i have two.
and i love them so very much.
and i don't wish that they were little again.
i kind of like that they are taller than me.
i enjoy talking about issues and politics and morals and the bible and relationships with them. i like seeing what they create, how they dress, how they set up their rooms, how they style their hair, what they write for homework assignments, how they interpret project directions. i like to watch {some} of their shows and listen to {some} of their music.
there isn't a day that goes by that i don't think about how i am parenting them, if i am doing a good job. how much to direct. how much to just let happen. when to give advice. when to give ultimatums. how much sleep they need. how much i should help with homework. when i should visit with a teacher. how much i need to know each of their friends. what they are eating. if they are taking their vitamins and eating some fruit and veggies. when i should get on their case about cleaning their room or doing some dishes.
ben and i talk often about our kids and what we see in them and how we want to continue with our parenting. these conversations take time and effort and energy, but i wouldn't trade the time for anything. and it seems like what we are doing is working pretty well so far. we have an almost 15-year-old and a 16-year-old who are both doing pretty darn well in the decision-making and relating parts of life. i certainly don't have it all figured out, but i am so willing to talk about what we do and why we do it if it might help others navigate their journey. this is ongoing, of course, but it seems like the past week has offered ben and i opportunities to listen to our kids and to speak encouragement and advice into their situations, and to read some articles and instagram posts and a chapter in a leadership book that all speak to what is in my heart about parenting my kids. here's some bits:
what were you thinking?!? understanding the teenage brain -- a short excerpt on brain function. after reading this article today, i put the book in my amazon cart because the author, frances jensen, says, "what i learned while writing this book is that there is still a lot of myth out there about teenagers. an attitude of, 'oh, they’ll be fine. they will bounce back. they will grow out of it.' well, teenagers do grow out of it, but i felt we were dismissing what they were doing during the teenage years. it’s an incredibly valuable and precious time. it’s a time you can still really scaffold your brain for your future life." she also talks from a neurological standpoint about why they don't turn off lights and put dishes in the dishwasher. she's speaking to me, i know it.
what teenagers need from us (almost) more than anything else -- as we navigate all the busy-ness, our teens need us even when they withdraw from us. i first read this article a couple years ago. it resonated with me, i talked about it with ben, i shared it on facebook. early this week, it popped up on my facebook memories, and i re-read it and wanted to share it with you. i was going to share which of the five points resonated with me most . . . but they all resonate, deeply and clearly.
dare to lead -- i am currently reading this book for our leadership miles city class. there is so much in these pages that pertain to parenting and to marriage,or to any relationship, really, not just to work-place situations. i wrote the following paragraph as an instagram post early this week:
. clear is kind . unclear is unkind . most of us avoid clarity because we tell ourselves that we’re being kind, when what we’re actually doing is being unkind and unfair . feeding people half-truths or flattery or a line of bull to make them feel better (which is almost always about making ourselves feel more comfortable) is unkind . not getting clear with our spouse, partner, child, friend, parent, colleague about our expectations because it feels too hard, yet holding them accountable or blaming them for not delivering is unkind . talking about people rather than to people is unkind . this lesson has the potential to wildly transform relationships and lives . clear is kind . unclear is unkind . . {mostly from p 48 in dare to lead} . {working on this in my own life . working on teaching this to my children . speaking and acting with clarity and integrity . speaking and acting with kindness .} .
and, in this vein, as i focus on clearly conveying my expectations to my children, i work on giving them the tools to make a completely informed decision about if they will do as i ask, or not do as i ask. if i am clear, we both know if my expectations were respected and carried out or if my instructions and expectations were disregarded. and what then, if my expectations are disregarded, do the consequences look like? what consequence would be thought-provoking and restorative, not simply punitive and meted out because i am the boss around here. wow. these thought processes take effort. there is no set-in-stone approach. restorative consequences must be thought out in relation to each unique situation and attitude. { @lightbreaksforth wrote a bit about this on october 22 on her instagram account }
i am working on asking myself what each of my kids need to be their best self. ben and i talk about this. we are working at giving our kids the tools they need to be healthy in every sense of the word {in relationships, in rest, in exercise, in nourishment, in freedom, and with boundaries}, and then to help them know that they are worthy of being healthy.
and a friend shared a post from @sageparenting that really says a lot of all of this, and some more, and seems to be a good way to wrap up this post:
tots and teens get a bad rap but i loved the toddler season and now i’m loving the teenage season. both are developmental stages when the body outpaces the brain, the amygdala outpaces the prefrontal cortex, and independence outpaces competence.
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but actually, the reason these seasons are so often experienced as the hardest in parenting is because the mainstream parenting approach backfires. if your relationship is based on dominance and control, you’re up a creek with no paddle. if your self-worth is based on your child’s obedience, you’re going to panic. you cannot punish a toddler out of a tantrum and you cannot punish a teen away from differentiation.
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but if your relationship is based on connection, trust, and freedom, these seasons feel seamless. if i’m being honest, i really do parent my teen the same way i parented my toddler - different shades of the same color.
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so for all of you dreading the coming season of adolescence, i’m here to whisper in your ear that teens are actually awesome.
and on that note, my parent friends, go bravely, love fiercely, and be wonderful.
and if you are not a parent, and you've read this far, maybe you understand your parent friends a little better. and maybe there are some things here that will color the way you interact with your partner or your friends or your coworkers.
to all of you dear ones, go gently, go bravely, love fiercely, and be wonderful.
love, e