when we moved into this little apartment last october, i thought i would write a series about how we do it in 640 sq ft. you know, it could be cute and encouraging and interesting . . . sort of like these posts . . .
but it never happened.
we do it.
we make it work. and i suppose there are some "tips and tricks" that help . . .
maddie makes it work that her top bunk and her pink beanbag are really the only corners of the place that are her own. so she takes over other corners in the living room with her beautiful artworks in progress and journals and books . . . and i work through what she needs with what is unhealthy piling.
isaac makes it work by building every amazing lego creation under the sun and taking over the entire floor in the bedroom that he shares with his sister. once in a while he clears a path to their beds . . . and i work through what he needs with what is an unhealthy mess.
ben and i have made it work with a full-sized bed, so that we would have a bit of floor space in our bedroom (the smaller of the two) . . . the mattress is totally worn out, though. we really need to replace it. but is there any point in buying a new one if we are only going to move away from it in a few short months? judging by the quality of sleep we are getting lately, there is a point. a point in buying one soon.
i tell myself that i'm grateful that the windows aren't bigger - all we'd see right now is more grey and mud . . .
640 sq ft.
this morning i was thinking that, other than my sister, i don't know if anyone has asked how i'm doing without my house (the house that never really was mine, that certainly isn't any more). maybe nobody wants to scratch the scab and pour lemon juice on the wound. that's good. that's nice. maybe ben and i are so resilient that this is just something we do. life is raw and difficult and then we find the bits of sunshine and then we move on. and there's the whole thing about not dwelling on the negative and counting blessings and putting our best foot forward and making lemonade . . .
and then there's the days when the blessings surround us, here inside our four little walls, in maddie's latest '80's hairstyle and isaac's goofy morning banter and the way that ben gets up and makes breakfast for all of us even though he didn't sleep last night and the way that we all know that each other is our home and our comfort and our joy. we have a warm, dry (when we run the dehumidifier), place to live. we have artwork on the walls and pictures of happy times and music playing. we have a few good books. we have a LOT of legos and art supplies. we have food in our cupboards. we have lights. we have love.
all those things are good. and we are content. but content doesn't mean that other places and experiences aren't or shouldn't be calling us. we weren't born to live in 640 sq feet and pay the bills and eat the food and go to the school and then die. and this isn't what we want for our kids. at all.
outside these four walls yesterday, literally right outside, there were police detectives and a funeral home gurney, and heavy grey skies and damp, chill air.
outside these four walls is school, that even though it holds blessings to be counted for maddie and isaac, it also holds pressures uncountable and unnameable. and not just "do the wrong thing" kinds of pressures, but pressures to preform to a certain standard, to do things that aren't necessarily wrong, but aren't what we would choose to do, to read at a higher level than is really possible just now, to be involved in that activity, to do this fund-raiser, and on and on and on.
and outside these four walls are job applications that wait on human resources desks or wait for the opening so they can be sent. outside the four walls are hopes and dreams of living somewhere very different.
we'll gladly live in 640 sq. feet. or a tent. but outside the four walls, we want there to be space and beauty. and we are going there. we are going.
just don't ask me when. because that part, i don't know yet.