tonight, isaac and i were looking at old pictures . . . we miss our house (that isn't our house anymore) sometimes . . . we miss zoe (who isn't our chocolate lab anymore) almost all the time . . . our favorite pictures were the ones of us together and the ones of ben and of maddie.
amidst all the change, some things stay the same.
my love of strawberries and beads and legos and smiles and ben's kisses . . .
but no kisses tonight . . . ben is over 1700 miles away . . .
i can hear that it is raining again. that's why he isn't here. he's there, where it is dry, where lightning has dry tinder to catch and flare and dance into flame, where thunder in the evening means smoke to look for in the morning. here, lightning doesn't have a chance to catch and flare, thunder means more rain and no fires anywhere close to here when everything is so saturated and verdant and green.
i feel sort of jagged tonight . . . rough around the edges . . . wistful . . .
i decide not to think about what we used to have, but what we do have, what i know to be true.
i know without a doubt that we will travel; i will eat strawberries; i will hug my kiddos oh-so-tight; i will write letters; i will count days and mark time - time until ben is home (home is wherever i'm with you) and time of seasons and mournings and celebrations; i will drink coffee; i will read scripture and verses will speak to me - sometimes i will treasure the words for myself, sometimes i will share the word; i will send random gifts and give kisses on cheeks and wear beads and let my skin be saturated with sun and look and listen and try to capture the good . . . to make memories . . .
so when isaac asks me to tell him about our life, i have things to tell . . .
good things to tell when isaac asks and maddie listens. she is always listening. always soaking up the conversations and the answers and the questions . . . i want the questions and the answers to fill her with strength and love and peace . . .
. . . i need to live with strength and love and peace . . .
and that is what i wish for you, my friends, on this july night, strength and love and peace.
be wonderful, dear ones. love, ~e