Isaac :: first day of sophomore year :: 15.5 years old ::
Maddie :: first day of junior year :: almost 17 years old ::
And just for comparison :: first day of school picture from last year ::
to be very cliche :: oh the difference a year makes ::
but really! really, really!
i have two.
and i love them so very much.
and i don't wish that they were little again.
i kind of like that they are taller than me.
i enjoy talking about issues and politics and morals and the bible and relationships with them. i like seeing what they create, how they dress, how they set up their rooms, how they style their hair, what they write for homework assignments, how they interpret project directions. i like to watch {some} of their shows and listen to {some} of their music.
there isn't a day that goes by that i don't think about how i am parenting them, if i am doing a good job. how much to direct. how much to just let happen. when to give advice. when to give ultimatums. how much sleep they need. how much i should help with homework. when i should visit with a teacher. how much i need to know each of their friends. what they are eating. if they are taking their vitamins and eating some fruit and veggies. when i should get on their case about cleaning their room or doing some dishes.
ben and i talk often about our kids and what we see in them and how we want to continue with our parenting. these conversations take time and effort and energy, but i wouldn't trade the time for anything. and it seems like what we are doing is working pretty well so far. we have an almost 15-year-old and a 16-year-old who are both doing pretty darn well in the decision-making and relating parts of life. i certainly don't have it all figured out, but i am so willing to talk about what we do and why we do it if it might help others navigate their journey. this is ongoing, of course, but it seems like the past week has offered ben and i opportunities to listen to our kids and to speak encouragement and advice into their situations, and to read some articles and instagram posts and a chapter in a leadership book that all speak to what is in my heart about parenting my kids. here's some bits:
what were you thinking?!? understanding the teenage brain -- a short excerpt on brain function. after reading this article today, i put the book in my amazon cart because the author, frances jensen, says, "what i learned while writing this book is that there is still a lot of myth out there about teenagers. an attitude of, 'oh, they’ll be fine. they will bounce back. they will grow out of it.' well, teenagers do grow out of it, but i felt we were dismissing what they were doing during the teenage years. it’s an incredibly valuable and precious time. it’s a time you can still really scaffold your brain for your future life." she also talks from a neurological standpoint about why they don't turn off lights and put dishes in the dishwasher. she's speaking to me, i know it.
what teenagers need from us (almost) more than anything else -- as we navigate all the busy-ness, our teens need us even when they withdraw from us. i first read this article a couple years ago. it resonated with me, i talked about it with ben, i shared it on facebook. early this week, it popped up on my facebook memories, and i re-read it and wanted to share it with you. i was going to share which of the five points resonated with me most . . . but they all resonate, deeply and clearly.
dare to lead -- i am currently reading this book for our leadership miles city class. there is so much in these pages that pertain to parenting and to marriage,or to any relationship, really, not just to work-place situations. i wrote the following paragraph as an instagram post early this week:
. clear is kind . unclear is unkind . most of us avoid clarity because we tell ourselves that we’re being kind, when what we’re actually doing is being unkind and unfair . feeding people half-truths or flattery or a line of bull to make them feel better (which is almost always about making ourselves feel more comfortable) is unkind . not getting clear with our spouse, partner, child, friend, parent, colleague about our expectations because it feels too hard, yet holding them accountable or blaming them for not delivering is unkind . talking about people rather than to people is unkind . this lesson has the potential to wildly transform relationships and lives . clear is kind . unclear is unkind . . {mostly from p 48 in dare to lead} . {working on this in my own life . working on teaching this to my children . speaking and acting with clarity and integrity . speaking and acting with kindness .} .
and, in this vein, as i focus on clearly conveying my expectations to my children, i work on giving them the tools to make a completely informed decision about if they will do as i ask, or not do as i ask. if i am clear, we both know if my expectations were respected and carried out or if my instructions and expectations were disregarded. and what then, if my expectations are disregarded, do the consequences look like? what consequence would be thought-provoking and restorative, not simply punitive and meted out because i am the boss around here. wow. these thought processes take effort. there is no set-in-stone approach. restorative consequences must be thought out in relation to each unique situation and attitude. { @lightbreaksforth wrote a bit about this on october 22 on her instagram account }
i am working on asking myself what each of my kids need to be their best self. ben and i talk about this. we are working at giving our kids the tools they need to be healthy in every sense of the word {in relationships, in rest, in exercise, in nourishment, in freedom, and with boundaries}, and then to help them know that they are worthy of being healthy.
and a friend shared a post from @sageparenting that really says a lot of all of this, and some more, and seems to be a good way to wrap up this post:
tots and teens get a bad rap but i loved the toddler season and now i’m loving the teenage season. both are developmental stages when the body outpaces the brain, the amygdala outpaces the prefrontal cortex, and independence outpaces competence.
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but actually, the reason these seasons are so often experienced as the hardest in parenting is because the mainstream parenting approach backfires. if your relationship is based on dominance and control, you’re up a creek with no paddle. if your self-worth is based on your child’s obedience, you’re going to panic. you cannot punish a toddler out of a tantrum and you cannot punish a teen away from differentiation.
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but if your relationship is based on connection, trust, and freedom, these seasons feel seamless. if i’m being honest, i really do parent my teen the same way i parented my toddler - different shades of the same color.
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so for all of you dreading the coming season of adolescence, i’m here to whisper in your ear that teens are actually awesome.
and on that note, my parent friends, go bravely, love fiercely, and be wonderful.
and if you are not a parent, and you've read this far, maybe you understand your parent friends a little better. and maybe there are some things here that will color the way you interact with your partner or your friends or your coworkers.
to all of you dear ones, go gently, go bravely, love fiercely, and be wonderful.
love, e
listening to the hum of the heater here in my office
realizing that i have needed this blog revisit
taking a tiny break from the work to-do list to type this up
working on three business plans for clients and two other fairly large projects
smiling because i get to go watch maddie play volleyball this afternoon and isaac play football tomorrow afternoon and both days, ben will be with me!
relishing ben working out of the district office, here, in our town - which means that he gets to come home every night! we get to live together!
drinking water this morning
eating a pistachio tahini bar - from the mighty seed company
thinking that i should make oatmeal raisin cookies this weekend
looking forward to this weekend - none of us has commitments on either saturday or sunday
planning some more blog posts
trusting that communication will solve some strain i am feeling
laughing (wryly) about how very much isaac goes through the same stages that maddie went through
treasuring the times i witness maddie and isaac laughing together, eating together, doing homework together, hanging out together
feeling so grateful for our cozy little house and food in the cupboards and people to share our space with
sending emails and texts and snaps and messages on instagram and messenger {we have so many ways to communicate}
sharing bits of sunshine any way i can {because then i feel the sunshine, too}
loving my people so very much
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go gently, love fiercely, and be wonderful, my friends.
and all the thoughts.
so many thoughts in looking at these pictures together. bookends to this school year.
they grew. maddie is so pretty. isaac is so handsome. they are both so kind. they are funny. nothing makes me happier than hearing them laugh. they are wonderful. they make me smile. sometimes we disagree. sometimes they make me so mad. we share laughter, and joy, and frustration, and growing pains, and utter confusion, and solid knowing. so many times, they fill my heart to bursting.
8th and 9th grade - done at noon today.
and my kids are already on to all the activities that will mark them as a 9th and a 10th grader. a freshman and a sophomore.
isaac got his football helmet for freshman year already, and has an initial camp/practice on monday. maddie has a volleyball camp monday-wednesday next week - starting to ready for j.v. tryouts. they both have summer jobs. they both have plans for some time at the beach with friends. and right now, i am thinking that i am going to block off some days that i will take off work, that the three of us can do some summery fun things together. and some days that the four of us (b+e+m+i) can do the same. we need to claim some days, right now. so we don't make it to the end of the summer without a few days of ease, together.
oh, friends, if you have littles, know that all the work you are putting in now to play with your kids, really know your kids, to build relationships, to help them find the things they like to do and that they have the potential to do well, all that work will pay off. it will. and you will have teenagers that you love to spend time with. keep choosing them. and they will keep choosing you. if you have more than one kiddo, help them choose each other (at least some of the time!), model the choosing. help them build each other up, tell them they are wonderful, model the telling. you stand to gain so much joy and such a beautifully full heart.
i love these two, ever so very much.
here's to laughter, and friday, and summertime, and new beginnings!
{squinting into the sun ~ not excited that i am taking pictures}
{and not squinting ~ excited to be heading off to school, to a new experience - junior high!}
in all the years that these two have been doing school and going to school, i have never taken a "first day of school picture" . . . i'm not sure why not. except that i rarely do things in the conventional way. i have my own little quirks and ways and tickings, i guess.
but, this is the first year they are going off to junior high. so, i thought that maybe i should document these next few years of first days. {it will be fun to see which year finds isaac taller than maddie . . . any guesses? he's eleven and a half and maddie is just about thirteen . . . and now i'm thinking that i have to get out a photo album and see what ages my next brother and i were when he caught up to me . . . hmmmm.}
after i took these pictures, i drove them into school, and as i was driving home, i dictated a journal entry ::
i don't know why today seems so big. we are starting a new chapter, that's for sure. the kids are in sixth and seventh grade. and i am thirty-six. ben will be thirty-seven in two months. is that really where we're at? it's good. it just feels very different somehow.
at school today, miss b was by the door to greet all the kids ~ a friendly and familiar face. i hope their day is just super awesome. and i'm sure it will be. they're such sweet kids. i love it that when i asked if i could walk in with them to drop something in the office, or if i should wait till they were well inside before i headed in, isaac said, "of course you can walk in with us, mom. we aren't kids who are embarrassed of our parents. we have awesome parents, and our friends who matter know that you're awesome."
through all of this craziness that has been my life, that has been our life together, sometimes i don't know what i've done right and how they've turned out (so far) the way they have. they are wonderful and fabulous and they're going to do such awesome things.
yet when i think about it, i do know how they are wonderful. they "are God’s masterpiece. He has created [them] anew in Christ Jesus, so [they] can do the good things He planned for [them] long ago." {ephesians 2:10 nlt}
i don't know why i'm feeling so nostalgic this year. is that the right word? or melancholy (deeply, quietly thoughtful). this all just feels really big and important.
i thought i would write this out and finish my thoughts as a blog post that evening. i did post these pictures on facebook and instagram on that first day of school, but here i am, a week and a half later on my blog.
because when they got home, isaac was worn out. exhausted. and feeling pretty defeated. maddie had a great day! isaac didn't.
and i sat down with him to look at his homework and to write notes to couple of his teachers. and i didn't know what i would write here. so i didn't write.
each day since school started i have done one or more of the following: i have reread isaac's IEP + recommended accommodations, written notes, made phone calls, stopped in to the school, listened to isaac, helped with homework, thought through scenarios and conversations, prayed a lot, talked this out with my God and my husband and a few good friends, and encouraged my boy to be tough, to have patience while we sort this all out.
{i am working on a post about (some of) my experience parenting a child with special needs.}
each day has gotten a little better for isaac.
each day has gone so well for maddie.
they are working hard, putting heart and mind and creativity into their school work, for themselves and for their teachers. both kids really like their teachers, and i am so grateful for these teachers (maddie and isaac have all the same ones!). what a wonderful team of people teaching these junior high kiddos!
isaac is playing football. maddie is playing volleyball. so they have practice after school four days a week. they are working hard, learning their games, putting heart and mind and muscle into a team. this is good, too!
they come home hungry and tired. but they play outside {rollerblade and scooter, walk with chaco and i, jump on the trampoline}, eat huge suppers, and get their homework done before falling into bed and sleeping deeply.
and this to me seems like a good sort of life. learning, working, creating, exercising, enjoying friends, breathing the wild fresh air, and sleeping soundly. doing the good things.
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go gently, be wonderful, and do the good things, my friends.
love, e
as i was thinking about mother's day this weekend, i was remembering a blog post i wrote, oh, six years ago now. and i wanted to share it again. i wrote it because one of my friends was pondering why her birth stories weren't really the kind that are fit for a story book. her post was titled shouldn't it by easy? she was writing and thinking about why, if women are made to have babies, why isn't it easy? my response ::
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i don't know why.
i had an emergency c-section at 38 weeks with my girl. years ago both my girl and i would have died.
then, my second pregnancy - i went into labor at 30 weeks. i had drugs to stop my labor. i was on total bedrest. he still came early - and we did a c-section even though he was tiny - because my pelvis is just too small. then he took a ride to an NICU two hours away from me . . .
i don't know why.
i read blogs where mamas labor at home and deliver in a few pushes a healthy baby into the arms of their midwives and family . . . i know mamas who deliver in the hospital and hold their babies right away, fresh from the womb . . .
i have two children, but I have never held a baby fresh from my womb. i held my daughter three hours after she was born. i held my son two and a half days after he was born.
i don't know why.
but i do know that i love my kids just as much and more than lots of mamas who have other birth stories. i know that i bonded with them, completely. i know that i am so thankful that we are all here.
i know that nothing about being a mama is easy. why should getting the little buddies here in the first place be easy? really. we might as well start right in on digging in there and really working at being a mama. cause it isn't going to get any easier. it won't be any less work. ever.
and I'm not saying that in a pessimistic way. i'm just saying - it's not easy. and sometimes i wish so much that i had two different birth stories. but i have two birth stories! and so what if they aren't all softness and warmth and water and candlelight. they are blood and guts and heartache. they are real. and they are good.
so, here's to mamas who love and sweat and pour out their innermost being for their kiddos - no matter their birth stories.
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then, there was this post, in 2011, about laundry. by now, my boy has grown to somewhere around my nose, and my girl is only an inch or so shorter than me. she and i can share jeans and shoes now. yes, the laundry feels quite different these days.
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and in november last, these words:
we are all growing. i love watching my children grow into themselves, grow into who they are becoming. they are fun, funny, beautiful, smart, kind and wonderful.
when i am listing gratitudes, i must list maddie and isaac, joy and laughter, hugs and snuggles, sweet heads resting on my shoulder, deep conversations and light-hearted jokes, the two babies i rocked who will soon be tall enough to look me straight in the eye, the two tiny ones who grew inside of me and now grow beside me. yes, i must list maddie and isaac. over and over again. the two who made me mom.
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happy mother's day, to all of you beautiful ones who share your moments of motherhood (in all their softness and warmth and blood and guts and heartache and joy) with me and others. i love that we can be an inspiration and an encouragement to one another.
go gently, go fiercely, and be wonderful, my friends.
love, e
a couple fridays ago, my kiddos and i got a day to just rest. we were home together, we took the morning oh-so-slow. then we headed out into the sunshine. the air was warm and buzzing with bugs and alive with the songs of meadowlarks and robins and the tapping of a woodpecker (maybe a flicker). we wandered through a tiny portion of the long pines, and lighted upon pasque flowers and sweet peas and another tiny white flower all in bloom. we breathed deeply and noticed. we closed our eyes and turned our faces toward the sun. isaac threw rocks far out into a coulee. maddie carried an interesting bone and called to chaco over and over again. we found tracks and droppings, bones and fur, feathers and nests, hollowed out beds and burrows.
after a long wander, we decided to drive a ways farther up the mountain, into the wild blue. windows down, air moving over us, ears filled with all the sounds, we drove oh, seven miles or so, until we found a dune of smooth, white sand. "i want to touch it," maddie told me, so i stopped and she hopped out.
she put her hand on the side of the dune, and rivulets of sand started to run, cascading down the dune. isaac wanted to try it, too. so i parked the car, right in the middle of the road, and isaac joined maddie. i found a sunny rock to sit on, and chaco set off sniffing out all the stories that only a dog can smell.
we just stayed up there, out in the sunshine and the breeze, in the air that smelled of dry sand and wet sand and grass and pine trees. the kids played and played in the sand, chaco ran here and there and over this rise and around that one, and i sat, and i stacked rocks, and i followed chaco up the road, and i ran, and i watched the kids, and i laughed, and i thought about how maddie and isaac have loved to play, just like this, since they were so very little.
how i have loved those times when i can say yes to staying, yes to getting dirty, yes to playing longer. and how wonderful it is, how very lucky i am to have two kids, 11 and almost 13, who still want to stay and play. who laugh and run a dig and smile. who like each other. who are wonderful and beautiful and kind and funny.
sitting in the sunshine, watching them play reminded me of some of the very best parts of my life. and reminded me to stay. to play. to savor. to breathe. to appreciate. to count gratitudes.
i wish the same for you, my friends. that you find moments to stay and play in.
go gently and be wonderful.
cup of coffee and more earrings to my right
computer and kitchen that was clean, but isn't anymore, in front of me
isaac playing a game, ben watching a video, maddie listening to some new music to my left
this wall behind me
i had coffee and brownies with a dear friend this morning
i read most of this book out loud to little miss s
i brought udi's pizza home for maddie and isaac for lunch
while it was baking, i read elm to maddie (i'll show you that book soon)
while maddie and isaac were eating, i read through the first part of this holy week in this book, we'll continue this evening, read some more tomorrow and finish on sunday
ben got to come home at 1:30 today - i always love having him around, and i'm soaking up all the moments i get with him, because before long, he'll be away on a detail fire . . . 'tis the season
ben and i talked through some wrinkles in some relationships - man, families can be tricky and wrinkly, and sometimes my optimism is misplaced -
maddie cut up strawberries this afternoon, then asked for my help to make a dessert - she started thinking of ingredients that i can eat, and together we made some very tasty coconut almond bars
i went for a run in the wind - the weather is so strange today - the air was actually quite warm, but the wind was very cold . . . my ears were so cold- a drastic contrast to the rest of me, which was too warm (umm, just tell them you were sweating, e. yeah. i was sweating) . . . but running felt so good! i never would have guessed that at 34 i would begin to love running . . .
then i ate veggies
then i ate the bars maddie made
with strawberries
it's crazy windy outside (the little arizona bell is wildly ringing, stef)
tomorrow i'm going to make lemon meringue pie for our (extended) family easter meal (if it turns out, i'll take a picture - i hope it turns out!)
i hope you all have a blessed weekend, my friends
love to you, ~e
oh beautiful girl of mine.
no matter when, no matter where, no matter why.
i will always come for you.
if you get that shaky feeling in your tummy, you just pick up a phone and call me.
even if you begged to go, even if all the friends think the movie or the activity is a good idea, even if you feel like you'll be the odd one, even if it's super late, even if you feel like where you are isn't where you should be, even if . . . especially if . . .
i've told you. and told you.
and you listened.
you called me. on a tuesday afternoon. not long after i dropped you off. and you told me the movie wasn't one you wanted to see. and i was saying that i'd throw my shoes on and be there in just three minutes while you were saying that you needed me to come get you.
and there you were. waiting.
and i jumped out of the car and wrapped you in a hug and bustled you into the car with me and you talked a little bit.
but the next morning we talked a long time. we talked about how Jesus went to all sorts of places to get all sorts of people. and i told you that i'd come anywhere. for any reason. to get you.
it's easy to know that i would come if things are fine and clean and nice. Jesus went to those places - banquets, temples, open fields - to get people. but he also went to the dark, ugly, hard places.
Jesus went to the grave to get Lazarus. he was dead and rotting. and it wasn't his fault. but where he was was awful. and Jesus went right to the entrance of the cave, to the dark, to the stench and called Lazarus out into the sunshine, into the fresh daylight, and made him whole.
Jesus went to the graveyard to get the man indwelt with demons. he was yelling and writhing and cutting himself. and it wasn't his fault. but where he was was awful. and Jesus went right there. and he called the demons out. and he stayed with the man while he calmed and washed and cleaned himself.
Jesus welcomed Mary Magdelene and forgave her and even though she had made wrong decisions and was in a place that was wrong and horrible - a place that many people would have judged her for - Jesus went and got her. and he welcomed her and forgave her and restored her.
Jesus will always come for us. anywhere. whether where we are is because of our choices or not our fault at all. whether where we are is ugly and horrible or clean and nice. if we are lonely and lost and need finding and sometimes forgiveness and restoration, but always love, He will always come for us.
and i, a mom, will fiercely follow His example. i will come for you, my daughter. anywhere.
'even if i was in africa?' she asks me. 'i would find a way,' i say. always, i will come for you. always.
this maddie-girl is quite the artist. i've always enjoyed her happy, quirky, funny, sweet little drawings - like this one:
and this one:
and so many others that she has done!
recently, she told me that she entered a drawing in a contest - it is a drawing of a snow goose, and i haven't even gotten to see it! but the goose below is her model:
and this:
is simply her pre-sketch! wow! i can't wait to see the final product!
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this girl makes me smile, over and over again.
Austin Channing Brown: I'm Still Here: Black Dignity in a World Made for Whiteness
Berkheimer, Drema Hall: Running on Red Dog Road: And Other Perils of an Appalachian Childhood
Quezada, Sarah: Love Undocumented: Risking Trust in a Fearful World
Jackson, Drew: God Speaks Through Wombs: Poems on God's Unexpected Coming
Dai Sijie: Balzac and the Little Chinese Seamstress: A Novel
Ronnevik, Gretchen: Ragged: Spiritual Disciplines for the Spiritually Exhausted