wow. i don't know why i decided that trying to write a blog post every day in august was a good idea. but, i said i would. so here i am. writing.
today i was so very tired.
this morning i woke at six in my sleeping bag on the air mattress in the dispatch office and gave my briefing to the day-time dispatcher who arrived to take my place.
this morning when i arrived home, i hugged maddie and sent her off to work with my best wishes that she have a great day.
this morning i crawled into my bed and set my alarm for two hours.
this morning i got ready and headed to work where i documented donations, wrote letters, read and responded to emails, and prepped for an afternoon meeting regarding award platform set-up.
this morning i talked with beka for some time about how i just want to live with ben far more than i get to right now.
today i saw pictures a friend posted pictures of her walk - mountains, pine trees, grasses, rocks, sky . . . i commented - one day, i am going to live where i can just go for walks in the big out-there again . . .
today ben had to / got to / come to miles city for some work errands. we got food from the grocery store deli and ate lunch together under the cottonwood trees in the park to the sound of the cicadas' dull buzzing screams.
later, before he had to go, i told him i hadn't seen his eyes. he had his sunglasses on the whole time. i didn't want to say goodbye without really seeing him. he took his sunglasses off and i looked into his care-worn eyes. all i really want just now is to go away with him somewhere where nobody needs anything from us, and the days are filled with rest and blue skies. but that is not possible right now. so i pressed my lips to his, breathed in, breathed in, breathed in, pressed his hand to my cheek, and prepared for him to drive away.
this afternoon i was working on a project via zoom, when ben texted me that he wanted to swing by for one more kiss before he left town. i told my zoom meeting host that i needed to step away for two minutes, and i met ben in the parking lot for one more hug and long, long kiss.
this afternoon.
when i got home from work, there was a delivery for me. a gift i ordered for myself. two solar powered fairy lanterns and a book with the title Ragged. both seem more than fitting for right now. jars that will soak up the sunlight and then twinkle it back to me after dark. a book that has a word for exactly how i feel right there on the cover. a book that has the silhouette of a fraying rope on the cover. a book that invites me to see discipline as a gift, not a heavy burden or a performance. this book is for the one who, at times, resembles the man beaten, lying on the side of the road, needing to be bandaged and cared for far more than the proverbs thirty-one woman who apparently has it all together.
this evening i met with two other members of our city finance committee for four and a half hours to work on budget planning.
tonight i ate toast at ten thirty, after cleaning up the kitchen with isaac.
tonight i talked to ben on the phone and neither of us wanted to hang up.
tonight isaac came down and sat on the end of my bed until maddie came home and joined us. all three of us laid on the bed and talked for an hour. i am going to be so tired again in the morning (hello, one thirty a.m.), but i am also so glad that they hung out with me and that we talked and were just together. i love those two so much.
tonight, i am so very grateful for fairy lights and toast with blackberry jam, that i have a good job and that i can give to my city by filling a council seat, that i have books and books to enjoy and learn from and be inspired by, that i crave looking into my husband's eyes and that i have two teenagers who will lay on my bed and talk to me.
tonight, i hope that you all are sleeping peacefully and that you will wake with the energy to go gently, love fiercely, and be wonderful.