bits of sunshine

the bits of sunshine post i promised

ben surprised me with a valentine gift.  i've been wearing it every day.

i really enjoy subbing at the schools.  it's great to go when i can and be able to stay home if i need to.  i really am enjoying getting to know some of the kids and some teachers.  i also love being done with my job at the same time that maddie and isaac are done with school.

i got to spend time with both maddie and isaac's classes last thursday.  i volunteered to spend the morning with maddie's class and then to accompnay isaac's class on an afternoon feild trip.  i had so much fun with both of them. 

i do love our small space in our apartment.  (and it's not 800 square feet.  it's only 660.)  it's very cozy.  but so easy to keep up with.  and so nice to all be together when we are home. 

i have gone to the gym three out of the last four days.  i am working hard.  a friend found a quote, "athletes eat and train, they don't diet and exercise" and i love this thought.  i want to eat well and train hard so my body will be healthy and happy.

we are so blessed to have a lot of four generations pictures.  all four of us will be together again on thursday! 

this view.  i love this view.

i am married to the most amazing man.  we just have such a good time together.  he is so good to me.  he finds the best in me and encourages me to do things that make me me and that make me happy to be me.  he is also so good at boosting me when i am working at something hard.  i am so very blessed to have him for my husband and very best friend.

 

some things i haven't written about, but, well, here they are

{this is a melancholy post.  but i needed to write it . . .}

i really miss the daylight and the sunsets out at the house ben and i built.  (i think that 4 or 5 ft tall windows are ideal . . . so is having a view of the western sky.)

on november 5, i found out that every single one of the chickens that had been ours were dead.  the new owners had a neighbor's dog get out and it just went on a rampage and killed all 17 chicken-ladies and napoleon the rooster.  i don't have any reason to save the celery ends and the carrot and potato peelings anymore . . . 

i did not get to buy ben a birthday present or a christmas present.

on december 14, isaac asked me "mom, when am i going to be able to read chapter books?"  i had to say, "i don't know."  that almost broke my heart.

we realized that at this point in our life, with ben's career move (starting over - in a job he loves, that has good potential for him, for us) and me doing the little things i have been (babysitting and paper route), well, we need to make adjustments . . . we're starting to . . .

it was so nice to take care of miss n, but hard, too.  you all know, when there is a baby in your life (even for 7.5 hours, 3 days a week) those hours are not your own.  and with our crazy winter weather, it was too cold to take her outside much.  i felt stuck some days.  but, i enjoyed her and know that i will miss her, too.

on december 10, we left zoe with ben's brother and his wife.  they live on 100 acres, in the woods, by a lake.  zoe does not have to be on a leash every time she sticks her nose out of the house.  she does not have to do her business where anyone can see (this was such an embarassment to her).  she gets to lay by a woodstove when she is inside.  she gets to run and run, and in the summer, she'll get to swim.  the only sounds in her home are the sounds of her people.  (not the next door and upstairs apartments.) (it breaks my heart that we are not her people any more.)  i miss her so.  i have to throw away the bacon-fat scraps now.  and the pork bones.  and the funny little bits of food that isaac always leaves on his plate.  there aren't brown eyes begging for a "spill" whenever i'm cooking.  there isn't a soft brown girl to curl up next to.  no friend waiting for us when we get home from anywhere . . .

isaac was reminiscing about this fort the other day.  this apartment is no place for a dog.  sometimes i wonder if this is the right place for a boy . . . hopefully it's just a short stopping point on our journey . . . i think he needs space, like zoe needs space . . . like i need space . . .

we decided to send maddie and isaac to school.  lots of good about this.  but it's hard for me to not wish that things were different, had been different since maddie was 5, so that our days at home could have looked different, so that i could have lots more memories of enjoyed accomplishments . . .

maddie is like me.  she keeps things.  she makes piles.  i don't want this to become heavy for her.  so i'm trying to be a good example.  and trying to help her see what is really worth keeping and what really should go . . .

the legal matters over the house are not finished yet.  this hangs heavy over me some days.

we have not attended church for over 3 years.  there have been good learning, growing points to this.  but there have also been things i miss: gathering, singing, marking time, listening, celebrating . . .

we have attended a church 3 of the past 5 sundays . . . lots to process about this . . .

sometimes i think about all the things ben gave up over this past year: the house he built, all his ice-fishing set-up, all his duck-hunting set-up, most of his carpentry tools, the business that he helped to build, his dog, his space (to name a few) . . . and he has given it up so graciously . . .

sometimes people are insensitive about all of this . . . mostly, i think, without even realizing that they are . . . i hope without realizing that they are . . .

this past year has been mostly really, really hard.  i wrote in ben's valentine that starting from here, we are are going to make this a good year.  that next valentine's day we are going to look back at what a good year this has been.  we're going to do it.  we're going to make this year a good one.  a really good one.  we have to.  to get there, though, there's still a few things on the list of hard things that must be done . . . we'll do them, though . . . and we'll keep on keeping on.

{and i will keep looking for the bits of sunshine.  and i'll share more of them here.  soon.}

home alone

i was home alone today.  

so, i took a picture out my favorite window . . .

then i made beds and took more pictures

and thought about my kiddos, and prayed for them

and then i got down to business

one more number (that should be emailed to me in the morning), and i will have our 2013 taxes done and will be able to push "file" !!!  oh, that will feel so good!

i also sorted through some notes before heading to a meeting with the principal about isaac's classroom situation.  i think we're getting somewhere . . . i'm attempting to stand my ground as i advocate for my child while still being kind and respectful . . . notes help.  and so does an unending trust that God knows exactly what's best for isaac and He will honor my attempts when i remain humble in spirit and kind in deed (thanks to the help of His Holy Spirit).  also - it quiets my spirit to know that ben is behind me one hundred percent.  and knowing that i was sporting some pretty fun socks under my demur black boots - well that did wonders for my state of mind, as well.

after my meeting, i stopped by where ben was working and sat on a bale of insulation with him and sipped coffee and chatted for a while.  and i picked up some valentine goodies so the kiddos could start putting them together and addressing them for friday.  (and here it is, only tuesday!  now, if only i can get my little treats done in time . . . ) 

.. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. ..

it's fun to notice all the color around our little home - brightening up these bitterly cold, short days.  what do you do to keep spirits up through the winter months?

 

saturday evening

early morning. not enough breakfast. not enough time to cook something up.

below zero all day.

last swim meet of the season.  the most stifling pool area yet. holy moly.  like sitting in a sauna for five hours.  but, with ben, and with some good friends.  today: three personal bests for maddie, one personal best for isaac. i am so proud of them. maddie has worked so hard to implement ben's suggestions, and it has paid off. extra boost of energy for isaac in the form of a butterfinger supplied by ben - in just the perfect amount of time before that personal best.

pretty drive home.

walk in the very cold air with ben.

two hour nap for me in the afternoon.

supper made by ben.

then clue and chocolate cake in the evening.

(pretty sure i'm married to the best guy ever.)

friday evening

not sure why this works the way it does when i link to a flickr pic, but it lets you scroll through what i've been posting over there . . .

so today was my last scheduled day with this little lady.  we've had some good times together, she and i.  next week she is going to start hanging out with one of my very dear friends while her mommy works.

and i?  well.  i am going to do a couple things while my kiddos are at school.

one - i am going to do some more writing.  

two - i am going to be subbing in the school district.

and three - i will most likely be taking some classes myself.  maybe in the fall.

and then there will be the random lunch-time with ben.  or volunteering in maddie or isaac's classroom. or coffee with a friend.  those sorts of things. 

so, onward i go!  i'm ready for this next bit of my life.  i'm ready to see how the fit of things will grow and change.

but first, i'm going to enjoy this weekend - starting just now with reading stories to my two before i watch a movie with my man.

my notebook

here it is in amongst all the stuff of my afternoon

(those crackers with chocolate almond spread . . . mmmmm)

what a great pick-me-up in the middle of the afternoon

i have been getting so many things done over the past few days

lots of things written down, done and crossed off

lots of little happy notes

and motivation

also, doodles and joys

it's working for me.  each day i have a little list - and if i don't get everything on it done, it gets moved to the next day.  and that's ok.  it's just so i don't forget.  and i can write down a quote or a verse.  and i can doodle.  and i can write a little reminder to look something up or look for a certain book.  and i write a bit about the weather.  and whatever else comes to mind. 

this notebook also has some pockets inside the front cover.  that's helpful, too.  i've got some forms for isaac's upcoming eye appointment and a couple other papers that i can't lose in those pockets.  it's a good system for me.  it fits. 

live in the sunshine, my friends.  love, ~e

balance. fit. gratitude.

balance - umm.  no.  how about fit.  i read this somewhere recently (and can't remember where).  fit.  putting everything together in a way that works right now.  even if that means that every day is different.  but each day works.  i needed to find a way to help it all fit, to help me keep track . . . so . . . 

remember these?  the notebooks i used to keep track of what we were working on and accomplishing?  one for each kiddo.  well, now they have school assignment books.  and i am home without them.  so, i started myself a notebook.  no stickers in it yet (ha!) . . . but i keep track of what i would like to accomplish in the day, and what i do accomplish and what i should remember for the coming day, and a good quote or two and some thoughts here and there . . . it's a good little system for me.  part journal, part to-do list, part inspiration - all in one place.  this helps the necessary things fit in my life right now.

and, in amongst the phone calls and paper work and forms and conversations and thoughtful processing and planning and laundry and cleaning and lunch packing and baking and reading to and listening to and helping with homework and stitching and writing and holding and smiling and loving and being loved, in amongst all this, i sometimes remember to list my gratitudes.

gratitudes

• 2 extra-wonderful kiddos to call my own
• helping a friend
• miss n playing quietly while i work
• miss n signing "more" for food
• miss s resting on my lap, making animal sounds and naming my eyes, nose, teeth, earrings
• the curious garden
• maddie and isaac still love for me to read to them
• a budget that just may work out
• kind words from unexpected people
• my soon-to-be new job
• sunshine
• friends who encourage and affirm
• ben holding me, encouraging me, listening to me
• ben being the rock in our home
• ben being quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to anger in all his interactions
• my God, my Savior and His Holy Spirit
• He listens to my heart-wrenched cries and my turmoil and my whys
• He is constant and good and the Giver of Good Gifts - just look at this list

somehow, listing the things i am grateful for helps with the fit of my life, of my days.  and so does my notebook.  maybe tomorrow i'll let you peek into it.

love to you, my friends.  ~e

chocolate cake at breakfast time

chocolate cake at breakfast time

that's all i wrote here - the beginning of a post - one day last week.

chocolate cake at breakfast time.

i had tried a new recipe - this one - with these changes - (of course, i always make changes).  it was so very tasty.  we had a bit after supper.

later, isaac had been in bed for a while, and he came out all bleary-eyed and wild-haired and asked, "mom, what are we having for breakfast in the morning?"  "probably ham and eggs," i replied.  "oh.  i was just thinking we should have some of that chocolate cake for breakfast." 

so, guess what.  we had ham and eggs and chocolate cake for breakfast.