usually i love facebook memories
but sometimes they are a mix of happy and sad
i signed on today, and this picture brought me right back
into the cool night air
filled with the sounds of the baseball game,
the kids enjoying cotton candy,
ben beside me,
all of us crowding in for a picture . . .
and my breath caught
my eyes pricked with tears
and i wanted nothing more
than to be planning an outing for friday night,
all four of us together somewhere,
cool air,
music,
lights,
laughter,
good food,
me bumping into ben,
his cheek right there for me to kiss,
his hand right there to rest on my shoulder,
all four of us crowding in for a picture . . .
but that is not a plan i can make.
and the feeling of being there, in the moment of the picture
juxtaposed with the feeling of ben being so far away
sucked the breath right out of me.
my left hand ached,
pain radiating from the palm
into my ring finger
and then back into my palm,
through my wrist and up my arm
and i wrapped my right hand around my left ring finger
and breathed deep and deep and deep
and no thank you,
i don't want to count days,
i just want to make it through today . . .
and there will be a day when all four of us crowd in for a picture again
there will be