bits of sunshine

30 august 2021

usually i love facebook memories
but sometimes they are a mix of happy and sad

i signed on today, and this picture brought me right back 
into the cool night air
filled with the sounds of the baseball game,
the kids enjoying cotton candy,
ben beside me,
all of us crowding in for a picture . . .

and my breath caught
my eyes pricked with tears
and i wanted nothing more
than to be planning an outing for friday night,
all four of us together somewhere,
cool air,
music,
lights,
laughter,
good food,
me bumping into ben,
his cheek right there for me to kiss,
his hand right there to rest on my shoulder,
all four of us crowding in for a picture . . .

but that is not a plan i can make.
and the feeling of being there, in the moment of the picture
juxtaposed with the feeling of ben being so far away
sucked the breath right out of me.
my left hand ached,
pain radiating from the palm
into my ring finger
and then back into my palm,
through my wrist and up my arm
and i wrapped my right hand around my left ring finger
and breathed deep and deep and deep

and no thank you,
i don't want to count days,
i just want to make it through today . . .

and there will be a day when all four of us crowd in for a picture again

there will be

 

first day of school! first day of school!

Isaac :: first day of sophomore year :: 15.5 years old ::

Maddie :: first day of junior year :: almost 17 years old ::

And just for comparison :: first day of school picture from last year ::

to be very cliche :: oh the difference a year makes ::

but really!  really, really!  

 

 

more on "school" at home - and also, blanket forts.

first of all - i started this post one day last week - and it started as a rant.  then i didn't know if i wanted to post a rant.  so i set these words aside.  but, i'm still feeling vaguely rant-y, so, i came back to the words i had written, and changed some and added some and took some away . . . and this is what i've got.  

next - that really great list that i had on our fridge?  (see a few posts back)  that list is now in the trash.  (see the following comment). 

this is currently my life.  our life.  and it (mostly) works.  my kids do better if i am not "on" them all the time.  and i do better if i don't have expectations that i have to oversee happening.  we see each other off and on throughout the day.  i get my work done, they get theirs done.  sometimes they ask me for help.  i'm cool with that.  they've been keeping their rooms clean, eating when they are hungry, exercising at very random times, and watching movies and all of the episodes of Boy Meets World when it is too cold and windy to be outside for long.  we are making the best of it.    

those of us parents who usually send our kids to school are in a whole nother realm right now.   

i used to homeschool my kids.  i picked the curriculum.  i made the plans.  i knew my kids and myself and so i based my decisions on that.  if we did "non-traditional" learning  (otherwise known as unschooling) (otherwise known as letting my kids pick a topic and learn all they wanted to about it) (otherwise known as skipping a day, or days, of school) (otherwise known as home ec), if we did that, it was on me.  it wasn't reflected on a report card. 

now they are home with their school books, and their teachers who are used to putting together classroom lessons are now putting together "distance learning" lessons, and if the kids don't do these lessons, it reflects directly on them.  and on their report card.  some of the teachers are entering zeros as place holders before the assignment is even due - to "encourage" the kids to get the work done and "bring their grade up" - you shouldn't have to bring a grade up for an assignment that isn't even due to be graded yet . . . talk about inducing anxiety and a sense of defeat.  

and many of the teachers have varying ways that they getting information to the kids and that they are requiring them to respond to the information and turn in their work.  there isn't an "across the board" way to do this - partly because not all of the kids have the same way to get information or to turn work in.  some have internet, some don't.  some have chromebooks, some have laptops, some have tablets, some have phones, some have no devices.  some need a paper packet.  some can call a teacher, some can text a teacher, some can email a teacher, some can get into a google classroom.  some kids have parents or siblings who can and will help them with their work.  some kids don't.  some kids can get on facetime with classmates.  some kids can't.  some kids can cope with miniscule amounts of social interaction.  some kids can't.   

at this point in the year, the kids are used to their teachers' particular classroom styles.  the kids are used to their study halls, their study groups, their support networks.  now - that is all either gone or changed.  and yet, there is work that is required and grades being given.  

and so some of the days will be hard.  (or maybe all of the days will be hard).  the advice for that (from homeschool moms and even from some of the teachers {i see the memes you post on facebook!}) is to just put the school work aside and read a book or watch a documentary or play outside or watch TV or play board games or build blanket forts . . . 

and that's all find and dandy.  but it sure can't be too many days.  i can't just tell my kids that it's ok if they are too stressed to do the school work, or that if they can't understand their assignments they can just set them aside.  that might be fine if the kids weren't being graded.  my two high school students have to get their work done and get it turned in.  or they get zeros.  otherwise to be noted on a report card as an F.  

i am hopeful that our high school administrators will continue to work toward making choices that will be good for the kids and for the teachers.  i'm hoping that my kids' motivation holds out for as long as this lasts (probably through the end of the school year).  and in the meantime, maybe we'll just build a blanket fort.     

12.3.19

Sometimes you need to sit lonely on the floor in a quiet room in order to hear your own voice and not let it drown in the noise of others.~ Charlotte Eriksson ~

some days are like that.  time to sit on the floor.  with moments for quiet, for alone. 

and sometimes i sit in the living room, on the couch, while my family sits at the table, my son making crazy music - sort of a hum, sort of a trumpet, sort of an elk call . . .my daughter laughing and laughing . . . my husband tying flies and finding his own quiet in the midst of the joyful cacophony of teenage music and talking and laughing and riotous story telling.  

yesterday, i took about ten minutes for myself, in the sunlight, in my backyard, just me.  breathing and feeling the warmth through my jacket, sitting quietly and listing gratitudes.  

today, i did not take time for listing.  but i did take time for tea with a lovely girl.  and i took time to sit at the table and eat supper with my husband.  and i am writing this post, here on the couch, with my family bumping all around me. 

tomorrow, i will look for some moments to take for myself, for quiet, just a few.  

 

 

teenagers

i have two. 
and i love them so very much. 
and i don't wish that they were little again. 
i kind of like that they are taller than me. 

i enjoy talking about issues and politics and morals and the bible and relationships with them.  i like seeing what they create, how they dress, how they set up their rooms, how they style their hair, what they write for homework assignments, how they interpret project directions.  i like to watch {some} of their shows and listen to {some} of their music.  

there isn't a day that goes by that i don't think about how i am parenting them, if i am doing a good job.  how much to direct.  how much to just let happen.  when to give advice.  when to give ultimatums.  how much sleep they need.  how much i should help with homework.  when i should visit with a teacher.  how much i need to know each of their friends.  what they are eating.  if they are taking their vitamins and eating some fruit and veggies.  when i should get on their case about cleaning their room or doing some dishes.  

ben and i talk often about our kids and what we see in them and how we want to continue with our parenting.  these conversations take time and effort and energy, but i wouldn't trade the time for anything.  and it seems like what we are doing is working pretty well so far.  we have an almost 15-year-old and a 16-year-old who are both doing pretty darn well in the decision-making and relating parts of life.  i certainly don't have it all figured out, but i am so willing to talk about what we do and why we do it if it might help others navigate their journey.  this is ongoing, of course, but it seems like the past week has offered ben and i opportunities to listen to our kids and to speak encouragement and advice into their situations, and to read some articles and instagram posts and a chapter in a leadership book that all speak to what is in my heart about parenting my kids.  here's some bits:

what were you thinking?!? understanding the teenage brain  -- a short excerpt on brain function.  after reading this article today, i put the book in my amazon cart because the author, frances jensen, says, "what i learned while writing this book is that there is still a lot of myth out there about teenagers. an attitude of, 'oh, they’ll be fine. they will bounce back. they will grow out of it.' well, teenagers do grow out of it, but i felt we were dismissing what they were doing during the teenage years. it’s an incredibly valuable and precious time. it’s a time you can still really scaffold your brain for your future life."  she also talks from a neurological standpoint about why they don't turn off lights and put dishes in the dishwasher.  she's speaking to me, i know it.   

what teenagers need from us (almost) more than anything else -- as we navigate all the busy-ness, our teens need us even when they withdraw from us.  i first read this article a couple years ago.  it resonated with me, i talked about it with ben, i shared it on facebook.  early this week, it popped up on my facebook memories, and i re-read it and wanted to share it with you.  i was going to share which of the five points resonated with me most . . . but they all resonate, deeply and clearly.    

dare to lead -- i am currently reading this book for our leadership miles city class.  there is so much in these pages that pertain to parenting and to marriage,or to any relationship, really, not just to work-place situations.  i wrote the following paragraph as an instagram post early this week:

. clear is kind . unclear is unkind . most of us avoid clarity because we tell ourselves that we’re being kind, when what we’re actually doing is being unkind and unfair . feeding people half-truths or flattery or a line of bull to make them feel better (which is almost always about making ourselves feel more comfortable) is unkind . not getting clear with our spouse, partner, child, friend, parent, colleague about our expectations because it feels too hard, yet holding them accountable or blaming them for not delivering is unkind . talking about people rather than to people is unkind . this lesson has the potential to wildly transform relationships and lives . clear is kind . unclear is unkind . . {mostly from p 48 in dare to lead} . {working on this in my own life . working on teaching this to my children . speaking and acting with clarity and integrity . speaking and acting with kindness .} .

and, in this vein, as i focus on clearly conveying my expectations to my children, i work on giving them the tools to make a completely informed decision about if they will do as i ask, or not do as i ask.  if i am clear, we both know if my expectations were respected and carried out or if my instructions and expectations were disregarded.  and what then, if my expectations are disregarded, do the consequences look like?  what consequence would be thought-provoking and restorative, not simply punitive and meted out because i am the boss around here.  wow.  these thought processes take effort.  there is no set-in-stone approach.  restorative consequences must be thought out in relation to each unique situation and attitude.  { @lightbreaksforth wrote a bit about this on october 22 on her instagram account }  

i am working on asking myself what each of my kids need to be their best self.  ben and i talk about this.  we are working at giving our kids the tools they need to be healthy in every sense of the word {in relationships, in rest, in exercise, in nourishment, in freedom, and with boundaries}, and then to help them know that they are worthy of being healthy.  

and a friend shared a post from @sageparenting that really says a lot of all of this, and some more, and seems to be a good way to wrap up this post:

tots and teens get a bad rap but i loved the toddler season and now i’m loving the teenage season. both are developmental stages when the body outpaces the brain, the amygdala outpaces the prefrontal cortex, and independence outpaces competence.
.
but actually, the reason these seasons are so often experienced as the hardest in parenting is because the mainstream parenting approach backfires. if your relationship is based on dominance and control, you’re up a creek with no paddle. if your self-worth is based on your child’s obedience, you’re going to panic. you cannot punish a toddler out of a tantrum and you cannot punish a teen away from differentiation.
.
but if your relationship is based on connection, trust, and freedom, these seasons feel seamless. if i’m being honest, i really do parent my teen the same way i parented my toddler - different shades of the same color.
.
so for all of you dreading the coming season of adolescence, i’m here to whisper in your ear that teens are actually awesome. 

and on that note, my parent friends, go bravely, love fiercely, and be wonderful. 

and if you are not a parent, and you've read this far, maybe you understand your parent friends a little better.  and maybe there are some things here that will color the way you interact with your partner or your friends or your coworkers.  

to all of you dear ones, go gently, go bravely, love fiercely, and be wonderful.  

love, e

right now

listening to the hum of the heater here in my office

realizing that i have needed this blog revisit

taking a tiny break from the work to-do list to type this up

working on three business plans for clients and two other fairly large projects

smiling because i get to go watch maddie play volleyball this afternoon and isaac play football tomorrow afternoon and both days, ben will be with me!

relishing ben working out of the district office, here, in our town - which means that he gets to come home every night!  we get to live together!

drinking water this morning

eating a pistachio tahini bar - from the mighty seed company

thinking that i should make oatmeal raisin cookies this weekend

looking forward to this weekend - none of us has commitments on either saturday or sunday 

planning some more blog posts

trusting that communication will solve some strain i am feeling

laughing (wryly) about how very much isaac goes through the same stages that maddie went through 

treasuring the times i witness maddie and isaac laughing together, eating together, doing homework together, hanging out together

feeling so grateful for our cozy little house and food in the cupboards and people to share our space with 

sending emails and texts and snaps and messages on instagram and messenger {we have so many ways to communicate}

sharing bits of sunshine any way i can {because then i feel the sunshine, too}

loving my people so very much

.. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. ..

go gently, love fiercely, and be wonderful, my friends.

taste of summer

let me tell you about this summer
or maybe i want to tell myself so that i don't forget
some of what has been encompassed
in this summer of change
in this summer of settling
in this summer of growing

these words .:: change, settling, growing ::.  are definitely the framework for this summer

change: ben applied and was selected for a new position in june.  he is now a station manager, a fire operations supervisor.  he is based an hour from home - not two and a half or almost three.  maddie and isaac both had jobs this summer.  regularly scheduled jobs.  they also both have a favorite person to work out relating to and spending time with.  they are fourteen-and-a-half and almost-sixteen and will both be in high school this fall.  oh wow.  oh wow. 

{side trail.  when you have babies and toddlers, everyone tells you how fast your time with your kids goes/will go.  you vaguely believe them because you remember growing up and it doesn't seem like you lived with your mom and dad all that long - especially the older you get.  the older you get, the less of your life you spent under your parents' roof, so you kind of get what they are all saying.  but this.  this right here.  getting one set for ninth grade and one for tenth.  this makes it feel like it is all going fast.  really fast.  these tall, beautiful, wonderful people who hug me and make me feel small, who i love to talk with and listen to and laugh with.  there are all the ways they are growing and changing and becoming.   the having to say freshman and sophomore.  goodness, this all makes me feel the fastness, the speed, makes me believe them - the ones who say the things about time going fast.  it goes really fast.}

also - dramatic change for me - this is the first summer ever, in my whole life, that i have had an eight to five, monday through friday job.  while i appreciate the steadiness, the salary, the permanence, this is a strange, new situation for me, and i am learning how to function without a fluctuating schedule and without working on an as-needed basis.  my schedule doesn't vary from week to week.  i am not waiting for a phone call to know if i am needed for work the next day.  in some ways, i miss being the fill-in, the save-the-day, but in a lot of ways, i am also so very grateful that my position won't change this fall or this winter or in the spring.  i get to continue settling.

settling:  we are doing a lot of settling.  even with all the changing.  i have been repainting some rooms in our house, and touching up other worn places on the walls.  we got a few pieces of furniture and some rugs to make the kids' rooms even more comfortable.  a new mattress for isaac will really make his room feel complete.  we have slowly picked away at finding furniture that fits in each room of our house.  the guest room is very cozy and comfortable.  we have had many, many guests stay with us on their way through from east to west or west to east.  i love that we have a place to offer, a comfortable bed, a place to relax and have a meal.  this winter, ben built in a tv and game shelf in the den and we found a great sectional for that space.  i just ordered a new table and chairs for the kitchen that should work well and replace the hodgepodge we have going on in the corner of the kitchen right now.  on saturday, ben and i made a run for a craigs-list couch, and it was just exactly the right one for our living room.  i need to paint the stairwell, and then, the only painting left to do is the outside of the house.  we have a few more ideas for projects we would like to keep picking away at as we continue to settle into our house. 

we are settling with people.  we each have some good friends, people that we have connected with.  maddie and isaac have found their sports and activities, their youth group and their bible study group.  we are figuring out how we do life with the nature of ben's job, and as he settles into this new position, we will get to the point where we know what to expect more often than not.  that will be a wonderful settled feeling.  and we are all in positions where we are thriving and growing.   

growing: mainly isaac.  he's taller than me now and definitely not slowing down.  maddie has been taller than me for about two years now.  and she has been growing her hair longer again.  we have all grown our knowledge base in our jobs and with books we have read and studies we are doing this summer. 

then there are the hollyhocks.  hollyhocks between the sketchy neighbors' house and ours.  hollyhocks that are red and white and peach and magenta and pink.  hollyhocks that grew taller than the house, that filled in the view for these summer months.  hollyhocks that i hope will grow again next summer.  and we should be here to see them.  because we are settling.  staying.  doing our changing in this place. 

 

family pictures

it's that time of year. the time when all of a sudden i wish i had a really great picture of the four of us. you know, one the grandmas would want to hang on their fridges and one that really shows what we all look like to the friends and relatives we haven't seen in a while. a picture for the people who aren't on facebook or instagram. (yes, there are those people!) 

this year, one of our friends said she would take some pictures for us. and i am so grateful! yesterday we went across the street and we got some pretty great pictures - but why is it that my favorites are always the silly ones and the outtakes? i would just send those - but i know my mom and ben's mom will want pictures where they can see all of our faces . . . so i will go with one where we are all looking at the camera. but! i will also add two of the silly ones to our card. and i will post a little variety on social media. 

as i was choosing the pictures and making the card, i was struck by the fact that this will be the seventeenth christmas letter i have written as mrs. patten. this feels like some sort of milestone. i wonder if this is the last christmas picture where i will be taller than isaac? maddie is already quite a bit taller than me. maybe i will pull together a post of our christmas pictures through the years - that would be a fun trip down memory lane. for today - i am so very grateful for all these decembers, for all these years, and for the three wonderful people i get to call my own.

remember. revisit. rejoice.

last tuesday, my friend lindsay posted an essay called the photos that cheer us up

as i was reading, i was reminded of these photos:

two years ago, i revisited and printed these pictures and thought about framing them - i didn't then, but i think that i will now.  the printed ones are tucked into a book of poetry - i remember placing them between some pages in a mary oliver book; i know right where they are. 

today, i went digging on my blog - i know that i posted these photos here, a long time ago . . . i looked and looked and found that i had posted these pictures in the second month that i was blogging, back on october 23, 2008 . . . oh, wow.  i have been blogging a long time.  i have been taking pictures of these kiddos for a long time . . .

lindsay wrote: My urge to take pictures came from a place of observation. I wanted so badly to love my life. I’d keep my camera nearby in the house, I carried it with me when I went out. I was constantly hunting for something beautiful, even in the most ordinary of places. I took photos of whatever interested me – sometimes my little daughter, sometimes something else.

and these words brought me back to the day i took these pictures - there were all kinds of circumstances in our life then that weren't easy.  but these two kept me smiling, kept me looking for beauty, kept me laughing.  they kept me interested in life.  they still fill my life and days with reasons to rejoice.

i can remember the exact day and moment that i took these pictures - we had gone to visit ben at a job he was working - the job site was by a lake.  maddie and isaac and i wandered down onto the dock and looked at our reflections in the water, we threw in some rocks, and watched the splash and ripple.  maddie found a little purple flower, the one in the picture.  the kids sat under some low branches in the edge of the woods.  i wanted to remember them, just as they were.

maddie, always so beautiful

isaac in one of his many pairs of overalls.
i know that he was wearing his red, rubber boots, too. 

i remember isaac and maddie picking up long sticks and writing in the sand.  maddie wrote "i love dad" and isaac drew a funny, awkward heart.  then he picked up a hammer and some nails and a chunk of wood and got to work, just like ben.  maddie and i kept drawing letters and shapes in the sand. 

i remember the sunlight.  the just-right temperature.  i remember being so glad that ben had work to do.  i remember being hopeful about the business ben was partnered in. 

funny how things work out or don't work out the way we wish for or think they might.  funny how sometimes there could be hard, hard things coming, and beyond those, something better and more wonderful than we even knew to think of or to wish for. 

this fall has been a time of reflection for me.  i've been looking back over my blog, things i've written over the years, pictures i've taken . . . lindsay's friend told her that looking through pictures brings good feelings, because we take pictures of things we want to remember.  i find that looking back through my blog, through my pictures, brings a lot of bittersweet feelings.  i have blogged through the good and the hard.  i have blogged to find the good in the hard.  i have written to remind myself to look for the bits of sunshine.  i have taken pictures of beauty and joy and love.  i have posted pictures to remember a smile and to remind myself to smile.

lately, i have revisited some hard, hard times and relationships in conversations with my children.  something about maddie and isaac being a new and an almost teenager, i think.  they think more deeply, see the world on more levels.  they want to know why i relate the way i do and how i see the world.  so, i'm thinking about and trying to explain to them why i relate the way i do and how i see the world.  memory lane has been bitter and sweet and healing for me. 

and friends, about pictures - take them.  save them.  post them.  print them.  so you can remember.  so you can revisit.  so you can rejoice. 

go gently, love fiercely, and be wonderful.

love, e

 

a "yes" sort of day

yesterday, maddie and isaac had dentist appointments.  down in rapid city.  almost three hours from home.  i picked them up from school at 11:30 and we headed south.  i hadn't been particularly looking forward to the drive.  but i was happy to be spending time with maddie and isaac.  so, i smiled.  i thought about feeling light-hearted.  i acted the way i wanted to feel.  and it worked.  we listened to music.  we ate snacks.  we chit-chatted.  we laughed.   

as we were driving into rapid city, i thought of taking the kids downtown after we were done at the dentist.  i remembered prairie edge - a trading post and fine art gallery that ben and i had spent some time looking in last fall.  i wanted to make the afternoon out-of-the-ordinary, a "yes" sort of day.  i thought the kids would enjoy looking at the native american art and leather work and bead work.  they thought it sounded interesting, too.  so, with shiny, clean teeth, we headed downtown.  and we took in parts of all three floors {we could go back multiple times and still have things to look at!}.  i hadn't been up into the fine art gallery before - on the top floor, flooded with sunlight from the skylights and tall windows.  such a perfect place to display paintings and sculptures.  we spent an hour or so in the store, filled with awe and amazement at the beautiful artwork.  maddie found some painting inspiration.  isaac is thinking through how he might make a headdress with feathers from the next turkey he shoots.  

after feasting our eyes, we walked to an icecream store and maddie picked strawberry and vanilla, isaac picked root beer, and i had pineapple orange sorbet.  we would have walked and window shopped and mural gawked longer, but there is definitely a fall chill in the air, especially on the shady sidewalks.  

so, we headed back to the interstate and up to fort meade recreation area.  this is a perfect place for people (and dogs {yes, we had chaco with us}) to stretch their legs.  we were crunching through the fallen oak and cottonwood leaves, and maddie said how this really feels like fall.  and i said something about being under trees and falling leaves.  maddie looked over at me, "that's why this season is called fall . . ."  she gave a funny half-smile, and we laughed that she had never really thought of that before. 

our next stop was at maurices, because somehow {insert the kind of eye-roll that every mom of a growing teenager can relate to, followed by a half-laugh, because we all know it is inevitable that just because they have clothes that fit in september, doesn't mean that said clothes are still going to fit a month later}, maddie was down to only two pairs of jeans that are long enough for her . . . so, we hit the clearance rack and found one pair that fit well and was marked down to almost nothing.  then we looked through the regular racks and found a few pairs for her to try, one of which fit just right.  and sometimes, it's worth it to buy the pair that fits just right, even if it isn't the cheapest pair in the store.  especially on a "yes" day. 

we finished our evening in the hills with supper at barbacoas.  we always love to eat there.  curry-rice bowls topped with all manner of protein and veggie options for maddie and i, super loaded nachos for isaac.  and some more laughter and goofiness.  feeling at peace.  filled with joy.  all proving to me yet again that "home is wherever i'm with you."  {the you being my husband and/or my kids; my best people.}

i drove us home through the very dark evening.  all the deer and critters stayed far away from the road, which isn't the way it always goes out here.  we took turns picking music, and at one point, maddie and isaac sang/hummed/beat-boxed a song to me - they are pretty rad little musicians! 

yesterday filled me up in much the same way this day did.  these sorts of days are my very favorite.  when ben has to be away, i love to make time count and connect with maddie and isaac.  

how i continue to love these times when i can and when i do say yes to taking the time, yes to looking, yes to laughter. and how wonderful it is, how very lucky i am to have two kids, 14 and almost 13, who laugh and run and look with me and smile. who like each other. who are wonderful and beautiful and kind and funny.

walking with them in the sunshine, watching them run and laugh with each other, reminded me of some of the very best parts of my life. and reminded me to take time. to play. to savor. to breathe. to appreciate. to count gratitudes.

i wish the same for you, my friends. that you find moments to stay in and to savor.