bits of sunshine

everything changes

everything changes.

no. some things change and some things stay the same.

they way we love each other never changes.

the way we are loved never changes.

but that’s not actually true.

the way we love each other grows and changes and encompasses more.

our hearts fill and stretch and crack and mend

and fill and stretch and crack and mend . . .

and if we are willing,

we learn, and let go, and relearn, and hang on,

and break

sometimes for sorrow,

and break

sometimes for beauty.

and in the breaking, we can stretch again,

and take in the people who come to us,

and hold who they are, just as they are,

and love bigger and more widely and deeply than we ever thought possible.

and it seems to be true that God loves each one of us like this.

the love of God is ever growing, ever willing,

holding tightly, letting go.

we like to say that God never changes. and that is comforting.

but also, everything made by God changes.

the plates of the earth are shifting,

mountains grow and crumble and erupt.

mighty oceans ebb and flow,

so that we find the remains of plants and sea creatures

in the middle of continents,

where now there is rock and dust, sand and meadow.

flowers bloom and wither and seed, die and grow again.

the universe is ever expanding,

the sky breaking open.

stars implode and explode and are born and die,

their dust finding its way to earth

to become part of the blossoms and mountains, and even part of us.

we are stardust and mountain stream, dessert sand and decayed bloom,

strands of dna from all of our ancestors

animated by the breath of God.

and God is ever over all and in all and through all

and so is ever changing, yet ever true.

Emmanuel. God with us.

breaking open the sky,

becoming flesh and bone.

Emmanuel. in every changing moment,

in every new breath

a thread from the ancient tying us to the infinite.

and so, we grow.

we break open.

we stretch.

we mend.

and each crack, each hurt, each sorrow,

each moment of beauty and pride and surprise

has the opportunity to be filled

with love,

with stardust,

with a new way of seeing,

with Emmanuel.

J5T :: friday :: december 8 :: soft

hello all, from a grey montana morning
the morning has softened . . . i woke to sleet - not soft at all.
but that has subsided,
and now it is just grey - softly grey

soft:

1. i am the soft to ben's hard : our home is the soft to his job
   (we talk about this a lot when he is out on a fire assignment, going fourteen or twenty-one days without a hug, without a chair to sit in, without a bed, without a table to eat at, without a shower, without a reprieve . . . sleeping in a tent - either on a cot or on the ground, eating off the tailgate of his truck, sitting on the ground or the tailgate or in his truck, using all the travel wipes and tricks for staying clean, danger always imminent, life-or-death decisions to be made daily or hourly or moment-by-moment, missing the softness of me and home.)

2. our bed - just the right mattress, just the right pillows and bedding, a soft landing when the world is hard

3. i love soft fabrics - it all needs to feel right on my skin

4. the way i feel when i sink into ben's arms

5. the soft light just before sunrise and the soft light of twilight

i love what michelle wrote, in her prompt to us, about softness equaling a willingness. a willingness to move past hard edges and rules and expectations of ourselves and others, willing to shift and shape and embrace blessings and and wonder and jollity (what a perfectly lovely and fun word!). the hardness, the grind, the gritty, the challenges will be there, but we can meet them with strength and softness.

with grace, i think.

i think that grace is strong and soft.

and in writing this, i am remembering a quote another friend posted some days ago

- accept grit. make pearls. lose them. -

and isn't that grace?
isn't that strength and softness?

we accept the grit - because it will come.
we make something beautiful from the grit - we do the work of softening the edges.
and then we let that softness, that beauty, out into the world for others.

 

so, dear ones, go gently (but sometimes, go stomping and roaring), love fiercely, and be wonderful.

 

.. .. .. . . . .. ... . . ... . . . . . . ... . .. . . .. . .. ... .. . . . .. ... . . . . .. . .... . . . ... 

joining michelle and company, taking a holiday pause, making lists 

 

 

J5T :: thursday :: december 7 :: calm

for many years now, i have been joining michelle gd for some of her just five things offerings. for a week or two, michelle offers prompts, some thoughts, sometimes an essay or a poem or a quote, as a jumping-off point for some journaling. she also hosts a classroom space where those who are participating can share the lists they write and have a conversation around the prompt . . . it is really a wonderful thought exercise, and a welcome place to connect over thoughts and ideas that invite empathy, joy, perspective, reflection . . .

i used to struggle to get to five things with michelle's lists. often, three or four felt right to me.
now, i love the five.
but today, i made a list of six and one of seven . . . hmmmm . . .

upon first seeing the word calm this morning,
i wrote this first list:

1. the way i feel these mornings when i take an extra hour before i go in to work
2. doing house chores at my own pace . . . the sound of the washing machine, the satisfaction of clean surfaces, the welcome of plumped pillows and freshly made beds . . .
3. walking --- by the river or up in the wooded buttes or through the woods or over the prairie
4. being on - or in - the water
5. brushing sage through my fingers. pressing my nose to the bark of a ponderosa. holding a rock - this one, then that one - finding the one that fits my hand.
6. lighting incense or palo santo or a candle

then i read michelle's note . . . and jotted some of it in my journal . . . and then wrote

presence (as the starting point, and stemming from what presence feels like to me . . .
peace
calm
mindful attention
intention
spaciousness
abundance

thank you, michelle, for your invitation into calm.

and thank you to everyone who has shared their lists. i love the thought exercise and the connection of sitting with you in your thoughts, too.

 

.. .. .. . . . .. ... . . ... . . . . . . ... . .. . . .. . .. ... .. . . . .. ... . . . . .. . .... . . . ... 

joining michelle and company, taking a holiday pause, making lists 

 

 

J5T :: wednesday :: december 6 :: jolly

jolly

1. jolly feels big and bright and warm and all-encompassing
2. draft horses decked in sleigh bells, pulling a capacious sleigh through the twilight, past trees decked in lanternlight, under the overarching sky studded with starlight
3. a grand entryway, draped in elegant evergreen garland, light shining through leaded glass windows, door open - pouring forth welcome and warmth, inviting all to bustle inside, rosy-cheeked and merry
4. there is so much snow, mounds and piles, shoveled away, marking driveway and walkway and sleigh trail
5. and in the grand hall, a fire crackling in the immense fireplace, throwing light; inviting oversized velvet chairs and sofas; tables set with glittering dishes overflowing with decadent treats; music played on a grand piano and a variety of light and deep-voiced strings; laughter and song and joy-filled conversation - no quiet corners; ice and sparkling liquid ring gently in cut glassware; light and joy glint and touch everything and everyone; all is lush and rich, no hard corners or crinkly fabrics; the merry guests are wearing soft velvet and satin, rich, vibrant color draped beautifully on each and every body; jewels flashing on fingers and at necklines, gracing earlobes, sparkling at wrists; dear friends and cheerful acquaintances shoulder to shoulder, dancing, eye catching eye, all warm, all welcoming, all vivacious with celebration.

and here is my jolly imagination - let's meet up there, shall we?

 

.. .. .. . . . .. ... . . ... . . . . . . ... . .. . . .. . .. ... .. . . . .. ... . . . . .. . .... . . . ... 

joining michelle and company, taking a holiday pause, making lists 

 

 

J5T :: tuesday :: december 5 :: winter

winter in five lists

1. cold, crisp air
2. the way the sun feels warm on a ten degree day
3. parka selfies
4. snow - falling softly, or in a fury of flurries clean and white
5. the muffled blue night

 

1. flying down a hill on a sled or saucer
2. tromping or swishing through the snow
3. icy cold cheeks that crinkle and pull when i smile
4. laughing, merry and joy-filled
5. hushed, in awe and joy-filled

 

1. a clean sheet of ice
2. skates tied tightly
3. pushing and gliding, almost flying
4. or watching young men, geared up, sticks in hand, athletic prowess in motion
5. the sound of blade on ice, stick on puck, shoulder on shoulder, snap and release, gooooooooalllll!

 

1. snow days
2. snow forts
3. board games
4. cookies + cocoa
5. blankets + movies

 

1. wood chores
2. splinters
3. a crackling fire
4. candlelight
5. night stretching longer and long

 

.. .. .. . . . .. ... . . ... . . . . . . ... . .. . . .. . .. ... .. . . . .. ... . . . . .. . .... . . . ... 

interesting to live in the northern part of the northern hemisphere. and to move in circles where the “winter experience” is what is familiar. to not have to think about the half of the world - or more - where snow and cold and evergreens and all of the scandinavian and western european traditions are completely unrealistic, unnecessary, and largely unimaginable. interesting to think about the half - or more - of the world, where the sun shines, the temperatures don’t fall, nobody needs boots or an insulated jacket, and snowmen and reindeer are a strange fantasy. 

.. .. .. . . . .. ... . . ... . . . . . . ... . .. . . .. . .. ... .. . . . .. ... . . . . .. . .... . . . ... 

joining michelle and company, taking a holiday pause, making lists 

J5T :: monday :: december 4 :: present

present

right now, here, in my office

1. sunlight through my window (so many days of sunlight! i am so grateful for this)
2. the hum and hiss of the heater (not as loud as sometimes, but not just background noise)
3. black coffee (the warmth and slight bitterness)
4. worrying at my fingernail (because there is some tension living in my body)
5. thirteen days (and this is a funny one to end with . . . present . . . but counting days until we are with isaac . . . and the days until we can be b+e+m+i all together in one space . . . so does that make me not-present? . . . but i am presently feeling this countdown deeply; it permeates every moment)

 

and my other list is for presents that i will be gifting . . . but i can't list that out here . . . shhh . . . must keep them secret 

 

.. .. .. . . . .. ... . . ... . . . . . . ... . .. . . .. . .. ... .. . . . .. ... . . . . .. . .... . . . ... 

joining michelle and company, taking a holiday pause, making lists 

 

 

J5T :: friday :: december 1 :: tradition

tradition was a different sort of thought for me to sit with

we (b+e+m+i) don't really have any traditions that have lasted . . .
the only one that has held for all the years i have been married to ben -
we have made each other homemade valentines every year for 22 years
otherwise, everything else has had seasons -
based on where we live,
ben's and my work schedules,
and the kids' schedules,
based on how much money we had to spend,
or how creative we have had to be . . .
so . . .
i have a variety of holiday and birthday memories . . .
that come with layers of peace and melancholy,
immense difficulty and determined, gritty happiness . . .

the only thread of tradition is finding joy together

tradition (for christmas)
1. we always have a tree (but we never put it up on the same date - and we have had a   v a r i e t y  of kinds)
2. always there is christmas music
3. we always have presents (though number, size, and day and time of opening are never the same)
4. there is always at least one nativity scene gracing our living space
5. i always find something (and often lots of somethings) seasonal to read
6. i send a christmas letter and picture every year (except the year i sent a new-year card . . . )

 

.. .. .. . . . .. ... . . ... . . . . . . ... . .. . . .. . .. ... .. . . . .. ... . . . . .. . .... . . . ... 

joining michelle and company, taking a holiday pause, making lists 

maddie and i made the little trees in december of 2013 . . . they have made an appearance off-and-on through the years . . . and here they are on their ten-year anniversary . . . hanging in my office, making merry and bright