bits of sunshine

hello april

hello april, hello clouds, hello warm air

hello new page in the calendar

hello graduating from two physical therapy appointments each week to just one a week

hello anxiety over the EEG i have scheduled for the fourth

and hello brain telling my nervous system that there is really nothing to be anxious about - it's just a brain activity study

hello to a whole series of firsts since my stroke - first haircut, first half-mile walks, first days without an assistive walking device (neither walker nor cane)

hello to a whole lot of oppotunities for gratitude - i just know it - thirty days means thirty moments (at the very least) to find joy

hello to the last full month of having two high schoolers in my house - at the end of next month, maddie graduates

hello to the last month before fire season really kicks into gear

hello lots of blank pages and blank blog templates - pages and templates to fill before the end of the month

hello to the envelopes maddie and i will address and send off with her graduation announcements inside

hello to the projects that ben and isaac and maddie and i will do together

hello to flavorful meals and cakes waiting to be made and eaten 

april, you are going to be good, little by little, you are going to be good

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pictures by me, artwork by lori hetteen, flowers from ben, 11:11 for all the best wishes and good luck

 

 

hello! and how are you?

hello friends,

how are you holding up?    

i feel like i am in the twilight zone - like nothing makes a whole lot of sense right now. 

in a lot of ways, i am grateful for the slowing down. 

but this is also very strange.  

for the first two weeks that i worked from home, i was sick.  really sick.  sick enough that i was tested first for influenza, and when that came back negative, i was tested for COVID-19.  that test also returned a negative result.  some warmer days, and some ease in certain stresses, and just enough time for whatever my body was fighting to run its course, and i am mostly feeling better.  

yesterday, though, i felt, all day, like i was slogging through the thickest mud.  i got a lot of work done, but it all took far too long.  i helped ben do some writing for work.  and at 8:30, i shut my computer and sat down on the couch. 

i wrote in my journal for a little while.  and mostly what i could come up with was all the things i hadn't done yesterday.  and all the things i want to do while we are all home.  i wrote that i did a lot, but i don't think it feels like enough.  

yesterday, a facebook friend shared a list of eight things that can be indicators of being mentally and emotionally exhausted: a few of those things rang so true with me.  

you feel completely unmotivated - even to do things you normally enjoy.

you have almost no patience - even for the people you love the most.

you start crying unexpectedly.

you feel detached from reality.  you go through your days without really emotionally responding to or connecting with anything.  

yes. and yes. and yes. and yes.  

none of these are lasting forever, but i have experienced all of them over the past three weeks.

and i don't want to feel any of these ways.  or lack all of the feels.  i don't want to just disappear into the twilight zone.  i want to be the happy little chickadee.  so i am very intentional about doing my work to-do's and reading some and journaling some and writing a letter now and then.  and here i am writing a blog post.   

mostly, i just wanted to tell you all that things are good here at number six-twelve, that i feel really off-kilter, that i am starting to really miss people (really, really), that there are things i am enjoying (movies with my family, a campfire the other night, sitting in the sunshine, walks with ben), and that there are things i feel like i am not doing well at all.  that there are moments where i don't feel anything and moments where i feel too much or feel helpless or like i'm failing. 

i also wanted to tell you that today, we woke up to snow.  about three inches.  on monday i sat in the sunshine and soaked up enough to have a noticeable tan.  yesterday, the weather started to take turn, and today i wore my parka and mukluks when ben and i went for a walk.      

and still i have friends who remind me to breathe and so many gratitudes to count.  so many.  so very many. 

the other thing i wanted to tell you is simply this:

go gently.  you are wonderful.

love, e 

hello, from monday morning

good morning friends,

i opened my computer to take care of a few things, and i decided to read my friend geertrude's blog first thing.  a monday or two ago, she joined sandra {who blogs at diary of a stay at home mom} with a happy homemaker monday post.  it looked like a fun way to write a nomday blog post, and since i am at home today and currently attempting a phone call, but am on hold, i set my phone on speaker, and am writing while i wait for an agent to answer my questions. 

as i look outside my window ::  grey clouds, patchy snow on the ground, wind whipping the trees, freshly falling snow in the hills

right now i am :: at my little blue table, waiting for someone to answer my phone call and then hopefully answer my questions.  i am also wearing my most cozy green sweatshirt and warm wool socks

thinking and pondering :: so many things.  history.  my own and my family's and the history of this area and of our country and of humans.  some words to be written.  love.  what love really looks like.  my voice.  which thoughts to give voice to.  a lot this morning. 

on my bedside table :: an assortment of earrings.  my kids' fall sports buttons.  lotion.  a funny little lamp.  a stack of books.

on my tv :: i so rarely watch tv.  it's off now and will be off all day.  i'd rather have music playing.  or just the sound of the wind.

playing on the radio :: earlier today michele mclauughlin's christmas pure and simple albums 1 + 2 {piano music. i highly recommend these albums for a slow morning or evening with a joyful vibe}. now, just the intermittent reminder that i am still on hold, but my call is very important . . .

on the menu this week :: i don't usually plan a menu, but i do have turkey bones to boil into broth.  and ben put in a request for lo mein on evening this week {though, i learned yesterday that using rice noodles instead of wheat noodles will make this lo fun}.  i know that there will be potatoes, baked or mashed.  and maybe sloppy joes one evening.  if there is an evening that is not so windy, maybe grilled chicken breasts will be in order.  we'll see how the week goes.

on my to do list for this week :: list some winter items that we have grown out of or no longer use on ebay.  accomplish this phone call (currently 24 minutes on hold).  send some mail.  make some cookies.  scrub all the hard floors really, really well.  take chaco for a walk every day.  get through a few more boxes in the basement.  mend two pairs of jeans.  work on our will and some other organizing of papers and planning.

what i am sewing or creating :: well, there's the jeans to mend that i just mentioned.  and today is only monday, so we'll see where the week takes me.  i have some ideas . . .

my simple pleasure :: coffee.  and a piece of dark chocolate.  the quiet house.  reading.  a hug from my husband.  hugs from my kiddos.  chaco's tiny wagging tail.

lesson learned this past week :: ben and i got to attend a class that explained {some of} the ins and outs of preparing for retirement.  we learned a lot.  i have a list of things to accomplish - before the new year would be best.

looking around the house :: some christmas decorations - enough to make this little place feel festive and cozy.  two beds made, two to be made {i do like to make the kids' beds for the them when they are at school}. 

from the camera :: three kinds of fika coffee to try, gifted by josh and stephanie {the owners of fika coffee} and brought to us by ben's brother jake and his wife andrea when they were here over thanksgiving.  so far the organic dark roast is our favorite.  and the sidama arti has really nice flavor when brewed by the pour-over method. 

bible verse :: the people who walked in darkness have seen a great light.  those who dwelt in a land of deep darkness, on them, light has shined. ... their joy is increased ... for unto us a Child is born, unto us a Son is given, and the government shall be upon His shoulder, and His Name shall be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace. ... He will establish peace and justice and uphold these with righteousness from His time forth and forevermore.  the zeal of the Lord will accomplish this.

happy monday, my friends!  i hope your day has moments of accomplishment, moments of great joy, and an overarching peace.

love to you, e

 

 

hello on a monday

hello friends both old and new!

maybe you are some of my dears who have been reading me now for years and years,

maybe you are a new set of eyes, a new heart, popping in after reading my interview on hello there, friend. {which, by the way, i had so much fun responding to, and i would love so much for you to read it if you haven't!}

so, friends, happy monday to you! 

 

sometimes mondays look like

holding the line at home.  which looks like
rising even though oh, so tired, 
peeking in at my kids cozy in their beds 
feeding {and petting} my brown buddy
getting over to work {not as early as i had intended, but a little early just the same}
wearing a favorite cozy sweatshirt, favorite handmade gypsy earrings
drinking lots of coffee
eating chocolate chip cookies for breakfast, and more chocolate chip cookies for coffee break
listening in on the radio, but not hearing enough to really let me know what's going on out there
enjoying the relative quiet of the office 
taking the opportunity to write to you 
counting {but not wanting to count} the days until school starts again for my kiddos 
wanting to do something a little extra special with them this weekend, before they head back on the 24th 
feeling grateful for time spent over the past weekend with a dear friend 
hatching a plan for how to stay more connected with this friend 
keeping wide open spaces fresh in my mind
knowing the ease of standing in the open and smelling air wild with sage
sitting here with my thoughts
pondering some things deep in my mind and heart
focusing ever and always on the good and the lovely, on living, on life

wishing you all a fabulous start to this new week, my friends.

 

a simple letter

hello friends,

i just read this.

and now i'm giving myself a little pep talk.

write

write 

write

every single bless-ed day, e.  every bless-ed day.  

and find a place to get the writing published.  

write the first few words.  and then a few more.  followed by a few more.  and then get them published, acknowledged.

write.  letters.  and sometimes a poem.  and sometimes a blog post.  and words on instagram.

start pulling the poems together . . . putting some of them with some of the pictures i capture.  words and pictures together are wonderful.  powerful.

edit the essays that i are started.  and write the others that are just a few jotted notes.

join all the writing and thoughts about being married to a wildland firefighter. 

help people see the beauty through the darkness, through the heart-wrenching, soul-grating harshness that exists in this world.  there is a way to share this with more than the wonderful handful of people who read my blog and follow my instagram. seek out the ways.

and you, my friends, what is it that you are passionate about?  do a bit of it.  every day.

go fiercely and be wonderful. 
love, e

 

a simple letter

hello friends,

this evening i was working away on entering grades into my online grade book.  what a funny feeling to be clicking quarter 4 each time i add an assignment and grade.  this quarter 4 mark makes me feel reflective.  and very grateful.

i think it's time for a right now sort of list.  

today i am

wondering just how some of the pieces will fit together, but it is a good wonder

listening to music in our classroom {avett brothers, symphonies, walk off the earth, film scores}

reading some mary oliver, some edith holden, some scripture, and some instgram - so many good words

eating gingersnaps and sweet potatoes {sort of sounds like fall, but feeds the need for warm and bright on this wild march day}

drinking coffee and more coffee.  always coffee

seeing clouds of every shape and size and description and color and type {some dropping all manner of precipitation} move through and over and around us today

wearing a cozy flannel shirt under a zip hoodie, my favorite jeans, my favorite glasses, my new favorite ring, and earrings i made

feeling grateful for this year of teaching both my kiddos again 

correcting social studies tests and grammar

enjoying journal entries and creative sentences

wanting all four of us {our little family here} to feel better {head colds and poison ivy = yuck}

needing maybe just some deep breaths and a bit of a certain kind of space

counting down the days until summer break and a bit of a reset after this first year in our new place

thinking that i am willing to be dazzled and filled with awe over simple, incomprehensible splendor

loving ben. always ben. and my kiddos

praising the author of grace and strength and peace and understanding

knowing that there is no line between the sacred and the secular, this life i live is all blurred together and wonderful and beautiful, a song of praise to my God, as long as i have breath to count blessings and gratitude, as long as i have life i have hope to share, that sacred hope pouring over into every nook and cranny of it all, making all sacred, making all a witness.

today i am making all a witness.

be a witness, my friends.  a witness to beauty.  a witness to gratitude.  a witness to the sacred.

go gently and be wonderful.  love, e

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older right now posts (a few of them anyway)

here and here and here 

 

a simple letter

hello friends,

i started writing a post for instagram this morning, and i just kept writing, and it was too long for instagram, and i had more thoughts to process, so here.  here it comes.  in my letter to you.

this morning, i looked out my window at the moon and saw that jupiter and the moon had hung out together all night, jupiter up there, off to the moon's eleven o'clock.  

i thought about the beautiful {just-barely-waning} mostly-full moon as i showered this morning.  and at some point in those ten or so minutes, the positions of the moon and jupiter shifted, and i snapped a quick picture of the moon in my western sky with jupiter a bit farther away and to the moon's three o'clock.  i guess they are getting ready for wherever it is they both go for the day.  for daytime here, in this place that i inhabit.

yesterday evening, i watched the earth turn into the path of the moon, watched the moon rise with jupiter there, just above and to the left.  both so bright in the deep indigo of the night sky.  as i walked with ben and chaco, the earth continued its turn into the rising of the moon.  

i thought about the paths of the heavenly bodies.  i thought about where i see the moon and jupiter, about how we talk about moon-rise and sun-rise, moon-set and sunset, but really, our earth is turning as the sun stays in the spot it has held for always.  i thought about describing where i see the moon from my home here on the middle of north america in the northern hemisphere.  i tried to remember when i really started thinking about the earth turning vs. the sun moving, when i really made my brain think that the sun stays, we turn, and added to that the awareness that the moon is moving around the earth, and the stars that we see are visible differently through the changing of the seasons as the earth's tilt changes.  this exercise has changed my mindset in ways that i don't think i even fully understand.  

you, friends, were also on my mind.  i thought about how connections made through this blog and my flickr and instgram spaces have given me friends all around the world.  i have friends who are coming to the end of summer as i am coming to the end of winter.  i have friends who are already well into their thursdays while i am finishing up my wednesday.  i have friends who see the stars in a different part of their sky and even some stars that i don't see.

yet we are all on this one beautiful earth.  we are all under the same sky, the same moon, the same sun, though we see different moon rises, different sunsets, different paths of the stars.

and for the few people that i am blessed to know, that i am blessed to brush against, to share moments and words and images with, there are billions more people on this planet.  people who are made of the same dust and breath i am made of.  people who need kindness and love just as much, or even more, than i do.  people who live under the same beauty of sun, moon and stars.  

all of this gives me a broad and breathless perspective on my tiny place in this world; makes me know that i must spread kindness and goodness always, into all the sunlit and moonlit and starlit corners i am granted.  

spread kindness and goodness, my friends.  and enjoy the beauty of the turning of this terrestrial ball in the vastness of sparkling space.

with so much love, e

a simple letter

hello friends,

these two pictures speak of simple and slow, of deep breaths and wonderful aromas, of beauty and a full heart.

the top picture is from our saturday hike.  ben, isaac, chaco, and i were out in the long pines.  stepping on thick, springy duff, filling our nostrils with the faint bourbon-vanilla aroma of ponderosa pine, resting our eyes in the twilight that always lingers under tall evergreens, and being soothed by the sighing of wind through long needles. 

the second picture is from this evening.  today, there was a happy little envelope in the mail for me, and inside was this tea {red velvet cake}.  when i saw that it was all hearts {and it was from a dear friend}, i knew exactly which mug i needed to drink from: my heart mug {from another dear friend}.  and how fitting that i should have this vintage table runner gracing the table {from yet another dear friend}.  and, oh my, is that tea wonderful.  so flavorful.  so smooth.  i brewed two full cups from the one sachet and enjoyed them both so very much.

and while i was enjoying the tea, the friend who gave me the cup {years ago, now} randomly sent me a text with a happy memory in it.  we texted back and forth throughout the evening, just little bits of this and that.  i let her know that i was sipping from the mug, and we agreed that it's good to have little things that remind us of our dear people.  little bits of sunshine and happy memory. 

these simple, slow, beautiful moments: i will keep making time for them, for these sorts of moments are the ones that fill my heart and bring me rest.

intentional choices that add health and beauty will always constitute time well spent. 

i pray that you will find some simple, some slow, some beautiful moments in your days, my friends; that some may be of your own doing, and that, here and there, you may be surprised by simple beauty, as well.

go gently and be wonderful.
love, e

 

a simple letter

hello friends,

one evening, a few weeks ago, i was reading.  i was reading about mixing and kneading bread.  as i read, i could feel the bread dough under my fingers.  i could smell the warm yeasty aroma.  i could feel my arms work and my body lean into the counter.

it has been years since i have done this; almost six years since i have mixed up yeasty, gluten-filled, wheat bread dough and plunged my fist into the rising dough before turning it out onto the counter and kneading it till it felt just so. 

i was thinking about all the things we don't get to hold onto.

i set the book aside and climbed the stairs to tell my kids goodnight.

maddie is so tall - so long in her bed - all long legs and long arms and long hair.  i laid my head on her back and felt my eyes start to swim.  i had a cold, so my thick-sounding voice didn't make her ask if i was crying.  i cleared my throat and told her i love you.  and good night.

i went into isaac's room.  his feet were sticking out from under his blankets.  (the other morning i had thought, when i woke isaac up for school, that it is about time for new blankets.)  he asked if his blankets were crooked.  they were, but even after i straightened them out, they barely covered him from shoulder to toe.  it is time for a new mama-made quilt for that boy who is growing like a weed.  after kissing the top of his head and holding it together while i said i love you, i took myself into the bathroom, shut the door, sat down, and let myself cry.

i cried for how much they are changing.  i cried for joy at the goodness of our years together.  i cried for the goodness of where we are right now.  we are in such a good place right now.  i wouldn't trade where we are for kneading bread with zoe at my feet and having two kids who look tiny in their beds, but there are some beautiful and some heart-wrenching memories that live in my mind and my heart.

and the beauty of the right-now, of the everyday moments, is even more real because we have had to work so hard for and fight for the place we are; we have held on so tightly with ever fiber and muscle and last edge of a fingernail, that the peace and wonder of the here and now is something indescribable.  there is truly peace that passes all understanding.  and we are so very blessed to know the giver of peace.  we know peace himself.  he who gives joy and wonder in each of the real and raw moments of life.  he who put these two long-legged, growing, wonderful, funny, lovely people in my life for me to make blankets and bread for.  he who gives me joy as i stitch and cover and bake for them {and for their wonderful dad}. 

i pray, my friends, that you will know beauty and peace worth holding onto.  and that you will hold on to the moment-maker and the peace-giver with every fiber {and sometimes the very last fiber} of your being.

go fiercely and be wonderful.
with so much love, e

p.s.  there is a bread that i can make for us now.  it makes the kitchen smell wonderful.  and it makes toast and sandwiches that we all enjoy.  there is no kneading involved, but i can live with that.  find the recipe here.  and i don't even change anything!  

p.p.s. if you eat gluten and would like to know about some of my past bread baking, you can read about it here, here and here.  that last link is cinnamon date bread.  i need to figure out a way to do something like that gluten free.  that bread was to die for. 

p.p.p.s. happy saturday, friends!

a simple letter

hello friends,

here i am again.  yesterday i wrote to you from my desk at school.  this evening i am writing to you from my couch.  ben, chaco, and i are sitting together on one of our tiny, funny couches.  there is symphony music playing.  i can hear isaac sorting through legos upstairs (there is an x-wing fighter in progress).  i'm certain that maddie is in bed reading.  and outside, the wind is whipping.  30-50 mph with gusts up to 70.  it sounds like it's going to rip through our windows.   

while i'm on the subject of the weather, today was a beautiful, eclectic mix.  this morning was grey and heavy.  we were socked in by dark clouds.  but around 11:00, they broke up and by 2:00, it was perfectly clear and 64 degrees F.  we took our morning recess at 11:00, when the sky started to clear.  after lunch, nobody wanted to head back inside.  but in we went, and i had my three work really hard for an hour (it's amazing what the incentive of doing an outdoor journal page and then being allowed to play in the sunshine does for work ethic!), then we set up journal pages and headed out.  it was so warm.  and beautiful.  the kids and i all counted to five four times (see my journal page above) and made little lists and did some sketching.  there were birds chirping and singing. robins, even!  and i heard a fly buzz by.  i was in awe that this is a february day! 

after finishing their journal assignments, the two boys played catch until the end of the day.  maddie and i sat on the step and continued to sketch and drink in the sunshine.

at 3:30, maddie and i biked home, put our things away, grabbed the leash and the dog and headed out for a walk.  a good, long walk.  maddie was wearing sandals! 

once home, i prepared supper and some dessert.  which reminds me, i should not talk about tasty food and then skip sharing the recipe!  i had quite a few requests for the recipe for the cinnamon toast bars i wrote about yesterday.  i am going to amend yesterday's letter to include that recipe, so check the end of yesterday's post if you would like to make some cinnamon toast bars.  (you should.  they are so tasty!  and could be easily glutenized or veganized.)

in other news, ben is fire-ready.  and it is february 18.  and we live in western south dakota.  the packs are packed and ready.  he is back to work full-time.  the winter furlough is over already.  so. very. early.  we got such little moisture over the past months.  and with the warm temps and the wild winds, any little spark would run away into a very big fire crazy quick. so, as i type this, the smell of smoke is being stirred through the living room; ben is going through his fire pack once more.  reorganizing.  making certain he has what he wants and can foresee needing, things that are worth their weight in the pack he will carry 16+ hours a day whenever he is fighting fire. 

and i am working at being ready for him to be gone at a moment's notice. 

but for now, i'll stare at him, all goofy and in love.  and i'll crawl in with him tonight.  and enjoy the hours i get with him. 

so, my friends, i am signing off for tonight. 
go gently into your tomorrow and be wonderful. 
with love, e