Bits of Sunshine

remember. revisit. rejoice.

last tuesday, my friend lindsay posted an essay called the photos that cheer us up

as i was reading, i was reminded of these photos:

two years ago, i revisited and printed these pictures and thought about framing them - i didn't then, but i think that i will now.  the printed ones are tucked into a book of poetry - i remember placing them between some pages in a mary oliver book; i know right where they are. 

today, i went digging on my blog - i know that i posted these photos here, a long time ago . . . i looked and looked and found that i had posted these pictures in the second month that i was blogging, back on october 23, 2008 . . . oh, wow.  i have been blogging a long time.  i have been taking pictures of these kiddos for a long time . . .

lindsay wrote: My urge to take pictures came from a place of observation. I wanted so badly to love my life. I’d keep my camera nearby in the house, I carried it with me when I went out. I was constantly hunting for something beautiful, even in the most ordinary of places. I took photos of whatever interested me – sometimes my little daughter, sometimes something else.

and these words brought me back to the day i took these pictures - there were all kinds of circumstances in our life then that weren't easy.  but these two kept me smiling, kept me looking for beauty, kept me laughing.  they kept me interested in life.  they still fill my life and days with reasons to rejoice.

i can remember the exact day and moment that i took these pictures - we had gone to visit ben at a job he was working - the job site was by a lake.  maddie and isaac and i wandered down onto the dock and looked at our reflections in the water, we threw in some rocks, and watched the splash and ripple.  maddie found a little purple flower, the one in the picture.  the kids sat under some low branches in the edge of the woods.  i wanted to remember them, just as they were.

maddie, always so beautiful

isaac in one of his many pairs of overalls.
i know that he was wearing his red, rubber boots, too. 

i remember isaac and maddie picking up long sticks and writing in the sand.  maddie wrote "i love dad" and isaac drew a funny, awkward heart.  then he picked up a hammer and some nails and a chunk of wood and got to work, just like ben.  maddie and i kept drawing letters and shapes in the sand. 

i remember the sunlight.  the just-right temperature.  i remember being so glad that ben had work to do.  i remember being hopeful about the business ben was partnered in. 

funny how things work out or don't work out the way we wish for or think they might.  funny how sometimes there could be hard, hard things coming, and beyond those, something better and more wonderful than we even knew to think of or to wish for. 

this fall has been a time of reflection for me.  i've been looking back over my blog, things i've written over the years, pictures i've taken . . . lindsay's friend told her that looking through pictures brings good feelings, because we take pictures of things we want to remember.  i find that looking back through my blog, through my pictures, brings a lot of bittersweet feelings.  i have blogged through the good and the hard.  i have blogged to find the good in the hard.  i have written to remind myself to look for the bits of sunshine.  i have taken pictures of beauty and joy and love.  i have posted pictures to remember a smile and to remind myself to smile.

lately, i have revisited some hard, hard times and relationships in conversations with my children.  something about maddie and isaac being a new and an almost teenager, i think.  they think more deeply, see the world on more levels.  they want to know why i relate the way i do and how i see the world.  so, i'm thinking about and trying to explain to them why i relate the way i do and how i see the world.  memory lane has been bitter and sweet and healing for me. 

and friends, about pictures - take them.  save them.  post them.  print them.  so you can remember.  so you can revisit.  so you can rejoice. 

go gently, love fiercely, and be wonderful.

love, e

 

a "yes" sort of day

yesterday, maddie and isaac had dentist appointments.  down in rapid city.  almost three hours from home.  i picked them up from school at 11:30 and we headed south.  i hadn't been particularly looking forward to the drive.  but i was happy to be spending time with maddie and isaac.  so, i smiled.  i thought about feeling light-hearted.  i acted the way i wanted to feel.  and it worked.  we listened to music.  we ate snacks.  we chit-chatted.  we laughed.   

as we were driving into rapid city, i thought of taking the kids downtown after we were done at the dentist.  i remembered prairie edge - a trading post and fine art gallery that ben and i had spent some time looking in last fall.  i wanted to make the afternoon out-of-the-ordinary, a "yes" sort of day.  i thought the kids would enjoy looking at the native american art and leather work and bead work.  they thought it sounded interesting, too.  so, with shiny, clean teeth, we headed downtown.  and we took in parts of all three floors {we could go back multiple times and still have things to look at!}.  i hadn't been up into the fine art gallery before - on the top floor, flooded with sunlight from the skylights and tall windows.  such a perfect place to display paintings and sculptures.  we spent an hour or so in the store, filled with awe and amazement at the beautiful artwork.  maddie found some painting inspiration.  isaac is thinking through how he might make a headdress with feathers from the next turkey he shoots.  

after feasting our eyes, we walked to an icecream store and maddie picked strawberry and vanilla, isaac picked root beer, and i had pineapple orange sorbet.  we would have walked and window shopped and mural gawked longer, but there is definitely a fall chill in the air, especially on the shady sidewalks.  

so, we headed back to the interstate and up to fort meade recreation area.  this is a perfect place for people (and dogs {yes, we had chaco with us}) to stretch their legs.  we were crunching through the fallen oak and cottonwood leaves, and maddie said how this really feels like fall.  and i said something about being under trees and falling leaves.  maddie looked over at me, "that's why this season is called fall . . ."  she gave a funny half-smile, and we laughed that she had never really thought of that before. 

our next stop was at maurices, because somehow {insert the kind of eye-roll that every mom of a growing teenager can relate to, followed by a half-laugh, because we all know it is inevitable that just because they have clothes that fit in september, doesn't mean that said clothes are still going to fit a month later}, maddie was down to only two pairs of jeans that are long enough for her . . . so, we hit the clearance rack and found one pair that fit well and was marked down to almost nothing.  then we looked through the regular racks and found a few pairs for her to try, one of which fit just right.  and sometimes, it's worth it to buy the pair that fits just right, even if it isn't the cheapest pair in the store.  especially on a "yes" day. 

we finished our evening in the hills with supper at barbacoas.  we always love to eat there.  curry-rice bowls topped with all manner of protein and veggie options for maddie and i, super loaded nachos for isaac.  and some more laughter and goofiness.  feeling at peace.  filled with joy.  all proving to me yet again that "home is wherever i'm with you."  {the you being my husband and/or my kids; my best people.}

i drove us home through the very dark evening.  all the deer and critters stayed far away from the road, which isn't the way it always goes out here.  we took turns picking music, and at one point, maddie and isaac sang/hummed/beat-boxed a song to me - they are pretty rad little musicians! 

yesterday filled me up in much the same way this day did.  these sorts of days are my very favorite.  when ben has to be away, i love to make time count and connect with maddie and isaac.  

how i continue to love these times when i can and when i do say yes to taking the time, yes to looking, yes to laughter. and how wonderful it is, how very lucky i am to have two kids, 14 and almost 13, who laugh and run and look with me and smile. who like each other. who are wonderful and beautiful and kind and funny.

walking with them in the sunshine, watching them run and laugh with each other, reminded me of some of the very best parts of my life. and reminded me to take time. to play. to savor. to breathe. to appreciate. to count gratitudes.

i wish the same for you, my friends. that you find moments to stay in and to savor.

 

 

 

first day of school {6th and 7th grade}

 {squinting into the sun ~ not excited that i am taking pictures}

 {and not squinting ~ excited to be heading off to school, to a new experience - junior high!}

in all the years that these two have been doing school and going to school, i have never taken a "first day of school picture" . . . i'm not sure why not.  except that i rarely do things in the conventional way.  i have my own little quirks and ways and tickings, i guess. 

but, this is the first year they are going off to junior high.  so, i thought that maybe i should document these next few years of first days.  {it will be fun to see which year finds isaac taller than maddie . . . any guesses? he's eleven and a half and maddie is just about thirteen . . .  and now i'm thinking that i have to get out a photo album and see what ages my next brother and i were when he caught up to me . . . hmmmm.}

after i took these pictures, i drove them into school, and as i was driving home, i dictated a journal entry ::

i don't know why today seems so big.  we are starting a new chapter, that's for sure.  the kids are in sixth and seventh grade.  and i am thirty-six.  ben will be thirty-seven in two months.  is that really where we're at?  it's good.  it just feels very different somehow. 

at school today, miss b was by the door to greet all the kids ~ a friendly and familiar face.  i hope their day is just super awesome.  and i'm sure it will be.  they're such sweet kids.  i love it that when i asked if i could walk in with them to drop something in the office, or if i should wait till they were well inside before i headed in, isaac said, "of course you can walk in with us, mom.  we aren't kids who are embarrassed of our parents.  we have awesome parents, and our friends who matter know that you're awesome."  

through all of this craziness that has been my life, that has been our life together, sometimes i don't know what i've done right and how they've turned out (so far) the way they have.  they are wonderful and fabulous and they're going to do such awesome things. 

yet when i think about it, i do know how they are wonderful.  they "are God’s masterpiece. He has created [them] anew in Christ Jesus, so [they] can do the good things He planned for [them] long ago." {ephesians 2:10 nlt}

i don't know why i'm feeling so nostalgic this year.  is that the right word? or melancholy (deeply, quietly thoughtful).  this all just feels really big and important. 

i thought i would write this out and finish my thoughts as a blog post that evening. i did post these pictures on facebook and instagram on that first day of school, but here i am, a week and a half later on my blog. 

because when they got home, isaac was worn out.  exhausted.  and feeling pretty defeated.  maddie had a great day!  isaac didn't. 

and i sat down with him to look at his homework and to write notes to couple of his teachers.  and i didn't know what i would write here.  so i didn't write.

each day since school started i have done one or more of the following: i have reread isaac's IEP + recommended accommodations, written notes, made phone calls, stopped in to the school, listened to isaac, helped with homework, thought through scenarios and conversations, prayed a lot, talked this out with my God and my husband and a few good friends, and encouraged my boy to be tough, to have patience while we sort this all out.

{i am working on a post about (some of) my experience parenting a child with special needs.}

each day has gotten a little better for isaac. 

each day has gone so well for maddie.

they are working hard, putting heart and mind and creativity into their school work, for themselves and for their teachers.  both kids really like their teachers, and i am so grateful for these teachers (maddie and isaac have all the same ones!).  what a wonderful team of people teaching these junior high kiddos!   

isaac is playing football.  maddie is playing volleyball.  so they have practice after school four days a week.  they are working hard, learning their games, putting heart and mind and muscle into a team.  this is good, too!

they come home hungry and tired.  but they play outside {rollerblade and scooter, walk with chaco and i, jump on the trampoline}, eat huge suppers, and get their homework done before falling into bed and sleeping deeply. 

and this to me seems like a good sort of life.  learning, working, creating, exercising, enjoying friends, breathing the wild fresh air, and sleeping soundly.  doing the good things.

.. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. ... ... ..

go gently, be wonderful, and do the good things, my friends.
love, e

 

a simple letter

hello friends,

one evening, a few weeks ago, i was reading.  i was reading about mixing and kneading bread.  as i read, i could feel the bread dough under my fingers.  i could smell the warm yeasty aroma.  i could feel my arms work and my body lean into the counter.

it has been years since i have done this; almost six years since i have mixed up yeasty, gluten-filled, wheat bread dough and plunged my fist into the rising dough before turning it out onto the counter and kneading it till it felt just so. 

i was thinking about all the things we don't get to hold onto.

i set the book aside and climbed the stairs to tell my kids goodnight.

maddie is so tall - so long in her bed - all long legs and long arms and long hair.  i laid my head on her back and felt my eyes start to swim.  i had a cold, so my thick-sounding voice didn't make her ask if i was crying.  i cleared my throat and told her i love you.  and good night.

i went into isaac's room.  his feet were sticking out from under his blankets.  (the other morning i had thought, when i woke isaac up for school, that it is about time for new blankets.)  he asked if his blankets were crooked.  they were, but even after i straightened them out, they barely covered him from shoulder to toe.  it is time for a new mama-made quilt for that boy who is growing like a weed.  after kissing the top of his head and holding it together while i said i love you, i took myself into the bathroom, shut the door, sat down, and let myself cry.

i cried for how much they are changing.  i cried for joy at the goodness of our years together.  i cried for the goodness of where we are right now.  we are in such a good place right now.  i wouldn't trade where we are for kneading bread with zoe at my feet and having two kids who look tiny in their beds, but there are some beautiful and some heart-wrenching memories that live in my mind and my heart.

and the beauty of the right-now, of the everyday moments, is even more real because we have had to work so hard for and fight for the place we are; we have held on so tightly with ever fiber and muscle and last edge of a fingernail, that the peace and wonder of the here and now is something indescribable.  there is truly peace that passes all understanding.  and we are so very blessed to know the giver of peace.  we know peace himself.  he who gives joy and wonder in each of the real and raw moments of life.  he who put these two long-legged, growing, wonderful, funny, lovely people in my life for me to make blankets and bread for.  he who gives me joy as i stitch and cover and bake for them {and for their wonderful dad}. 

i pray, my friends, that you will know beauty and peace worth holding onto.  and that you will hold on to the moment-maker and the peace-giver with every fiber {and sometimes the very last fiber} of your being.

go fiercely and be wonderful.
with so much love, e

p.s.  there is a bread that i can make for us now.  it makes the kitchen smell wonderful.  and it makes toast and sandwiches that we all enjoy.  there is no kneading involved, but i can live with that.  find the recipe here.  and i don't even change anything!  

p.p.s. if you eat gluten and would like to know about some of my past bread baking, you can read about it here, here and here.  that last link is cinnamon date bread.  i need to figure out a way to do something like that gluten free.  that bread was to die for. 

p.p.p.s. happy saturday, friends!

it's my birthday

i'm 35.  today.  and i like it.  i have had such a lovely day. 

   {a picture from a couple days ago - because i didn't get one with ben today}

  {isaac picked out the card with the dog pooping - inside it says something about the "simple pleasures"}

  {this is how maddie crushes chocolate cookies for birthday cake crust - with a rubber mallet}

  {that dessert is gluten-free chocolate cookie crust, a layer of almond vanilla "ice cream" and a layer of caramel, chocolate swirl coconut "ice cream" with strawberries on top - oh my, oh my, oh my}

the day started with a bike ride with ben and coffee and banana cookies in the park with some friends that we are doing pre-marriage counseling with (ben will officiate their wedding on march 28).

then there was brunch - eggs and bacon and sweet potatoes.

i didn't do any cooking or dishes all day.  so nice.

my sister called me - i love to chat with her.

isaac gave me an green floating lounge - now i am really looking forward to ice-out!

maddie gave me a mug with gnomes all around - what a happy way to drink coffee!

ben gave me a new, green bike - what a smooth ride!

my mom gave me some fun stationery and a fun bird tag - it will brighten my space at work.

so many dear peeps sent me facebook messages and texts - i am feeling very, very loved.

ben grilled burgers for supper, and he and maddie made me heavenly birthday cake. 

we spent hours and hours outside in the fresh, warm spring air. 

if i started counting blessings - just the ones in today - i would be sitting here till the wee hours of the morning and on into tomorrow.  tonight, i can't help but smile.

and, since i ended last year's birthday post with a comparison, i will end this year's with one, too.

last year, this was my birthday weather . . .   {you can see the snow and cold}

this year . . . .   {70 degrees F and mostly sunny - no snow at all}

 

joy

 

what brings you real joy?  do that.  be that.  share that.  spend more time with that.  and get more joy.

art.  a food web.  music.  legos.  google.  youtube.  chocolate.  sprinkles.  dipped cookies.  treats for grandpa.  snow.  goggles.  snowboards.  smiles.  laughs.  quiet.  together.  joy.  

yeah.  do that.  be that.  spend more time with that.

more joy.

i wish you more joy, my friends.

nakd snail mail

look at all of this nakd-ness we received in the mail.  *smile* *wink*

seriously.  what fun.  and how tasty.  and exciting.  and good for us.  and easy to pack up and take along.  and filling.  and just plain good. 

may i recommend these to you?  you know.  if you need something to tide you over until suppertime.  or to slip in your pack for a mid-hike or mid-bike stop. 

or for mid-swim.  if you are headed somewhere warm.  or just dreaming of summer.  

we enjoyed a variety pack of nakd bars last summer.  so this box brought back some great memories.  i tucked them into the kids school bags for a pick-me-up to enjoy on the bus as they headed to their outdoor adventures at prairie wetlands learning center. 

i brought a couple with me to the office, and the taste reminded me of sunshine and fun.

and right now, the sampler case is only 9.99!  and shipping is free!  it's a perfect time to try these bars!  (i just ordered us some more!)  

each bar has 3-5 ingredients and about 10 grams of protein (this varies a bit with each flavor).  they are gluten, dairy, soy and gmo free and they are kosher and vegan.  i love the first four - all the "free" goodness.  

we are going to enjoy some more nakd eating.  and i'm going to keep these summertime memories close.  any bit of sunshine i can find - even if it's pictures from july.  july is on it's way around again.  it is.  

 
{i received one sampler box free from natural balance foods in exchange for writing this post about the nakd bars.  i will not receive any compensation if you buy bars.  but i know that we enjoy the bars, and i'm happy to share a great product with you, my friends.  eat nakd and be wonderful!} 

 

life in a state of wonder

live life
in a constant
state of wonder
every single day
despite
where you are

on sunday we had a wonderful place to be 
all four of us together
in the sunshine
in the sand
in the water
in the breeze
cottonwood leaves clicking
the splosh of the the waves
and the scent of cool water
sunfish glinting
air warm on skin
the scree of cicadas 
laughter and joy
 

we headed home satisfied with one more summer day well spent

live in wonder.  be wonderful.
love, ~e

m + i

they are back home, where they belong 
i know they had a wonderful time 
and i had some days of doing everything quietly, on my own time
but i was so ready to listen to them talking to me and to each other 
and so ready to hug tight, kiss cheek, breathe in, squeeze shoulder and arm and knee 
i love these two so very much

snack and packs

we were recently invted to try nakd bars by natural balance foods - what a treat!  they packed up easily to head to the lake with us, they didn't melt in the sun, and they were tasty and packed with energy!

we do some outdoor adventuring around here, you know.  packs are often a necessity.  and so are tasty snacks. 

in ben's case, when he is on the fireline, what is in his pack could mean the difference between life and death.  enough water.  some high-energy, light-weight foods.  a fire shelter.  some medical supplies.

over the years, we've learned some things about packing.  sometimes the thing we've learned is that we should have taken a pack!  and we are getting much better at packing up and remembering to bring our packs with us.  especially when we go for a jeep ride, or on a bike ride, or to the lake.  everybody needs to bring water, a sweatshirt, sunglasses and a snack.  ben and i both have knives, lighters, a few items for first aid, and wipes of some sort.  we're prepared for just about anything!

and now we'll have nakd bars to add to our snack list (with nuts, clif bars, dried fruit, and homemade cookies).  

my favorite flavors were pecan pie and rhubarb custard.  maddie loved the strawberry crunch and the apple crunch.  isaac's favorite was the banana crunch.  and ben's favorties were the cocoa mint and strawberry crunch. 

if you need a packable, high protein snack (gluten and dairy free! and 100% vegan!), these may become your next go-to snack!

keep packing, snacking, playing and enjoying!  be wonderful!

love, ~e