bits of sunshine

words for my morning

{coasters made by my dear friend Elissa, as a house-warming present}

Excerpts from  http://www.aholyexperience.com/2010/11/why-blog-being-an-upside-down-blogger-part-1/  (this is the way I feel some mornings . . . I bet that you do, too)

I lay in the bed a long time.

The legs, the spirit, too heavy to move. The sun’s high already, the sheets warm. I make a point of not looking at my watch or the bedside clock’s hands ticking, vainly trying to nudge me out.

Maybe I can bury myself deep under covers, a bunker, escape today and no one will notice?

I don’t bother moving today because I already know I’ll lose.

I know I can’t get the laundry caught up this week and I know I can’t make deadlines. I know the bedrooms I tidied through last night will be dumped out by nightfall, the sink I left empty last night will be piled high by noon, the floors I washed yesterday will be tracked dirty by supper. I will definitely lose today, tomorrow, all week. I roll over, smother my face in the pillow.

Why do I need your story and why do you need your story?

Because story is a way that the Spirit of God can bind our wounds.

It is in story, we meet the Spirit of God. The reader meets the Spirit of God in the reading of story — the word made flesh in your life. The writer, you, meets the Spirit of God in the writing your story – the word made flesh in your own life.

The Word (God) wastes nothing and He heals two broken hearts with one story – the reader and the writer.

— we need your real, authentic, unmasked stories. And you – you need your messy, real, ugly stories.  Because in the hands of the Spirit, story becomes a salve to the skinned souls.

The first person that any words ever heal — is the writer of those words.

I read this last night, and I left it up on my computer so I could read it again this morning.  (It is some of what I was pondering . . . what I was writing yesterday . . .) 

{mug from Stefanie . . . those hearts . . . :) }

Just reading this - it's how I feel some mornings - not every morning - but some.  Having words for it . . . and then turning and looking for the beauty.  The bits of sunshine.  And sharing them.  Because they are words I must share.  I would argue that as much as we need the real, unmasked, sometimes messy stories, we need the beauty and the bits of goodness more.

And when we can say, "This morning I felt like staying in bed.  But I didn't.  I was grateful for the sleep I got, I got out of bed, I'm typing this for me and for you, and then I'm going to go about my day . . . and seek out the sunshine."  This is when our words help to heal ourselves and offer hope to another. 

{more coasters from Elissa . . . they make me happy :) . . . }

So.  I am grateful for the sleep I got, and though I wanted to stay in that warm nest of covers, I'm up, I'm typing this for me and for you, and then I'm going to set my kiddos up with some writing and some numbers and then I'm going to sew.  For my girl and for my man.  And tomorrow, there will be a post filled with sunshine.  Sunshine that is scattered through my home.  Sunshine that I am so grateful for, so grateful for I hardly know how to begin to say thank you . . .

quiet here

I know I have been quiet here. 

Yesterday I was realizing how much information we have had to and have chosen to give out about ourselves over the last few months and feeling like I don't want to give out one more spit of information.  Not one little bit.  I'm so tired of putting all of our personal full names and numbers and needing to quantify and list our assets and liabilities and turn our life into words and numbers on pages and computer screens.

Applying for a construction loan, needing to do all the follow-up when we found out our loan wasn't correct, talking to lawyers and other mortgage bankers and title companys and friends and family members . . . and each of them need enough information to get a picture of our financial situation and income and goals, etc. 

And I applied for (of course all the info to fill out) and was accepted in to a class - CNA training - so I can be a nursing assitant, part-time, in a nursing home, starting in December.  With that I needed to have some health tests to make sure that I don't carry certain diseases.  We had to have the tests done at a certain clinic where I've never been before, so they needed my full name, address, phone number, birthday, mother's maiden name, my maiden name, SS number . . . just to give me a little shot that I would come back in 72 hours and have checked to see if I had a reaction or not (I didn't). 

And now, I have to fill out all the job application info.  Even though I have a preliminary, contigent-on-passing-my-class, promise of a job.  So all my personal info is going into another data base . . .

When our house stuff got all crazy, I wrote a letter to friends and family explaining a lot of what was going on so they would know how to pray for us, and so we could tap into any advice that might be available.  And though it felt a bit overwhelming to send the letter with so much info, I'm so glad I did - one of my good friends directed my letter on to her dad who has been a banker for 30+ years and he had some really good insight and advice for us.  We also received so much encouragement and I know that the prayers aided in our feelings of peace and in our trust that God is truly in control.

Yesterday I was at the bank, finalizing some things with our construction loan, and found out that the banker who is now in charge of our loan needs to come out and do a total walk-through of our house.  I usually love showing my house . . . but I guess I love showing it to people I love, and people who I know will appreciate it.  People who are looking to see what makes my house my home, even a bit of what makes me who I am.  Not someone who is looking to see if every penny of a loan is accounted for and taken care of . . . not someone who is going to quantify our life like I talked about earlier, turn what I love, what makes me tick, into numbers on a page.

I guess right now I am just feeling the need to pull in.  Into our home.  Into our family.  And only share what I want to when I want to.  Sometimes I don't put anything here because I feel like I've already put so much out there for the day . . .

Is any of this making sense?  I'm not saying that I don't want to blog.  I want to.  I love sharing bits of my life, bits of sunshine here.  I love reading your bits, too.  I guess I'm just mulling over how I've been feeling.  I'm processing.  I'm cleansing - getting some of this out, so I have room for other thoughts and ideas and some new routines.  I'm telling you (and myself) part of the reason I'm not in this space every day or almost every day.  I'll get back to that.  I will.  Pretty soon, I think.

For now, the sun is shining.  I'm really hungry.  There is a fort out in the woods waiting to be worked on.  Some learning to be done with my kiddos.  And maybe some bread to be baked.

Hugs to you my friends.  I hope there is sunshine in your soul today.