bits of sunshine

5 august 2021

wow.  i don't know why i decided that trying to write a blog post every day in august was a good idea.  but, i said i would.  so here i am.  writing.  

today i was so very tired.  

this morning i woke at six in my sleeping bag on the air mattress in the dispatch office and gave my briefing to the day-time dispatcher who arrived to take my place.

this morning when i arrived home, i hugged maddie and sent her off to work with my best wishes that she have a great day.

this morning i crawled into my bed and set my alarm for two hours.

this morning i got ready and headed to work where i documented donations, wrote letters, read and responded to emails, and prepped for an afternoon meeting regarding award platform set-up.

this morning i talked with beka for some time about how i just want to live with ben far more than i get to right now.

today i saw pictures a friend posted pictures of her walk - mountains, pine trees, grasses, rocks, sky . . . i commented - one day, i am going to live where i can just go for walks in the big out-there again . . .  

today ben had to / got to / come to miles city for some work errands.  we got food from the grocery store deli and ate lunch together under the cottonwood trees in the park to the sound of the cicadas' dull buzzing screams. 

later, before he had to go, i told him i hadn't seen his eyes.  he had his sunglasses on the whole time.  i didn't want to say goodbye without really seeing him.  he took his sunglasses off and i looked into his care-worn eyes.  all i really want just now is to go away with him somewhere where nobody needs anything from us, and the days are filled with rest and blue skies.  but that is not possible right now.  so i pressed my lips to his, breathed in, breathed in, breathed in, pressed his hand to my cheek, and prepared for him to drive away. 

this afternoon i was working on a project via zoom, when ben texted me that he wanted to swing by for one more kiss before he left town.  i told my zoom meeting host that i needed to step away for two minutes, and i met ben in the parking lot for one more hug and long, long kiss. 

this afternoon.

when i got home from work, there was a delivery for me.  a gift i ordered for myself.  two solar powered fairy lanterns and a book with the title Ragged.    both seem more than fitting for right now.  jars that will soak up the sunlight and then twinkle it back to me after dark.  a book that has a word for exactly how i feel right there on the cover.  a book that has the silhouette of a fraying rope on the cover.  a book that invites me to see discipline as a gift, not a heavy burden or a performance.  this book is for the one who, at times, resembles the man beaten, lying on the side of the road, needing to be bandaged and cared for far more than the proverbs thirty-one woman who apparently has it all together.  

this evening i met with two other members of our city finance committee for four and a half hours to work on budget planning.

tonight i ate toast at ten thirty, after cleaning up the kitchen with isaac.  

tonight i talked to ben on the phone and neither of us wanted to hang up.

tonight isaac came down and sat on the end of my bed until maddie came home and joined us.  all three of us laid on the bed and talked for an hour.  i am going to be so tired again in the morning (hello, one thirty a.m.), but i am also so glad that they hung out with me and that we talked and were just together.  i love those two so much.  

tonight, i am so very grateful for fairy lights and toast with blackberry jam, that i have a good job and that i can give to my city by filling a council seat, that i have books and books to enjoy and learn from and be inspired by, that i crave looking into my husband's eyes and that i have two teenagers who will lay on my bed and talk to me.  

tonight, i hope that you all are sleeping peacefully and that you will wake with the energy to go gently, love fiercely, and be wonderful.

 

4 august 2021

yesterday was an odd day. 

all i wrote in my journal was 

-- so. very. grey. today. -- 

and it was.  grey.  smoky skies.  and also cloudy skies.  

also, life felt grey.  and it was one of those days where my stories are so intertwined with their stories that i didn't know what i could share here.  

parenting teenagers is amazing and hard and awful and wonderful.

living apart from ben is hard.  really hard.  we talk on the phone a lot.  but that takes a different kind of energy than when we are in the same room as each other.  

so, this morning, i am focusing on the trip we are planning for late this fall - the four of us - going away for a whole week.  

i am thinking about the good things we will accomplish in the next two months before ben moves home for the winter.  

i am hoping and praying for clear skies and sunshine.  or rain.  but that one way or another, the smoke might clear.  

and i am jotting some ideas down for blog posts where i will do some more writing that feels real.  

thanks for being here, friends.

go gently, love fiercely, and be wonderful.

2 august 2021 :: dirty august

and this is how my mind works

i was thinking about the term dirty august 

i first heard it from another wildland fire wife - august is often long and dry and hot and filled with fire and fire assignments - dirty on so many levels

so, today, i googled the term . . . maybe don't do that?

but one wonderful thing i found - there is a poetry collection by Edip Cansever titled Dirty August 
originally written in Turkish and translated by Richard Tillinghast and Julia Clare Tillinghast-Akalin

the poem that was shared on the website from the collection is simply beautiful

Table

A man filled with the gladness of living
Put his keys on the table,
Put flowers in a copper bowl there.
He put his eggs and milk on the table.
He put there the light that came in through the window,
Sounds of a bicycle, sound of a spinning wheel.
The softness of bread and weather he put there.
On the table the man put
Things that happened in his mind.
What he wanted to do in life,
He put that there.
Those he loved, those he didn't love,
The man put them on the table too.
Three times three make nine:
The man put nine on the table.
He was next to the window next to the sky;
He reached out and placed on the table endlessness.
So many days he had wanted to drink a beer!
He put on the table the pouring of that beer.
He placed there his sleep and his wakefulness;
His hunger and his fullness he placed there.
Now that's what I call a table!
It didn't complain at all about the load.
It wobbled once or twice, then stood firm.
The man kept piling things on.

 

this resonates with me.  so much.  if i scroll back through this blog, if i scroll through my instagram, if i look back at my old flickr account . . . so much of my life is held on my table.  

 

on my table

my bible and my journal 
sun rays 
darkness
candlelight 
letters to be read and letters to be written 
meals 
bills and the checkbook 
uno 
settlers of catan 
mexican train dominos 
christmas cookies 
homeschool work 
college coursework 
presents 
balloons 
birthday cakes 
communion - the bread and the wine
flowers cut from my gardens 
flowers gifted by friends 
elbows 
tests 
tears stifled and tears that overflow
plenty 
barely enough 
cups of coffee and sometimes tea
glasses of cool water and sometimes soda
bowls of soup 
plates of food fresh off the grill 
stroopwaffles 
crumbs 
bowls of fruit
lists 
registration forms
immunization records
maps
drawings 
plans 
papers scribed with hopes and dreams and how will any of this ever work out 
paint 
crayons 
markers 
love notes 
legos - sets built following the directions and amazing original creations 
hand-drawn cartoons
pictures
easy laughter and hard truth 
sometimes questions, sometimes answers
books and more books - storybooks, picture books, books for research, and books full of good words
boxes and tape 
piles to be packed 
piles unpacked, waiting to be put away   
scratches and water marks 
table runners and table cloths - each with a story about a shop or one of my grandmas or my mom 
surprises 
rocks 
collections of bugs and fossils and feathers  
a bright light, a vise, tweezers, bobbins, whips, and flies
fabric, scissors, and pins
the sewing machine
homework 
essays, math, science experiments, spanish worksheets, and report cards 
laptops 
telework 
beads and string 
invitations 
boundaries 
words poured out 
fists pounded 
palms flat 
fingers entwined 
forgiveness 
hospitality 
and grace

grace piled on grace

grace for the clearest days of may
and grace for the dirtiest days of august

grace offered
on my table

1 august 2021

hello dear friends,

on the first day of july, i wrote this haiku:

write haiku every 
blessed day in july. one and
thirty poems emerge

i wrote thirty-one (counting this one)

i published twenty-seven

because life threw some wrenches and this is how it turned out.

but - twenty-seven out of thirty-one if a pretty good number, i think

i had another goal in july - to work through deidra rigg's thirty days to being anti-racist course.  i made it through day 18.  just over half-way.  

i also wrote something in my journal all but one day in july.  some days were just a few words - place holders, really.  other days were pages and pages.  

and now - it is august.  and i wrote this haiku this morning

july is done and
august has come. herald the
new month and bless it

for the month of august, my goals are going to be to continue to journal every day, to finish thirty days to being anti-racist, and to write a blog post every day.  there may be some rambling.  there may be some seemingly random topics.  but, i miss blogging.  i really do.  i write to find out what i think.  there is something about writing in my journal, for me.  but there is something else entirely about writing on my blog, for me and for you.  something about inviting you all into my thoughts and my heart - in a different way, even, than i do on instagram and facebook. 

the practice of writing a haiku each day was so good for me.  i had a reason to be intentional with words.  a reason to be intentional with creating a way to post those poems on instagram - putting words on paper, writing them, setting them in a frame, in a picture, making art. 

and now, to the practice of writing a blog post each day.  a reason to write.  space for more words than an instagram caption allows.  revisiting a practice that sustained me through many, many days and years.  trying it on for size once again.    

so - here's to setting goals.  here's to intention.  here's to writing.  and here's to august!

thanks for joining me.

love, e

 

 

a throwback to 20 june 2015

 {Capital Rock - 8 miles from our house}

{buck antelope}

{Maddie took this picture and the next one out her bedroom window}

       {a nearby lake - for swimming!}

    {the office building where Ben starts each day}

{cows on the road}

   {and cows in the pasture}

{looking east toward Camp Crook from the Montana border - 3 miles to town from here}

{Maddie and Isaac digging for dinosaur bones - we got to join the Forest Service Paleontology crew on Thursday - Isaac found a toe bone the size of a golf ball; Maddie found about 15 sting ray teeth}

we have had some great adventures so far!  and have many more pictures than this!  but here is a sampling.  there are wide open spaces and buttes and high points.  the sun shines and big storms roll through.  we have had power go out two of our 9 nights here.  there is wildlife - mule deer, whitetail deer, antelope, rabbits, all kinds of songbirds and hawks, fox, procupines, ruffed grouse, sharptail grouse and sage grouse, wild turkeys - that we have seen.  also, cows and calves and horses and sheep grazing everywhere.  there are also more wildflower types in bloom right now - wow!  they are so beautiful! 

isaac and elizabeth have more mosquito bites than one could count.  isaac's poison ivy (from minnesota) is almost all cleared up. 

maddie has been a great little helper; she told me after our last trip to spearfish (where we buy groceries) that she would be my minion and put away all the groceries (we bought enough for about three weeks). 

spearfish is about 1.5 hours south of here.  it's a great little town.  there is a wonderful discount "dinged and bent" grocery store.  and a safeway - with a great gas and grocery rewards card. 

ben really likes the guys that he gets to work with.  they compliment each other well and enjoy each others' company.  ben has good opportunities to keep working on his qualifications and work toward moving up here.  

we have been keeping a "thankful list" since we got here - i think we have about 75 things on it so far.

we are getting our house painted, cleaned and set up.  we'll send pictures of inside our home soon!

this place is a very good place for us to be.  we are so grateful for all of the answers to prayer and extra surprises that God has given us already and we are content to be settling in here.

more soon!

seen

do you ever feel so very alone in your grief or sadness or heaviness?  so very alone in whatever all it is that your mind and heart have to ponder and treasure or whatever all it is that makes your mind and heart writhe and bleed? 

maybe, just maybe, someone that you don't even realize is watching has seen your melancholy and is holding you in their heart, is praying words of strength and peace and quiet joy for you.

i was going through some papers and saved letters and notes yesterday evening, and i found so many treasures.  one of them being a copy of a note i wrote to a lady i had never talked to.  she and her family had been attending the same church that we were attending at the time, and i would see her with her family in church - she was always quiet and had a far-away look in her eye.  her spirit felt frail, the kind of frail that has no explanation, like there was not much holding her in the present, like if she were not wearing an invisible cloak of cement, she might just fade away.  

i was so struck by the frailty and sadness i saw in her, that one sunday when i got home, i started writing.  words poured out onto the notecards i had picked up to write on.  and once finished, i rewrote the note far more neatly, and found her address and sent the letter her way.  i never heard anything back from her, but i trust that god did what he wanted with the words he gave me.  

and now, friends, i want to share these words with you.  i want you to know that if you need someone to see you, i am willing.  i will see you.  

Dear friend,

I don't really know how to start this note.  All I know is that when I drove away from church this morning, I saw you sitting in your vehicle alone, and I wanted to cry.  I know that when I see you in church with your lovely family, it makes my heart happy.  I don't know what has gone on in your life to bring you to the place you are at.  All I know is that you look sad, down-hearted, discouraged.  And I know that when I pulled away from the parking lot, I didn't know if I should try to talk to you . . . but I was praying for you.  And I was thinking about nine years ago, when I was at a place of brokenness, loneliness, darkness - the bottom.  And there were people who loved me and were praying for me - they were doing battle for me in prayer.  And God brought a few very special people into my life who encouraged me and who wouldn't give up on me.

And I know that God is a God of mercy and grace and forgiveness and He give us His Spirit who fills us and seals us.  When we accept Christ, we are filled to the measure of all the fullness of God (Ephesians 3:10).  And we are sealed with his Spirit (Ephesians 1:13-14).  We are never empty (I Peter 1:18-19). Never.  That empty feeling of despair is a lie. 

I used to stand in front of my mirror and stare into my own eyes and, through tears, say out loud,  "You are not empty.  You are full.  Filled by Christ.  Never alone.  Never empty.  Never useless.  God has given you His grace.  Now, live in that today."  It was a fight.  It was a struggle.  But I had gotten to a point where I hung onto Him for dear life.  And He brought me through.  Slowly.  But surely.  He reassured me.  He affirmed me.  In my soul.  In my innermost being (Psalm 139:7-13).  And He is good.  So good. 

I want you to know this goodness of His, dear one.  And I want you to be able to rest in Him and find joy in Him and in the goodness He has bestowed on you.  

I would love to visit with you.  Tell you more of the story that God has given me.  The old, old story told again and anew.  I would love to wrap you in a hug and tell you that you are not alone.  You are not empty.  

These are the things that God laid on my heart today.  I am praying for you.  

Love, Elizabeth

i added my phone number and told her she could call if she wanted to.  otherwise, she could just know that i was praying for her.  and i did.  pray for her.  off and on for years after i sent that note.  

i pray for you, too, my friends.  off and on.  as God lays you on my heart.  

and i am so willing to have a conversation with you, to tell you the reasons for the hope that i have (I Peter 3:15).  you are not alone, no matter where you find yourself, or where you cannot find yourself.  i will hold you in my heart and pray words of strength and peace and quiet joy for you.  

with so much love, dear ones.

e

shatter

sometimes things shatter: relationships, health, plans ... and sometimes we don't get to pick up the pieces till later. maybe a few hours later; maybe a few weeks later; maybe a few years later; maybe many years later, and maybe never.  

and i have a choice about what to do with the pieces.

i can leave them - sometimes that's the best - sometimes there is nothing to be gained by picking up the pieces.  i can let the pieces lie, work their way into the ground, be tumbled in river or sea, let those pieces get lost and forgotten.

i can pick them up quickly, grind the jagged edges into my flesh and relive the pain, shred palms, draw blood.  

some pieces, i pick up gingerly, carefully, turn them gently on my hands, and learn what i can. own what shapes me, forgive, give grace, accept grace, arrange the pieces.

sometimes, when i pick up a piece, the edges are worn and smooth. time and love, grace and mercy have done their work.

sometimes, things shatter.  sometimes, i slowly pick up pieces, jagged bits and smooth, and work at arranging them into something beautiful.

i keep learning how to lay out the shards and make a mosaic of it all. how to keep my palms from getting cut on the glimmering pieces of today and tomorrow and yesterday, of here and there and where, of tears and joy and pain, of do and give and receive, of work and rest, of laughter and peace, of strength and weakness and grace.

if you have pieces to pick up today, may you be gentle on yourself and may you have an unfathomable reserve of mercy and grace for others.

 

shot and killed

Number of Mass Shootings in the US, 1982 through March 2021

 

Boulder Colorado yesterday, Atlanta, Georgia five days ago. 18 people who had their lives violently taken from them. 18 families who had a loved one torn from them. Two men who decided that they were going to shoot to kill, shoot to end the lives of human beings.

 

"We can't tolerate this anymore. These tragedies must end. And to end them, we must change. We will be told that the causes of such violence are complex, and that is true. No single law — no set of laws can eliminate evil from the world, or prevent every senseless act of violence in our society. But that can't be an excuse for inaction. Surely, we can do better than this."

 

This comment was made in 2012,  by then President Obama, after the shooting at Sandy Hook Elementary.

 

And yet, look at the graph - mass shootings continue to happen. In the past four years: in 2017, in 2 of the 11 mass shootings - 58 people were shot and killed at a music festival and 26 people were shot and killed at a church service. In 2018 of the 12 mass shootings - 17 people shot and killed in a high school. In 2019, in one of the 10 - 23 people were shot and killed in a WalMart.

 

In 2019, Congress enacted a nationwide ban on bump stocks, but failed to enact legislation that would require federal background checks for all firearms sales and transfers, including those online or at gun shows, and an expanded 10-day review for gun purchases. A rule restricting people deemed mentally unable to manage their affairs by the Social Security Administration to buy guns was also ended and was not renewed by Congress, allowing people who are mentally unable to manage their affairs to purchase guns. Because so many gun-shot murders are committed by partners and parents, some senators had pushed for a bipartisan proposal to create a federal grant program to encourage states to adopt “red flag” laws to take guns away from people believed to be a danger to themselves or others. These attempts also met resistance in 2019 and these programs were not created.  All of these measures were blocked by Republicans.

 

Here's a thought: if 5- and 6-year-olds can practice active-shooter drills in their schools, people who want to own guns should be able to practice some patience with background checks and waiting periods. 

 

Last Thursday, the day after 8 people (7 of whom were women) were murdered in a shooting spree that made international news, 172 House Republicans voted against renewing the Violence Against Women Act.  What in the world?!?  You can follow the link and read the section titles in the act.  I do not understand voting against this act.  Apparently, the representatives who voted against this act didn't like it that would prohibit dating partners who have been convicted of abuse or stalking from purchasing a firearm.  They also didn't like that the act protects victims of domestic abuse no matter what the victim's sexual orientation is.  So, they wouldn't vote for protections for women because they wouldn't vote to prohibit some men from purchasing guns and they wouldn't vote to protect all victims of domestic abuse.  

 

There is no single law or set of laws that can eliminate evil from the world, or prevent every senseless act of violence in our society. But that can't be an excuse for inaction.  There is a law that would be a step in the right direction.

 

We the people must hold our representatives accountable.  I know that I am going to send a message to my Montana representative - he voted against the act.  And, I will reach out to my senators, to let them know how I would like them to represent me with their votes on this measure.  This is one small action that I can take.  

 

Please think. 

Please care. 

Please use your voice. 

Please take action.

 

.. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. ..

 

The articles that I referenced as I wrote this piece:

 

Presidents and Mass Shootings

 

Outrage as 172 House Republicans Vote to Oppose the Violence Against Women Act

 

Senate Hurdles Remain

 

Trump's Claims

 

Unprecedented Number of Mass Shootings

 

 

 

fresh

fresh air
fresh kicks
fresh flowers
fresh fruit
a fresh perspective

and don't you be fresh with me, missy

but maybe,
maybe i should be
fresh
a little bit sassy
a little bit stand-my-ground
and stand-up-for-myself
and stand-up-for-you

and maybe i will stomp my foot
in my fresh kicks
maybe that will feel fresh
and refreshing
and be the fresh perspective
that i need to give myself
and that you need to see

i am not so easy-going
that i will go easy on you
when you assume that i will go along with
the box you put me in
and the tongue-in-cheek
bigotry and supremacy
that you want me to chuckle at and agree with
or at least turn a blind eye to

but not today
today is for freshness
for fresh fruit
fruit named love and joy and goodness and faithfulness
faithfulness that blossoms
fresh
faithfulness that stands in solidarity
with humans who look every way and come from every place

and faithful to call out humans who hate and abuse
who snicker and just-joke their curses
who wreathe their evil in religious robes
their decay so deep
there can only be rot and crumbling
returning to dust

but
there is power in light and fresh air
fierce love and true joy
in the fullness of time these break through
restore, refresh, make new

so seek until you find
fresh strength
fresh goodness
fresh beauty
fresh perspective
let love
the kind of love that drives out fear
blossom fresh in you

 

. . .. ... .. . .. .. .. . . . .. .. .. . . . . .. .. .. .. . . . .. ... .. . .. .. .. . . . .. .. .. . . . . .. .. .. .. . . . .. ... .. . .. .. .. . . . .. .. .. . . . . .. .. .. .. . . . .. ... .. . .. .. .. . . . .. .. .. . . . . .. .. .. .. 

fresh - the writing prompt in my class yesterday - initially i had the first two lines in mind - when i put fingers to keyboard, i wrote and wrote  - sometimes, i write to find out what i think.

just five things with michelle_gd

forty-one

yesterday was my forty-first birthday.

and when the alarm went off, i rolled over and sleepily said to ben, "let's just all stay home."  and he said, "do you want to?"  and i said,"yes. yes, i do." 

i peeled myself out of bed, put on a hoodie, and climbed the stairs. 

i opened maddie's door and said, "you can turn off your alarm and sleep as long as you want to." and tired joy filled her words, "thanks, mom."  i took a content deep breath and closed her door.

then i opened isaac's door and said the same. and he said, incredulus through his sleepy fog, "why?!" "because," i replied, "it's my birthday."  and as he rolled over, "thank you."  i smiled and my contentment settled deeper in my being. 

back downstairs, i emailed my boss and the kids' attendance line {it's my birthday. we are all staying home together today.}.  and i crawled in next to ben, back-to-back, in the warm cacoon of blankets and arms and legs.  i closed my eyes, pictured both of my tall, beautiful, muzzy kids, sleeping in their jumbles of pillows and covers, touched my husband, breathed in deeply, grounded, all four of us home together, and drifted back to sleep.

in the grey mid-morning, i drank coffee and read so many lovely messages and texts. i was showered with happy wishes. late in the slow morning, ben and i did a few chores - just because we could.  maddie and isaac slept until they woke up. we ate together. and we all went to walk by the yellowstone river and throw rocks and pick up big sticks and take selfies - we made the most of the very grey day.

there were birthday cards in the mail and birthday cards and balloons and birthday treats and flowers from my kids - gluten free peanut butter filled pretzels and chocolate.  and in the last few days, a new jacket and leggins from ben.  my friend ashley brought me a happy new plant pot, so i repotted four plants - because one new pot means that other plants need to be moved and talked to and encouraged aslo.  and then there was a little bit of rearranging of knick-knacks so the new plant would have a good home.

and later still, maddie and i chopped up all the things for fresh pico, and ben grilled the carne asada that he had been marinating since the day before, and isaac was working on a project so he was in and out of the garage.

and just as ben finished grilling the meat, brandon and jenna showed up with more flowers and some gifts from their trip.  and we ate all of the goodness of street tacos all together and talked and laughed.  and when we were all six as full as we wanted to be, we got out the pound cake and strawberries and coffee.  they sang happy birthday to me.  i know i was beaming.  and then i opened the package of gluten free oreos that brandon and jenna brought for me - and if you have anyone in your life who has to eat gluten free - buy these oreos for them!  they are really adn truly just like the real thing!  and then jenna said i should dip one in my coffee - and oh! my!  if you like coffee and you like oreoes, dip an oreo in your coffee.  and then thank jenna.  then ben decided that i should eat an oreo piled with strawberries - and well, that is pretty wonderful, too.  and we just kept laughing and enjoying.  

and finally, after hugs all around, and a bit of clean-up, after brandon and jenna headed out, as we were heading off to bed, i decided that this birthday had certainly been a wonderful one.  a very, very good day.