bits of sunshine

five little {or not so little } things

these flowers:: for brightening my workspace

this mask:: for being so comfortable against my skin and for not fogging my glasses too badly

this notebook:: for the space to write and also, the stickers arranged by maddie

this mug wrap:: made by a dear friend

this balm:: for keeping the skin from falling off my fingers and for smelling so good

.. . . .. .. .. .. ... .. . .. . . . . . ... . .. .. .. .. .. ... . .. . .. . ... . . . . ... . .. .. . . . ... .. . . ... .. .. . . . ... .. . . ... .. .. . . .. .. ... . . . ... . . .

five films that are on my to-be-watched list

Still I Rise by Maya Angelou - to remind us of of the struggle that only women who rise {out of a past that's rooted in pain} can truly know

there is beauty and heartbreak and justice long, long deferred in Horace Robert's story.  and i wish that there were no other humans locked up for crimes they did not commit.  

this song and the video are beautiful:: The God of Loss

did you know that such places existed? hewn from rock by human hands.

 

memory lane

today my facebook memories made me want to write a blog post.  to revisit some of the moments here, in this space. 

eight years ago today we were in fergus falls, minnesota, with blizzard conditions - i remember the wind being steady at thirty or more and the temperature dropping deeply and quickly as the snow pounded us.

five years ago today: we were in camp crook, south dakota and it was in the fifites and i had the school kids outside working on nature journals.  we all had bare hands and light jackets and there was a light breeze just playing through our hair.  maddie's drawings were making me smile, and so was the way that she interacted with the younger kiddos.

three years ago today: we were in miles city, montana and it was twenty-three below and so very snowy.

we still had our chaco-dog. and we were getting settled into number six-twelve.  i had started painting the kitchen blue.  

that evening we went out to supper with kyla - the first of many meals the four of us would share with kyla (although that time, she picked up the tab - in a rather sneaky move). 

two years ago, it was a bright, cold, snow-covered day, and isaac played a basketball game.  ben asked isaac what his favorite parts of his basketball game were. isaac said he really liked getting an assist to his buddy ryder. he also was stoked that he scored his first points today - 9 of them! and he made a free throw. and he got to play point guard. and he had some excellent passes.  so there was that. 

last year, it was cold and snowy and icy

maddie was applying for a fisheries internship - and is applying for the same one this year (because an older applicant was chosen last year). isaac had been playing hockey, and is again this year.  (we all like hockey so much better than basketball!)  

and this year, we are in the middle of a week of temperatures that do not want to be above zero - a polar vortex.  we have a dusting of snow on the ground. 
we pattens had some hard news yesterday that we are all processing and praying about.  ben and i both continue at stable and engaging jobs.  the kids are continuing with in-person school.  there are only five active covid cases in our county as of our morning update.  everytime i remote-start the truck, i am so grateful that we were able to purchase it.  everytime i drive up to our house, i am so grateful that it is ours.  everytime i walk in the door, i am so grateful for the coziness and the artwork made by friends and the books full of good words and the laughter and love.  we have so much to be grateful for.  and i continue to count blessings and gifts, even on the most frigid of days. 

i pray that you, too, have blessing and gifts to count today. 

love, e    

29 january 2021

 a list of ten random things again:

right now i am on my couch listening to the hockey game in butte.  isaac is playing, ben is there watching, maddie is out with a friend for a bit, and later she and i will watch a movie together.

candles burning, for their scent and for the sound of flame.

it was a grey day today. but not cold. i thought about going for a walk, but never did.

i am in the middle of reading a book called Everything Sad is Untrue (a true story)

i am working on getting all of isaac's laundry through the wash this evening, so he can come home to all clean clothes and bedding and a clean room.  why am i doing this when he is a huge sixteen-year-old boy? when he could most certainly do this himself?  well, because he doesn't.  and because i love him too much to leave it the way it is. 

as i was scrolling facebook during the period break, i found this song a friend had posted, and it made me cry. it just gave me a whole new perspective on the mess in isaac's room . . . and made me wonder what else i might need to do to support him . . . to give him the tools to do the things he needs to do . . . 

also - i am certain that i have ADHD. . . and it's just who i am . . . i drink coffee all. day. long. and into the evening. every day.  i can get into a project and not stop to eat or drink or do things that need to be done.  and just now, i spent twenty minutes googling adult ADHD and i could keep reading for hours.

so - is this me? is this isaac? is this maddie? well . . . the exploration will continue. but for now, i will finish this list and then go switch the laundry again.

i have been listening to this song on repeat. becuase it just gets into my head and because i could have written it to ben. 

this whole life thing is hard and easy, awful and beautiful, excruciating and tranquil, thunder crash and soft rain, clouds and sunshine, all the words and yawning silence, cold shoulders and warm hugs, and a whole lot of terrible, fabulous work.

 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .   

and a psalm

let your steadfast love be upon us, o lord, even as we hope in you.

psalm 33:22 

28 january 2021

ten things

1. i miss this space, so i am jumping into it on a thursday toward the end of january.
2. the sun is shining in through my window, the high temp today is forecast to be 42 degrees F, and the rest of the 10-day forecast is for mostly sunny days and temps that stay above zero.
3. i am writing a list on the last page in the notebook that i began on july first.  this notebook holds 64 lists of random thoughts.
4. today i am wearing a gifted sweater (it is so soft and cozy, like wearing a blanket. but it looks nice. professional even. aren't those the best clothes? the ones that look great *and* feel so good.)
5. i have a new job in the time since i have written much on this blog. maybe tomorrow will be a list of ten things about my job as director of institutional advancement at miles community college. i should tell you about it, because i really like it.
6. i still drink coffee like it is going out of style. i have a little sign on the coffee bar in my office - it says "a day without coffee is like . . . just kidding. i have no idea." this is a true statement.
7. i still head outside to look up, to drink in the expanse of sky, to appreciate clouds and sun and stars and moon, to remind myself to take deep breaths, to remind myself that the maker of all of this cares about each moment in my day, each thought that i ponder in my heart, each person that i love so very fiercely.
8. there are often all kinds of things that i want to share here, in this space. 
9. sometimes i feel like there isn't time, or like the things might not be mine to share.
10. but words are my bane and my therapy, my scourge and my gift. sharing the lovely and the wretched is necessary, because it is often, when i am writing, that i remind my own self to look for the lovely and the pure and the true and the praiseworthy, the clear and the kind, and then to share these discoveries so that we may be edified, encouraged, and strengthened.

for today, go gently, love fiercely, and be wonderful, my friends. 

with so much love, e

a tiny letter

dear ones,

after the {waiting} post, i decided i should post an update.  our living room is now mostly put together and feeling like christmas.

and we have been enjoying spending time in this cozy space reading and visiting and listening to music and even opening some presents two nights before christmas - because why not.  we had a box of small gifts from some far-away friends.  we had so much fun opening those that we decided to let the kids open the presents that were games and toys and we opened our stockings.  ben and i were realizing that we are all home together for some days - we should enjoy some of the gifts that we bought for the kids.  it was really fun to just make the decision and to enjoy a few gifts together.  it was very merry and bright. 

we've also been having some really great conversations during our advent readings about what more there is to the christmas story than the simple sunday school stories.  good, thoughtful questions and words that we are sharing.  

when ben and i decided to do some redecorating, we wanted our living room to be a more welcoming space, a space where we would want to spend time.  it is.  and we fill it with candlelight and music and books and coasters for coffee cups and laughter and art from friends and all the good vibes. 

bless you, and bless your spaces, my friends.  love, e 

blue

lake, water, sunshine, but cold enough for ice

blue 

the four of us

smiling, laughing, moving, breathing 

making merry and bright 

waiting {in my living room} and {in my heart}

there are two sides to the living room right now.

this is the side that feels merry and bright.

this is the side that is making me feel like i have to remind myself to take deep breaths. we are not moving. we are redecorating. and the bookshelf will eventually arrive. the piles will have a home and we will be able to hang pictures on the walls again.   

these past months have been characterized by waiting.  waiting for test results. waiting to hear how the school days will look for the kids. waiting for bookshelves. waiting for lab work. waiting for couch arms. waiting for test results again. waiting. 

and now we find ourselves in the season of advent, the season of waiting. though we have long been in a season of waiting, a season of strange days bleeding together from one turn of the earth into another tilt of the earth in a way that we have never known before. and this year i find that i am immersing myself in preparations for advent and christmas and the coming new year with with a fierce and deep need to be present in the moments and connected to my people. i am willing to stay in the awkward moments to come out on the other side with understanding. and i seek to grasp the love that descended to bethlehem some two thousand years ago, a love that is not easy sympathy, but a burning fire whose light chases away every shadow, floods every corner, and turns midnight into noon. there is plenty of midnight that needs the light of a full moon or a noonday sun. may we know fierce love; may our corners be flooded; may our midnight be as noonday in the light that will never be overcome by darkness.  

i will leave a light on

 

sometimes the ugly in the world threatens to overwhelm. 
don't let your light go out, friends. 

but if you feel your light fading,
if you feel worthless or inadequate
or like you have failed and failed and failed,
i will leave a light on for you. 

tell me if you are feeling like you will never be
good enough, accomplished enough, wanted, worthy. 
tell me. 

don't disappear.

i will leave a light on. 
and i will tell you how very worth it you are. 
and i will tell you at least on thing you are really good at .
and i will love you fiercely and unconditionally.

and we will not let the ugly in this world win. 
we will bear witness to the healing and the good. 
we will keep the lights on.

i will leave a light on.

 

 

just five things {from sunday}

what are the chances 

.:. of finding the pen i wanted in the drawer at dispatch?

.:. of Maddie reaching behind the pile of shirts and coming up with the one she wanted?

.:. of Ben still being in town and having one more errand that gave me time to shower so i could ride to jordan with him?

.:. that Meghan's sweathshirt is hanging in the bay and fits perfectly as a second layer?

.:. that i get a few more shifts in dispatch? (more gifts to give <3 ) 

 

 

reading in the sunshine

on sunday it was sunny - very little smoke in the air for the first time in many days.

so i sat outside and in the cool of the morning and read in my Bible - in Genesis and Psalms - in Genesis 16 we meet Hagar, the stranger who God finds, who is seen by God and who sees God, and Psalm 116 could be Hagar's song

and read some poetry - The Moon Says Hello - by Lori Hetteen

later, i headed out into the backyard into the warmth and sunshine.  for three hours i soaked summer into my skin.

and i finished Be Free or Die, the Robert Smalls story - the writing isn't amazing, but Robert Smalls was an amazing person.  and there are so many pieces of history that are important in this book 

then i started and finished counting by 7s by Holly Goldberg Sloan - this book is wonderful young adult literature

the very best lines: her arms are around me. tight. because the woman is so strong, you'd think her hug would choke me.  but instead, it's the first time i can get a full breath into my lungs since i heard what happened.  

and i was undone and crying.  this.  this is exactly how i feel when ben hugs me.  and this was exactly how i felt one september night after the longest eight months in my whole life.  his arms around me.  tight.  because he is so strong, you'd think his hug would choke me.  but instead, it's the first time in eight months that i can get a full breath into my lungs.  

and now, monday, and it is raining.  i have plans to do some cleaning and organizing and staying busy.  i’ll read a psalm and maybe start another book, and try not to count hours ... 53 until i get one of those hugs ...