bits of sunshine

a throwback to 20 june 2015

 {Capital Rock - 8 miles from our house}

{buck antelope}

{Maddie took this picture and the next one out her bedroom window}

       {a nearby lake - for swimming!}

    {the office building where Ben starts each day}

{cows on the road}

   {and cows in the pasture}

{looking east toward Camp Crook from the Montana border - 3 miles to town from here}

{Maddie and Isaac digging for dinosaur bones - we got to join the Forest Service Paleontology crew on Thursday - Isaac found a toe bone the size of a golf ball; Maddie found about 15 sting ray teeth}

we have had some great adventures so far!  and have many more pictures than this!  but here is a sampling.  there are wide open spaces and buttes and high points.  the sun shines and big storms roll through.  we have had power go out two of our 9 nights here.  there is wildlife - mule deer, whitetail deer, antelope, rabbits, all kinds of songbirds and hawks, fox, procupines, ruffed grouse, sharptail grouse and sage grouse, wild turkeys - that we have seen.  also, cows and calves and horses and sheep grazing everywhere.  there are also more wildflower types in bloom right now - wow!  they are so beautiful! 

isaac and elizabeth have more mosquito bites than one could count.  isaac's poison ivy (from minnesota) is almost all cleared up. 

maddie has been a great little helper; she told me after our last trip to spearfish (where we buy groceries) that she would be my minion and put away all the groceries (we bought enough for about three weeks). 

spearfish is about 1.5 hours south of here.  it's a great little town.  there is a wonderful discount "dinged and bent" grocery store.  and a safeway - with a great gas and grocery rewards card. 

ben really likes the guys that he gets to work with.  they compliment each other well and enjoy each others' company.  ben has good opportunities to keep working on his qualifications and work toward moving up here.  

we have been keeping a "thankful list" since we got here - i think we have about 75 things on it so far.

we are getting our house painted, cleaned and set up.  we'll send pictures of inside our home soon!

this place is a very good place for us to be.  we are so grateful for all of the answers to prayer and extra surprises that God has given us already and we are content to be settling in here.

more soon!

seen

do you ever feel so very alone in your grief or sadness or heaviness?  so very alone in whatever all it is that your mind and heart have to ponder and treasure or whatever all it is that makes your mind and heart writhe and bleed? 

maybe, just maybe, someone that you don't even realize is watching has seen your melancholy and is holding you in their heart, is praying words of strength and peace and quiet joy for you.

i was going through some papers and saved letters and notes yesterday evening, and i found so many treasures.  one of them being a copy of a note i wrote to a lady i had never talked to.  she and her family had been attending the same church that we were attending at the time, and i would see her with her family in church - she was always quiet and had a far-away look in her eye.  her spirit felt frail, the kind of frail that has no explanation, like there was not much holding her in the present, like if she were not wearing an invisible cloak of cement, she might just fade away.  

i was so struck by the frailty and sadness i saw in her, that one sunday when i got home, i started writing.  words poured out onto the notecards i had picked up to write on.  and once finished, i rewrote the note far more neatly, and found her address and sent the letter her way.  i never heard anything back from her, but i trust that god did what he wanted with the words he gave me.  

and now, friends, i want to share these words with you.  i want you to know that if you need someone to see you, i am willing.  i will see you.  

Dear friend,

I don't really know how to start this note.  All I know is that when I drove away from church this morning, I saw you sitting in your vehicle alone, and I wanted to cry.  I know that when I see you in church with your lovely family, it makes my heart happy.  I don't know what has gone on in your life to bring you to the place you are at.  All I know is that you look sad, down-hearted, discouraged.  And I know that when I pulled away from the parking lot, I didn't know if I should try to talk to you . . . but I was praying for you.  And I was thinking about nine years ago, when I was at a place of brokenness, loneliness, darkness - the bottom.  And there were people who loved me and were praying for me - they were doing battle for me in prayer.  And God brought a few very special people into my life who encouraged me and who wouldn't give up on me.

And I know that God is a God of mercy and grace and forgiveness and He give us His Spirit who fills us and seals us.  When we accept Christ, we are filled to the measure of all the fullness of God (Ephesians 3:10).  And we are sealed with his Spirit (Ephesians 1:13-14).  We are never empty (I Peter 1:18-19). Never.  That empty feeling of despair is a lie. 

I used to stand in front of my mirror and stare into my own eyes and, through tears, say out loud,  "You are not empty.  You are full.  Filled by Christ.  Never alone.  Never empty.  Never useless.  God has given you His grace.  Now, live in that today."  It was a fight.  It was a struggle.  But I had gotten to a point where I hung onto Him for dear life.  And He brought me through.  Slowly.  But surely.  He reassured me.  He affirmed me.  In my soul.  In my innermost being (Psalm 139:7-13).  And He is good.  So good. 

I want you to know this goodness of His, dear one.  And I want you to be able to rest in Him and find joy in Him and in the goodness He has bestowed on you.  

I would love to visit with you.  Tell you more of the story that God has given me.  The old, old story told again and anew.  I would love to wrap you in a hug and tell you that you are not alone.  You are not empty.  

These are the things that God laid on my heart today.  I am praying for you.  

Love, Elizabeth

i added my phone number and told her she could call if she wanted to.  otherwise, she could just know that i was praying for her.  and i did.  pray for her.  off and on for years after i sent that note.  

i pray for you, too, my friends.  off and on.  as God lays you on my heart.  

and i am so willing to have a conversation with you, to tell you the reasons for the hope that i have (I Peter 3:15).  you are not alone, no matter where you find yourself, or where you cannot find yourself.  i will hold you in my heart and pray words of strength and peace and quiet joy for you.  

with so much love, dear ones.

e

shatter

sometimes things shatter: relationships, health, plans ... and sometimes we don't get to pick up the pieces till later. maybe a few hours later; maybe a few weeks later; maybe a few years later; maybe many years later, and maybe never.  

and i have a choice about what to do with the pieces.

i can leave them - sometimes that's the best - sometimes there is nothing to be gained by picking up the pieces.  i can let the pieces lie, work their way into the ground, be tumbled in river or sea, let those pieces get lost and forgotten.

i can pick them up quickly, grind the jagged edges into my flesh and relive the pain, shred palms, draw blood.  

some pieces, i pick up gingerly, carefully, turn them gently on my hands, and learn what i can. own what shapes me, forgive, give grace, accept grace, arrange the pieces.

sometimes, when i pick up a piece, the edges are worn and smooth. time and love, grace and mercy have done their work.

sometimes, things shatter.  sometimes, i slowly pick up pieces, jagged bits and smooth, and work at arranging them into something beautiful.

i keep learning how to lay out the shards and make a mosaic of it all. how to keep my palms from getting cut on the glimmering pieces of today and tomorrow and yesterday, of here and there and where, of tears and joy and pain, of do and give and receive, of work and rest, of laughter and peace, of strength and weakness and grace.

if you have pieces to pick up today, may you be gentle on yourself and may you have an unfathomable reserve of mercy and grace for others.

 

shot and killed

Number of Mass Shootings in the US, 1982 through March 2021

 

Boulder Colorado yesterday, Atlanta, Georgia five days ago. 18 people who had their lives violently taken from them. 18 families who had a loved one torn from them. Two men who decided that they were going to shoot to kill, shoot to end the lives of human beings.

 

"We can't tolerate this anymore. These tragedies must end. And to end them, we must change. We will be told that the causes of such violence are complex, and that is true. No single law — no set of laws can eliminate evil from the world, or prevent every senseless act of violence in our society. But that can't be an excuse for inaction. Surely, we can do better than this."

 

This comment was made in 2012,  by then President Obama, after the shooting at Sandy Hook Elementary.

 

And yet, look at the graph - mass shootings continue to happen. In the past four years: in 2017, in 2 of the 11 mass shootings - 58 people were shot and killed at a music festival and 26 people were shot and killed at a church service. In 2018 of the 12 mass shootings - 17 people shot and killed in a high school. In 2019, in one of the 10 - 23 people were shot and killed in a WalMart.

 

In 2019, Congress enacted a nationwide ban on bump stocks, but failed to enact legislation that would require federal background checks for all firearms sales and transfers, including those online or at gun shows, and an expanded 10-day review for gun purchases. A rule restricting people deemed mentally unable to manage their affairs by the Social Security Administration to buy guns was also ended and was not renewed by Congress, allowing people who are mentally unable to manage their affairs to purchase guns. Because so many gun-shot murders are committed by partners and parents, some senators had pushed for a bipartisan proposal to create a federal grant program to encourage states to adopt “red flag” laws to take guns away from people believed to be a danger to themselves or others. These attempts also met resistance in 2019 and these programs were not created.  All of these measures were blocked by Republicans.

 

Here's a thought: if 5- and 6-year-olds can practice active-shooter drills in their schools, people who want to own guns should be able to practice some patience with background checks and waiting periods. 

 

Last Thursday, the day after 8 people (7 of whom were women) were murdered in a shooting spree that made international news, 172 House Republicans voted against renewing the Violence Against Women Act.  What in the world?!?  You can follow the link and read the section titles in the act.  I do not understand voting against this act.  Apparently, the representatives who voted against this act didn't like it that would prohibit dating partners who have been convicted of abuse or stalking from purchasing a firearm.  They also didn't like that the act protects victims of domestic abuse no matter what the victim's sexual orientation is.  So, they wouldn't vote for protections for women because they wouldn't vote to prohibit some men from purchasing guns and they wouldn't vote to protect all victims of domestic abuse.  

 

There is no single law or set of laws that can eliminate evil from the world, or prevent every senseless act of violence in our society. But that can't be an excuse for inaction.  There is a law that would be a step in the right direction.

 

We the people must hold our representatives accountable.  I know that I am going to send a message to my Montana representative - he voted against the act.  And, I will reach out to my senators, to let them know how I would like them to represent me with their votes on this measure.  This is one small action that I can take.  

 

Please think. 

Please care. 

Please use your voice. 

Please take action.

 

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The articles that I referenced as I wrote this piece:

 

Presidents and Mass Shootings

 

Outrage as 172 House Republicans Vote to Oppose the Violence Against Women Act

 

Senate Hurdles Remain

 

Trump's Claims

 

Unprecedented Number of Mass Shootings

 

 

 

fresh

fresh air
fresh kicks
fresh flowers
fresh fruit
a fresh perspective

and don't you be fresh with me, missy

but maybe,
maybe i should be
fresh
a little bit sassy
a little bit stand-my-ground
and stand-up-for-myself
and stand-up-for-you

and maybe i will stomp my foot
in my fresh kicks
maybe that will feel fresh
and refreshing
and be the fresh perspective
that i need to give myself
and that you need to see

i am not so easy-going
that i will go easy on you
when you assume that i will go along with
the box you put me in
and the tongue-in-cheek
bigotry and supremacy
that you want me to chuckle at and agree with
or at least turn a blind eye to

but not today
today is for freshness
for fresh fruit
fruit named love and joy and goodness and faithfulness
faithfulness that blossoms
fresh
faithfulness that stands in solidarity
with humans who look every way and come from every place

and faithful to call out humans who hate and abuse
who snicker and just-joke their curses
who wreathe their evil in religious robes
their decay so deep
there can only be rot and crumbling
returning to dust

but
there is power in light and fresh air
fierce love and true joy
in the fullness of time these break through
restore, refresh, make new

so seek until you find
fresh strength
fresh goodness
fresh beauty
fresh perspective
let love
the kind of love that drives out fear
blossom fresh in you

 

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fresh - the writing prompt in my class yesterday - initially i had the first two lines in mind - when i put fingers to keyboard, i wrote and wrote  - sometimes, i write to find out what i think.

just five things with michelle_gd

forty-one

yesterday was my forty-first birthday.

and when the alarm went off, i rolled over and sleepily said to ben, "let's just all stay home."  and he said, "do you want to?"  and i said,"yes. yes, i do." 

i peeled myself out of bed, put on a hoodie, and climbed the stairs. 

i opened maddie's door and said, "you can turn off your alarm and sleep as long as you want to." and tired joy filled her words, "thanks, mom."  i took a content deep breath and closed her door.

then i opened isaac's door and said the same. and he said, incredulus through his sleepy fog, "why?!" "because," i replied, "it's my birthday."  and as he rolled over, "thank you."  i smiled and my contentment settled deeper in my being. 

back downstairs, i emailed my boss and the kids' attendance line {it's my birthday. we are all staying home together today.}.  and i crawled in next to ben, back-to-back, in the warm cacoon of blankets and arms and legs.  i closed my eyes, pictured both of my tall, beautiful, muzzy kids, sleeping in their jumbles of pillows and covers, touched my husband, breathed in deeply, grounded, all four of us home together, and drifted back to sleep.

in the grey mid-morning, i drank coffee and read so many lovely messages and texts. i was showered with happy wishes. late in the slow morning, ben and i did a few chores - just because we could.  maddie and isaac slept until they woke up. we ate together. and we all went to walk by the yellowstone river and throw rocks and pick up big sticks and take selfies - we made the most of the very grey day.

there were birthday cards in the mail and birthday cards and balloons and birthday treats and flowers from my kids - gluten free peanut butter filled pretzels and chocolate.  and in the last few days, a new jacket and leggins from ben.  my friend ashley brought me a happy new plant pot, so i repotted four plants - because one new pot means that other plants need to be moved and talked to and encouraged aslo.  and then there was a little bit of rearranging of knick-knacks so the new plant would have a good home.

and later still, maddie and i chopped up all the things for fresh pico, and ben grilled the carne asada that he had been marinating since the day before, and isaac was working on a project so he was in and out of the garage.

and just as ben finished grilling the meat, brandon and jenna showed up with more flowers and some gifts from their trip.  and we ate all of the goodness of street tacos all together and talked and laughed.  and when we were all six as full as we wanted to be, we got out the pound cake and strawberries and coffee.  they sang happy birthday to me.  i know i was beaming.  and then i opened the package of gluten free oreos that brandon and jenna brought for me - and if you have anyone in your life who has to eat gluten free - buy these oreos for them!  they are really adn truly just like the real thing!  and then jenna said i should dip one in my coffee - and oh! my!  if you like coffee and you like oreoes, dip an oreo in your coffee.  and then thank jenna.  then ben decided that i should eat an oreo piled with strawberries - and well, that is pretty wonderful, too.  and we just kept laughing and enjoying.  

and finally, after hugs all around, and a bit of clean-up, after brandon and jenna headed out, as we were heading off to bed, i decided that this birthday had certainly been a wonderful one.  a very, very good day.  

 

hope

 

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for the next two weeks, i have joined michelle and a lovely group of women to focus on hope and to make daily lists with hope as our theme.  i am looking forward to the prompts that michelle has crafted to invite our minds and hearts to hope.  

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also - the poem here is by lori hetten - you can see lots more of her beautiful words on instagram on facebook and in her etsy store 

cancel culture

cancel culture

currently a buzz-word.  a trendy comment.

 * a certain loud individual is not being allowed to use certain social media platforms.

{gasp} cancel culture

nothing in the constitution prohibits a private company from enforcing its own policies; if anything, the First Amendment protects a company’s right to do so. social media platforms are owned by private companies. their owners/CEOs/boards get to decide who is allowed to use their platforms. 

* an estate decided to look at some of the books they own and not publish some of those any longer.

{gasp} cancel culture

they own the books. they may decide not to publish what they own if they wish.  also, nobody has "cancelled" Dr. Seuss. over the last few years, people have brought to our attention the part that Seuss played in anti-Japanese sentiments in this country during WWII, and other negative stereotypes that he advanced in his children's books and political cartoons. i don't believe that we should just tell kids that he was the greatest children's book author; there are so many authors who could be celebrated - many who didn't write horrible stereotypes into their cartoons and stories. this doesn't mean we can't still enjoy the Grinch and other Seuss stories - but Seuss certainly doesn't need to be on a pedestal for the entire month of march. 

 * no more Mr. tagged to Potato Head.

{gasp} cancel culture

we all know we could make those potatoes be any Mr./Mrs./mashup we wanted to before. who didn't put the big eyelashes with the mustache and the made-up lips with the bushy eyebrows at one time or another when they were a kid? Potato Head is certainly a sufficient name.  

 * a statue is being taken down.

{gasp} cancel culture

there is a marked difference between saying we won't celebrate and honor those who perpetuated sins against those who are also Americans and actually erasing history. there is also great value in looking at intent - many monuments, statues, etc, were only erected to intimidate during times where progress and growth were becoming a possible reality. i will absolutely NOT celebrate those who participated in enslaving or massacring entire groups of people. this is not the same thing as erasing any part of history - all of this will still be taught in schools and will still be in books and museums and in print and in online articles and archives. but, i think that we all know that some people do not deserve a statue. i recommend you read this article to understand the way the removal of a Columbus statue from the MN State Capitol grounds was handled.  

 

i think that if we truly want to understand cancel culture, we need to meet a Native American neighbor, sit with them, shut our mouths, and listen to how their parents and grandparents were forbidden to speak their own language, forbidden to follow their religion (until 1978. one year before my husband was born. 1978, people. here. in the land of freedom of religion.). listen to how they were forced to remove their clothing; how they were shorn of their hair. listen to how somehow, when horrible things happen to Native American people, there is conveniently no one with the correct jurisdiction to take care of them, to bring justice to an unjust situation. listen. then we might begin to understand cancel culture.

meet a Black neighbor and listen to them tell us how they cannot trace their ancestry, because their ancestors were torn from their homeland, they were raped, they were killed, they were treated as one-fifth of a human being - as if that were better than being treated worse than an animal. listen to how often their neighbors and friends and children are suspended from school or locked up for crimes they didn't commit or sentenced many times more harshly than someone who is not Black. listen to how they are told to wear their hair. listen to which neighborhoods and circles they are welcome in and which they are excluded from. listen to someone try to talk black, but then turn on grammar police mode when a black person speaks in public or writes in a public forum. listen. then we might begin to understand cancel culture.  

meet a Japanese-American neighbor and listen to how their parent or grandparent was forced to give up home and property and all their goods and be moved into an internment camp - here. in this country. sixty years ago. in this land of the free. and listen to how the anti-Japanese sentiment persisted long after the camps were closed. listen. then we might begin to understand cancel culture.

these are just a few examples of cultures that have truly been cancelled here in the United States. land of the {some are} free. home of the {many are more} brave {than anyone should ever have to be}.  

before we (white people of European descent, many of us professing Christians) cry cancel culture, let's look at the words we are using and the situations we are talking about. sit with the words cancel culture. and think about what it would truly mean to have your culture cancelled. because ours hasn't been. and it's not in danger of being. 

as for me, i want to amplify the cultures that have for so long been cancelled.  there is so. very. much. we can learn.

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sources for this besides my own thoughts: conversations on facebook yesterday, particularly with jeannine and annemarie and kelly, and also this article

photos: the tree skeletons are my own, the layered artwork was done by this friend - who at some point shared Acts 17:26 - God has made of one blood all the peoples of the earth - and these beautiful words continue to inform the way i see my relation to people - we are all of one blood, all made by one Creator.  

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a song for an evening

just beyond the doorway
    he lies on the couch, she puts the last dish in the cupboard
just beyond the fence
    he returns the rake, she pulls a weed
just inside the garage
    he hands her a wrench, she turns the bolt
just through the window
    he whistles a tune, she plucks the strings
just behind the porch railing
    he inhales sweet smoke, she sips smooth wine
just up the stairs
    he pulls back the sheet, she settles the pillows
just beyond the doorway
    moon climbs high, stars align

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words and photo both by me in june 2020

 

some things i have been reading

i have been reading a lot more this year.  ever since ben and i got the new bookshelves and i unpacked more books and ordered some new ones and found a few at the thrift store . . . i have been reading and reading.  

and i wanted to share some of the things i've been reading with you.

i found The Guardians at the thrift store - and hadn't read a John Grisham novel in years.  this one about a lawyer who takes wrongful death row cases and works to get his clients pardoned didn't disappoint, and i read it in just a few evenings.  

i also found The Hangman's Beautiful Daughter at the thrift store.  this ballad by Sharyn McCrumb was haunting and dark and tells the interwoven tale of many who live in the shadow of the rock named the hangman.  as a murder mystery unfolded, the relationships of those who refuse to give up on one another and the hope that there would be an answer and some redemption kept me reading. 

Everything Sad is Untrue and Elatsoe are both middle-grade novels (which i read just in time to recomend them to you for #middlegrademarch )  

Everythig Sad is Untrue is a true story, written by Khosrou Nayeri.  he and his mom and sister are Iranian, refugees who fled through Italy and Dubai to the United States. he arrived in Oklahoma when he was eight years old, and this book is the story of how Khosrou - who came to be known as David, becuase everyone here could pronounce David - this book is his story of how he told stories like Scheharazade, stories to save his own life, stories to make sense of a world where too many sad things happen, stories to make the sad things untrue.  there must be a better story than the story of his granmother dying and his mother leaving his father and his stepfather beating his mother and the toilets in Oklahoma being so very different than in Iran and the kids at school bullying him for being Persian.  Khosrou tells us, If you listen, I'll tell you a story.  We can know and be known to each other, and then we're not enemies anymore.  listen to his story.  i don't know which parts are true, nobody does.  But what you believe about the future will change how you live in the present.  We must understand the cost of joy. 

Elatsoe is a fantasy written Darcie Little Badger.  she is an enrolled member of Lipan Apache tribe.  each chapter begins with a beautiful illustration by Rovina Cai.  and in this novel, Darcie brings together Apache traditions, time travel, vampires, fossils, best friends, bike rides, and the strong bond between Ellie, her mother, and Ellie's great grandmothers - back to her Six-Great.  Ellie was named Elatsoe after her Six-Great, and she shares some of Six-Great's powers. Darcie crafts a story in which Ellie's cousin has been murdered and it is going to take her gift and all her love to solve the case and keep her family safe.  

if you love middle grade books, i recommend them both.  both are lilting and syncopated and fantastically beautiful.  neither are quite what i expected, and i loved them both even more for that.

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what have you been reading lately?