bits of sunshine

i will leave a light on

 

sometimes the ugly in the world threatens to overwhelm. 
don't let your light go out, friends. 

but if you feel your light fading,
if you feel worthless or inadequate
or like you have failed and failed and failed,
i will leave a light on for you. 

tell me if you are feeling like you will never be
good enough, accomplished enough, wanted, worthy. 
tell me. 

don't disappear.

i will leave a light on. 
and i will tell you how very worth it you are. 
and i will tell you at least on thing you are really good at .
and i will love you fiercely and unconditionally.

and we will not let the ugly in this world win. 
we will bear witness to the healing and the good. 
we will keep the lights on.

i will leave a light on.

 

 

just five things {from sunday}

what are the chances 

.:. of finding the pen i wanted in the drawer at dispatch?

.:. of Maddie reaching behind the pile of shirts and coming up with the one she wanted?

.:. of Ben still being in town and having one more errand that gave me time to shower so i could ride to jordan with him?

.:. that Meghan's sweathshirt is hanging in the bay and fits perfectly as a second layer?

.:. that i get a few more shifts in dispatch? (more gifts to give <3 ) 

 

 

reading in the sunshine

on sunday it was sunny - very little smoke in the air for the first time in many days.

so i sat outside and in the cool of the morning and read in my Bible - in Genesis and Psalms - in Genesis 16 we meet Hagar, the stranger who God finds, who is seen by God and who sees God, and Psalm 116 could be Hagar's song

and read some poetry - The Moon Says Hello - by Lori Hetteen

later, i headed out into the backyard into the warmth and sunshine.  for three hours i soaked summer into my skin.

and i finished Be Free or Die, the Robert Smalls story - the writing isn't amazing, but Robert Smalls was an amazing person.  and there are so many pieces of history that are important in this book 

then i started and finished counting by 7s by Holly Goldberg Sloan - this book is wonderful young adult literature

the very best lines: her arms are around me. tight. because the woman is so strong, you'd think her hug would choke me.  but instead, it's the first time i can get a full breath into my lungs since i heard what happened.  

and i was undone and crying.  this.  this is exactly how i feel when ben hugs me.  and this was exactly how i felt one september night after the longest eight months in my whole life.  his arms around me.  tight.  because he is so strong, you'd think his hug would choke me.  but instead, it's the first time in eight months that i can get a full breath into my lungs.  

and now, monday, and it is raining.  i have plans to do some cleaning and organizing and staying busy.  i’ll read a psalm and maybe start another book, and try not to count hours ... 53 until i get one of those hugs ... 

from tuesday night

they are moving cattle at the sale barn in the cool of the night

the sound wafts to me as i sit outside the back door at dispatch 
breathing the coolness,
listening to bawling cattle
the clank of the trucks
the call and whistling and occasional shouts of the men

killdeers cheeing
here in the parking lot,
there by the road
there is certainly more than one
and i know they are running hither and yon
by the sound of their trilling calls

two bright planets are there in the southern sky 
the moon is full, high in the southeastern sky
shining through the still, cool air

a train whistle pierces the darkness,
and the rumble of heavy train on metal track
adds a bass line to the night-time symphony

these are my questions

how is the sky new every moment?  

will i always feel awe and wonder at the sky itself, and also all of the things that fly in it - birds and helicopters and airplanes and dragonflies?

what actually is wrong with maddie's knee?  the MRI showed all clear - but it is obviously hurt - bruised, swelling, causing pain.  will the exercises bring healing?  

how in the world has isaac grown almost six inches in as many months?

what does a mama heart do when it feels like just can't stretch any more or break to stretch again?

when will they ever consistently shut off lights and pick up wet towels?  will seventeen be the magic age?

seventeen.  maddie is going to be seventeen in six days.  some days that is a statement that i believe to be true.  other days it is a question - another one that stretches my heart. 
seventeen??? and fifteen and a half???  questions and statements.  belief and disbelief.  pride and joy. 

how is it the beginning of september?  but how is it only the beginning of september?  january was ten years ago, but june was just yesterday. what is time anyway?

how long is sixteen days?  will the rest of this stretch go quickly?  or drag and drag?  at least this time we are in the same time zone.  our days track together on my clock.  

is some of the smoke in the air here from the fire you are on there?  even if it's not, i'll breathe deep when i step outside and imagine that what fills my lungs came to me from where you are.  

how many lifetimes have we actually lived apart?  and how many lifetimes do we squeeze into the days that we are together?

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some of these questions have answers, and some of these questions are to be treasured and pondered in my heart. 

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first day of school! first day of school!

Isaac :: first day of sophomore year :: 15.5 years old ::

Maddie :: first day of junior year :: almost 17 years old ::

And just for comparison :: first day of school picture from last year ::

to be very cliche :: oh the difference a year makes ::

but really!  really, really!  

 

 

summertime

blossoms (on our trees and in my food)

flowers (in pots by our front door and in the gardens in front of our house)

painting (almost done with the whole exterior of the house) 

fishing (isaac, and isaac with ben, and me reading and taking pictures while the guys fish)

july 4 (one of the very best days ever)

bike rides (any day that i can fit what i need for work in a backpack)

sunshine (many, many days of clear sky and hot, dry days)

fires (on the district, for ben to work, for me to dispatch)

brilliant bouquets (equal sheer happiness)

driving (any of the four of us, sometimes together, sometimes just one of us. also, maddie and isaac drove seven hours to spend some days with my mom and dad. and i have driven to jordan many times to spend some hours with ben)  

laughter (sometimes at each other, always with each other)

videos (the 25 for 25 challenge - stretching this out over many, many days . . . and also beginning to talk through the verses that i have underlined in my bible to share with my kids and some friends)

volleyball (maddie played in a volleyball tournament - probably her last - though i didn't know it that day)

football (isaac went to almost every practice and lift session in preparation for season)

swimming and paddleboarding (as often as we could out at spotted eagle)

and, for posterity, masks (because COVID)

 

 

 

sometimes mondays

sometimes mondays look like all of the coffee and converse tennis shoes and a bag full of to-dos and claiming five minutes to write five things

what if all words are sacred

yesterday morning, i was thinking about words

what if all my words are a prayer
either a blessing or a curse
what if all words are sacred 

will i invite blessing?
will i dole out a curse?

what if all my words are a prayer
what if all words are sacred

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bless (verb): to bestow good of any kind upon someone; to ask God to look favorably on

curse (verb): to wish or invoke evil, calamity, injury, or destruction upon someone

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what if everything i write and share on social media is sacred?
either a blessing or a curse?
will i offer love and truth?
do i like the altar i have created?
am i proud of the witness i bear? 

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ephesians 4:25-32 and also 5:8-9 and also philippians 4:4-9 are some of the best gauges for what to post on the interwebs - rejoicing, being reasonable, not being anxious, being thankful, caring for hearts and minds, focusing on the honorable, true, lovely, praiseworthy, excellent, and peaceful.  writing and sharing words that are full of grace and truth, not words that are bitter or slanderous or full of wrath and malice.  being kind to one another, tenderhearted, and forgiving.  channeling anger to be productive.  and walking in the light - for the fruit of the light is found in all that is good and right and true.  

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every word is sacred

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wildfire

today, ben told me there was a fire just south of town.  i walked outside to smoke in the air

and i texted ben, "it smells like the world is on fire"

he texted back, "it kind of is"

"how many acres are burning?" i asked

"200, 500, 80, and 20 going on now"

i got in the truck, and headed toward the fire closest to town  

the thermometer for the outside temp on the truck read 104 F

and this is what i found, 12 miles south of town

 

i was quite a ways from the fire - but close enough to sometimes see flames, to smell the smoke, to see the helicopters dipping from the river and dropping water on the fire, to see the LAT drop retardant, to see the SEATs making passes, to see engines and buggies headed in.  

this fire was caught at 2500 acres today, even with pretty high winds and the very hot, dry air.

and i will continue to be amazed by fire and the people who fight it . . . i wish you could have been standing on the pavement by me when the helicopter flew right over my head to land and refuel, standing on the  pavement in the hot, dry wind, smelling the smoke, watching as probably a hundred people worked to catch this fire.  it is an amazing thing to be close to.