wow.  oh wow. 

{side trail.  when you have babies and toddlers, everyone tells you how fast your time with your kids goes/will go.  you vaguely believe them because you remember growing up and it doesn't seem like you lived with your mom and dad all that long - especially the older you get.  the older you get, the less of your life you spent under your parents' roof, so you kind of get what they are all saying.  but this.  this right here.  getting one set for ninth grade and one for tenth.  this makes it feel like it is all going fast.  really fast.  these tall, beautiful, wonderful people who hug me and make me feel small, who i love to talk with and listen to and laugh with.  there are all the ways they are growing and changing and becoming.   the having to say freshman and sophomore.  goodness, this all makes me feel the fastness, the speed, makes me believe them - the ones who say the things about time going fast.  it goes really fast.}

also - dramatic change for me - this is the first summer ever, in my whole life, that i have had an eight to five, monday through friday job.  while i appreciate the steadiness, the salary, the permanence, this is a strange, new situation for me, and i am learning how to function without a fluctuating schedule and without working on an as-needed basis.  my schedule doesn't vary from week to week.  i am not waiting for a phone call to know if i am needed for work the next day.  in some ways, i miss being the fill-in, the save-the-day, but in a lot of ways, i am also so very grateful that my position won't change this fall or this winter or in the spring.  i get to continue settling.

settling:  we are doing a lot of settling.  even with all the changing.  i have been repainting some rooms in our house, and touching up other worn places on the walls.  we got a few pieces of furniture and some rugs to make the kids' rooms even more comfortable.  a new mattress for isaac will really make his room feel complete.  we have slowly picked away at finding furniture that fits in each room of our house.  the guest room is very cozy and comfortable.  we have had many, many guests stay with us on their way through from east to west or west to east.  i love that we have a place to offer, a comfortable bed, a place to relax and have a meal.  this winter, ben built in a tv and game shelf in the den and we found a great sectional for that space.  i just ordered a new table and chairs for the kitchen that should work well and replace the hodgepodge we have going on in the corner of the kitchen right now.  on saturday, ben and i made a run for a craigs-list couch, and it was just exactly the right one for our living room.  i need to paint the stairwell, and then, the only painting left to do is the outside of the house.  we have a few more ideas for projects we would like to keep picking away at as we continue to settle into our house. 

we are settling with people.  we each have some good friends, people that we have connected with.  maddie and isaac have found their sports and activities, their youth group and their bible study group.  we are figuring out how we do life with the nature of ben's job, and as he settles into this new position, we will get to the point where we know what to expect more often than not.  that will be a wonderful settled feeling.  and we are all in positions where we are thriving and growing.   

growing: mainly isaac.  he's taller than me now and definitely not slowing down.  maddie has been taller than me for about two years now.  and she has been growing her hair longer again.  we have all grown our knowledge base in our jobs and with books we have read and studies we are doing this summer. 

then there are the hollyhocks.  hollyhocks between the sketchy neighbors' house and ours.  hollyhocks that are red and white and peach and magenta and pink.  hollyhocks that grew taller than the house, that filled in the view for these summer months.  hollyhocks that i hope will grow again next summer.  and we should be here to see them.  because we are settling.  staying.  doing our changing in this place. 

 

first day . . . last day

 

and all the thoughts.

so many thoughts in looking at these pictures together.  bookends to this school year.  

they grew.  maddie is so pretty.  isaac is so handsome.  they are both so kind.  they are funny.  nothing makes me happier than hearing them laugh.  they are wonderful.  they make me smile.  sometimes we disagree.  sometimes they make me so mad.  we share laughter, and joy, and frustration, and growing pains, and utter confusion, and solid knowing.  so many times, they fill my heart to bursting.  

8th and 9th grade - done at noon today.  

and my kids are already on to all the activities that will mark them as a 9th and a 10th grader.  a freshman and a sophomore.  

isaac got his football helmet for freshman year already, and has an initial camp/practice on monday.  maddie has a volleyball camp monday-wednesday next week - starting to ready for j.v. tryouts.  they both have summer jobs.  they both have plans for some time at the beach with friends.  and right now, i am thinking that i am going to block off some days that i will take off work, that the three of us can do some summery fun things together.  and some days that the four of us (b+e+m+i) can do the same.  we need to claim some days, right now.  so we don't make it to the end of the summer without a few days of ease, together.  

oh, friends, if you have littles, know that all the work you are putting in now to play with your kids, really know your kids, to build relationships, to help them find the things they like to do and that they have the potential to do well, all that work will pay off.  it will.  and you will have teenagers that you love to spend time with.  keep choosing them.  and they will keep choosing you.  if you have more than one kiddo, help them choose each other (at least some of the time!), model the choosing.  help them build each other up, tell them they are wonderful, model the telling.  you stand to gain so much joy and such a beautifully full heart.  

i love these two, ever so very much.  

here's to laughter, and friday, and summertime, and new beginnings!  

 

on blogging

yesterday afternoon, i was thinking about writing a blog post, and i was thinking about how i have not blogged much in the past few years, and why . . .

i do use instagram, and post there almost daily.  find me @bits_of_sunshine 

but, an instagram post isn't a blog post.  it is a different platform.  one i like.  but one where i miss the opportunity to post pictures that i would think will be viewed in a larger format, and one where i miss the opportunity to put fingers to keyboard and type more words much more quickly than i can with just my thumbs on my phone.  

so . . . thinking about why i don't blog as often . . . when i started blogging, i was home every day with my kiddos.  they were little, their stories were my stories were their stories were my stories.  i wasn't working 40+ hour weeks outside my home.  ben was home every evening and weekend.  i was really starting to think through a lot of ideas and opinions and starting to form variations on the ones i grew up with and beginning to form altogether new ones.  facebook wasn't the thing it is now.  there was no instagram, no snapchat, no lots of things.  

now, here i am, with two teens, a husband who is stationed away from home for a good portion of the year, a 40+ hour a week job, and years of evolving thought processes and all kinds of experiences that make up my story, but that involve so many others . . . and what parts of those stories are truly mine to tell . . . and what parts of those stories aren't mine . . . and where. is. that. line?

this evening, as i was mulling this over again, i popped onto instagram and read a post by candace @myheartinasquare where she wrote that she had written a post about her and one of her daughters and she had it all ready to post . . . she had it all wrapped up and tied with a bow, then she ripped off the bow and retied and ripped off . . . and isn't this mothering? and writing? and living? . . . i have the answer, then i don't, then i do, then i do and don't - both at the same time . . . 

this is blogging for me . . . but, my friends, i miss blogging.  and i keep coming back to it.  and maybe, just maybe, i'll get into a rhythm of posting more often.  because the time that isaac and i spent yesterday at lunch, looking back through old blog posts, remembering together - i need that, my heart needs that.  my blog as catalyst for memory is really, really important to me.  so.  here goes nothin'.  or somethin'.  

and in the meantime - go gently, love fiercely, and be wonderful, my friends.

beyond the middle of april

beyond the middle of april - and here i am - with a big hole in this blog where i meant to have post after post - almost thirty of them where there are currently zero

life has a funny way of taking what i mean to do and throwing all those intentions in the mixer - rumbling and roaring and tossing what i intended against all the raw reality of the lives mine is intertwined with - and sometimes my intentions work through the mix and are accomplished - and sometimes they are rubbed and twisted and rolled and stretched and cut and shrunk all at once into something i never would have imagined - 

so - here i am now - on the eve of april twenty-third - writing a little something - and leaving you all with some pictures of where i was blessed to walk today - i was with my three favorites and two others - but these pictures are of the big, wide open - i wish i could give you lungs full of the clear air, shoulders warm in the sun, hair lifted gently by the breeze, ears filled with air broken by the voices of sandhill cranes and pheasants and meadow larks, eyes open to the space and space and space - i wish i could fill you up with the same wide peace that i felt all afternoon - 

go gently, my friends, love fiercely, and be wonderful, 

love, e