bits of sunshine

ben

he doesn't really like it when i take pictures of him (but i need some - for when he's gone this summer, and he's so darn good-lookin')

  that looks like a pretty happy life, he said, about my flickr page

he sits at the table when i do dishes, because if he sits on the couch, i can't see him when i'm in our funny, tiny kitchen all alone
(if you ever visit our apartment, you'll know how silly it is that i would feel alone anywhere in it . . .)

i love laughing with him  (i need to do that more.  laugh.  with him)

i texted him today sun and wind - good combo!  he texted back you and me are a good combo!

he's always thinking of things that the kids and i would like to do or have and then figuring out how to make these things come to pass

he never, ever flips out on me and i am so very grateful for that 

he plays fun and pleasant and wonderful music in our house

we drink coffee, regular coffee, together in the evening

we both like dark chocolate, a lot

he belongs in the mountains, he has taught me to belong in the mountains

sometimes, he says things just to make me blush or to say oh help - he thinks that's funny

he honors my strengths and brings out the best in me

he is strong - probably the strongest person i know, both physically and mentally

he covers my weaknesses - he's got my back

he really likes me, i really like him

we're good together

 

 

friday evening - some pictures and thoughts

cup of coffee and more earrings to my right

computer and kitchen that was clean, but isn't anymore, in front of me

isaac playing a game, ben watching a video, maddie listening to some new music to my left

this wall behind me

i had coffee and brownies with a dear friend this morning

i read most of this book out loud to little miss s

i brought udi's pizza home for maddie and isaac for lunch

while it was baking, i read elm to maddie (i'll show you that book soon)

while maddie and isaac were eating, i read through the first part of this holy week in this book, we'll continue this evening, read some more tomorrow and finish on sunday

ben got to come home at 1:30 today - i always love having him around, and i'm soaking up all the moments i get with him, because before long, he'll be away on a detail fire . . . 'tis the season

ben and i talked through some wrinkles in some relationships - man, families can be tricky and wrinkly, and sometimes my optimism is misplaced - after fourteen years, you'd think the fact that the response doesn't change wouldn't surprise me, wouldn't catch me off guard. but it still does. because i keep hoping that eventually there will be kindness, not always harsh reproach. i keep hoping that things will ease. sometimes i tell myself that i should just stop hoping. but, apparently, i'm still hoping . . .

maddie cut up strawberries this afternoon, then asked for my help to make a dessert - she started thinking of ingredients that i can eat, and together we made some very tasty coconut almond bars

i went for a run in the wind - the weather is so strange today - the air was actually quite warm, but the wind was very cold . . . my ears were so cold- a drastic contrast to the rest of me, which was too warm (umm, just tell them you were sweating, e.  yeah.  i was sweating) . . . but running felt so good!  i never would have guessed that at 34 i would begin to love running . . .

then i ate veggies

then i ate the bars maddie made

with strawberries

it's crazy windy outside  (the little arizona bell is wildly ringing, stef)

tomorrow i'm going to make lemon meringue pie for our (extended) family easter meal (if it turns out, i'll take a picture - i hope it turns out!)

i hope you all have a blessed weekend, my friends

love to you, ~e

 

 

 

ten random things

1. my favorite smell is freshly ground coffee
2. i am obsessed with jackets, my mid-weight down and my soft-shell - i'm refusing to be too cold, even in this lovely warming-up springtime weather
3. i am researching a lay-out artist and ISBN purchase and publishing options . . .
4. did you know that there is a lot of vitamin d in pork fat?  that's good, because i love bacon and i save the drippings - which i use when i cook chicken and stirfry and veggies
5. i have a happy little lime green backpack that ben bought for me - i love using it way more than i would like using a purse
6. i never liked to run - now that i am really feeling good, i am running and enjoying it
7. i don't have all the answers . . . in fact, sometimes, there are so many questions that i have to remember to just take them one at a time . . .
8. i remember so many things that my brother and i used to do together - we had so much fun when we were kids - just like maddie and isaac - sometimes, i miss those days . . .
9. i am so looking forward to this summer, the kiddos and i are going to spend a lot of time on our bicycles and in the water and out in the fresh air
10. i love listening to random music with ben and with maddie and isaac on youtube (if you have any favorites, let me know in the comments!)

i will always, always come for you. always.

oh beautiful girl of mine. 

no matter when, no matter where, no matter why.

i will always come for you.

if you get that shaky feeling in your tummy, you just pick up a phone and call me.

even if you begged to go, even if all the friends think the movie or the activity is a good idea, even if you feel like you'll be the odd one, even if it's super late, even if you feel like where you are isn't where you should be, even if . . . especially if . . .

i've told you.  and told you.

and you listened.

you called me.  on a tuesday afternoon.  not long after i dropped you off.  and you told me the movie wasn't one you wanted to see.  and i was saying that i'd throw my shoes on and be there in just three minutes while you were saying that you needed me to come get you.

and there you were.  waiting. 

and i jumped out of the car and wrapped you in a hug and bustled you into the car with me and you talked a little bit. 

but the next morning we talked a long time.  we talked about how Jesus went to all sorts of places to get all sorts of people.  and i told you that i'd come anywhere.  for any reason.  to get you. 

it's easy to know that i would come if things are fine and clean and nice.  Jesus went to those places - banquets, temples, open fields - to get people.  but he also went to the dark, ugly, hard places. 

Jesus went to the grave to get Lazarus.  he was dead and rotting.  and it wasn't his fault.  but where he was was awful.  and Jesus went right to the entrance of the cave, to the dark, to the stench and called Lazarus out into the sunshine, into the fresh daylight, and made him whole.

Jesus went to the graveyard to get the man indwelt with demons.  he was yelling and writhing and cutting himself.  and it wasn't his fault.  but where he was was awful.  and Jesus went right there.  and he called the demons out.  and he stayed with the man while he calmed and washed and cleaned himself. 

Jesus welcomed Mary Magdelene and forgave her and even though she had made wrong decisions and was in a place that was wrong and horrible - a place that many people would have judged her for - Jesus went and got her.  and he welcomed her and forgave her and restored her.

Jesus will always come for us.  anywhere.  whether where we are is because of our choices or not our fault at all.  whether where we are is ugly and horrible or clean and nice.  if we are lonely and lost and need finding and sometimes forgiveness and restoration, but always love, He will always come for us.

and i, a mom, will fiercely follow His example.  i will come for you, my daughter.  anywhere.

'even if i was in africa?' she asks me.  'i would find a way,' i say.  always, i will come for you.  always.

 

that's where we talk about stuff

{in this post i discuss how ben and i have handled our kids learning about swear words. just a heads-up for you, my dear readers.}

a sunny, warming-up spring afternoon.  ben and i were sitting on the swings while maddie and isaac were riding their bmx bikes at the park.  there were some older boys working with their skateboards; it seemed like they were being pretty decent with our kiddos around.  i was looking all around at the melting snow and the shadows and the sunlight and chatting with ben and half watching the bikers and skaters.  i vaguely heard one of the older boys drop the f-bomb (you know, the f-word that rhymes with stuck).  i turned to ben and said something about if maddie and isaac are around the park here very much they are going to hear that word and we are going to have to explain it to them. 

so far, we've just taken each swear word as they come, talked about the word and what it means and why we choose not to use it.  at some point, they watched some cowboy movies and heard what the hell.  they watched secondhand lions and heard robert duvall say damn a fair bit.  so, i explained that hell is an awful place, so why would we want to say that word just for everyday.  and damn means you want to send someone or something to hell, so that's an ugly word, too.    

we had the whole donkey-ass-backside-fool explanation sometime around christmas one year.  somebody asked what is an ass?  after the reading of the christmas story.  don't they mean donkey?  didn't mary ride a donkey?

when isaac was pretty little, ben overheard one of his buddies tell him, "some people i know call poop shit.  what do you call poop, isaac?"  isaac told him, "i just call it poop."  his buddy said, "yeah.  me too."  ben followed up on that one with isaac, and then explained it to maddie, as well.  we had pigs then.  the back corner of their pen was full of this stuff.  but people who want to sound nice call it something else, like pig-poop.

in ben's and my conversation at the park, i told him that i was just so grateful that maddie and isaac had made it this long without realizing that they may have heard the f-word, without it registering in their little minds.  they are 9 and 10.  to have made it this long without that word presenting itself is a blessing!

i also told ben that there is a song on one cd that we have that i always skip.  the kids sometimes have asked why i always skip that song.  i told them that there is a word in that song that is very ugly.  it is a harsh and violent swear word (thank you, mumford and sons for using the f-word.), and we left it at that.  

i'm sure you all know where this is going . . . 

later, back at home, we were all sitting around the table, eating supper and, towards the end of the meal, isaac says, "is fuck a swear word?"  just like that.  no hesitation.  and ben and i look at each other and just about laugh, because this is about four hours after the conversation in the park.  and because this is the boy who calls stupid the s-word and dumb the d-word and is all kinds of distraught if he hears anyone use them.  "yep.  it is.  where did you hear that, isaac?"  "one of the big boys crashed his bike and said it today."  

so ben told the kids that this word is one of the most harsh swear words.  that a lot of people who say some of the others won't use this one.  but also, that there are people who use this one for everything and the harsh meanings get lost on them.  ben told the kids that even when he was younger and it didn't bother him to use the other words we've talked about, when he didn't care if he sounded respectful, that this one was pretty much off-limits in his mind.  

of course, maddie wanted to know what it means.  i've been thinking about this, too, ever since skipping the mumford song, because i didn't want to explain the sexual part of the meaning, but i wanted to be able to explain the harshness, so i said something like, "it's such an ugly word.  and it has a pretty big meaning.  it is violent, pushing into or through, slamming, tearing, ramming, ruining, hard, harsh, ripping, digging, turning something into an absolute mess, sometimes mangled and bloody.  people use it for situations, for awful people, for things that happen to them, for things they do to others.  that kid's crash probably hurt, but he wasn't laying in a mangled, bloody heap needing an ambulance; that word wasn't appropriate."

after a bit more talking, isaac said, "i knew i would ask you about it, but i didn't want to ask you at the park where other people might hear me.  i thought i should just ask you at supper, at the table, cause that's where we talk about stuff." 

yep.  that's where we talk about stuff.  and we'll just keep right on talkin' about stuff around our table.

 

up to the mountain

we all go up to the mountain and turn into wilder versions of ourselves. 
it’s why we go;
to be unleashed from everything that has a hold on us.

{jillian - the noisy plume}

about wild spaces:

the first mountains i ever saw were in yellowstone as the sun came up one morning last summer.
ben drove me overnight in july – out to wyoming – so i could see some real mountains.
we drove down into jackson hole and my heart is there, looking across the valley at the tetons,
camping under jackson peak, still.

in october, we (all four of us) took a 13 day driving/camping trip and got to visit rifle and ouray, co and drive south through the rocky mountains and then down to sedona, az and to the grand canyon and then up through lone pine and bishop, ca to mammoth lakes and mono lake – the sierra nevadas are gorgeous, too! we drove into reno, nv and then back this way. we stopped and camped and hiked and took deep breaths and wound the beauty up inside of us.

this summer all four of us will go out to yellowstone and jackson hole and down to pinedale, wy.

maybe we should just stay.  out there in our tents.  in the sunshine.  in the wild. 

up on the mountain.

 

I lift up my eyes to the mountains—
where does my help come from?

My help comes from the Lord,
the Maker of heaven and earth.

The Lord will keep you from all harm—
  he will watch over your life;

the Lord will watch over your coming and going
  both now and forevermore.

 

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first quote: from this post.

ending psalm:  psalm 121:1-2 + 7-8

 

 

maddie - the artist

this maddie-girl is quite the artist.  i've always enjoyed her happy, quirky, funny, sweet little drawings - like this one:

and this one:

and so many others that she has done! 

recently, she told me that she entered a drawing in a contest - it is a drawing of a snow goose, and i haven't even gotten to see it!  but the goose below is her model:

and this:

is simply her pre-sketch!  wow!  i can't wait to see the final product! 

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this girl makes me smile, over and over again.