i'm going to tell you something, something about a log and about grace

there's a house that i pass
on the way to my parents' house.
for the past almost-year it has been almost re-sided.
there has been a bit,
in the gable-end of the garage,
that hasn't been finished.
for almost a year,
every time i drive by,
it bugs me.
why don't they just finish it?
i often wonder.
i mean, really. what did they start it for if they weren't going to finish it?
and i said as much, out loud, the other day,
as my mom and i walked past it.

and what she told me seared my heart.

the owner was in an accident
and the work on the house came to a halt.
he's going to walk and function again, though,
almost a year later!

and here i am,
judgmentally wondering
why that siding isn't done yet.
why the front porch is still unfinished.

oh, elizabeth.
the log in your own eye.
the ugly, heavy, massive log.
i want to be looked on with compassion,
not judgement.
and yet,
here i hold judgement and condescension
in my own heart.

Father, forgive me.

i live in a house that is not finished.

and it's not for lack of trying.
we were going to have it 100% finished before we moved in.
and so many people laughed and said, "that's what everybody says."
but we weren't going to be everybody.
we were going to have it done.
and then move in.
and live in a finished house.

that was before the bank showed their true colors
and the nature of the mess they had put us in.
we have fought for 3 years to stay in this house.
it's a long story.
and i keep learning more, every day.
i learned some new things wednesday, even,
about how truly deep this mess really is.

and because of the position the bank put us in,
because of words like
predatory lending
real estate comparables
unique home
unforeseeable detriment
we are now involved in litigation against the mortgage holding bank.

and in the meantime, now, after the fact of the disaster,
we are covering all our bases as many times as we can.

the list of people we've talked with and sought advice from includes
mortgage bankers,
attorneys,
the state attorney general
and her director of housing services,
our county mortgage counselor,
realtors,
parents,
friends.

and the time spent on this,
on trying to make sense of things and sort them out
and get to a point where we can function financially,
so much time has been eaten by
phone calls
and paper work
and forms filled out
and prayers
and conversations
and soul-baring
and being so vulnerable
and eating humble pie
and taking all these lemons and making lemonade
until i am drunk on lemonade
and hung over from the tartness of it
and i am to the point where i detest lemonade
and still the lemons keep coming . . .

and there are days where i cry
and days where i clench fists and jaw
and days where i can call and accomplish
and days where i can't do anything and i have to ignore and turn off

and it all takes time.

and then i find a log in my eye and i beg for forgiveness.

because just the other day,
i was hoping that when the notice of papers served on us
(the bank decided they don't like the way things are going here,
and they called our mortgage and served us sheriff's sale and foreclosure papers last tuesday),
i was hoping that when that notice gets printed in the local paper ,
that people would be able to have some compassion.
that maybe the gossips wouldn't feel the need to gossip about us .
that maybe there would be grace for a situation that no one knows anything about.
that maybe people wouldn't assume that it's been months and months and months
since we've made a mortgage payment;
because it hasn't been . . .

and then, there i am, with that log dragging along with me.

of course there are circumstances beyond anyone's control
in everyone's life, not just my own.
and who, under the great expanse of heaven, am i to judge?

should that homeowner have to put a sign in front of their house
finishing the exterior of house on hold
due to debilitating accident
in order to be looked upon with grace and compassion?
should i have to put a sign in front of our house
property going into foreclosure
due to predatory lending practices
in order to be looked upon with grace and compassion?

we have been doing our best these past three years.
we have tried to work with the bank,
tried to stay in this house,
but since july of 2010 it has been very obvious that the bank does not want to work with us.

at this point we are doing our best to finish out here with thoughtfulness and integrity.

thank goodness this house is only a shell for our family to have been at home in.

home is wherever the four of us are together and at peace;
it's going to be in a different shell very soon.