bits of sunshine

J5T :: friday :: december 8 :: soft

hello all, from a grey montana morning
the morning has softened . . . i woke to sleet - not soft at all.
but that has subsided,
and now it is just grey - softly grey

soft:

1. i am the soft to ben's hard : our home is the soft to his job
   (we talk about this a lot when he is out on a fire assignment, going fourteen or twenty-one days without a hug, without a chair to sit in, without a bed, without a table to eat at, without a shower, without a reprieve . . . sleeping in a tent - either on a cot or on the ground, eating off the tailgate of his truck, sitting on the ground or the tailgate or in his truck, using all the travel wipes and tricks for staying clean, danger always imminent, life-or-death decisions to be made daily or hourly or moment-by-moment, missing the softness of me and home.)

2. our bed - just the right mattress, just the right pillows and bedding, a soft landing when the world is hard

3. i love soft fabrics - it all needs to feel right on my skin

4. the way i feel when i sink into ben's arms

5. the soft light just before sunrise and the soft light of twilight

i love what michelle wrote, in her prompt to us, about softness equaling a willingness. a willingness to move past hard edges and rules and expectations of ourselves and others, willing to shift and shape and embrace blessings and and wonder and jollity (what a perfectly lovely and fun word!). the hardness, the grind, the gritty, the challenges will be there, but we can meet them with strength and softness.

with grace, i think.

i think that grace is strong and soft.

and in writing this, i am remembering a quote another friend posted some days ago

- accept grit. make pearls. lose them. -

and isn't that grace?
isn't that strength and softness?

we accept the grit - because it will come.
we make something beautiful from the grit - we do the work of softening the edges.
and then we let that softness, that beauty, out into the world for others.

 

so, dear ones, go gently (but sometimes, go stomping and roaring), love fiercely, and be wonderful.

 

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joining michelle and company, taking a holiday pause, making lists 

 

 

J5T :: thursday :: december 7 :: calm

for many years now, i have been joining michelle gd for some of her just five things offerings. for a week or two, michelle offers prompts, some thoughts, sometimes an essay or a poem or a quote, as a jumping-off point for some journaling. she also hosts a classroom space where those who are participating can share the lists they write and have a conversation around the prompt . . . it is really a wonderful thought exercise, and a welcome place to connect over thoughts and ideas that invite empathy, joy, perspective, reflection . . .

i used to struggle to get to five things with michelle's lists. often, three or four felt right to me.
now, i love the five.
but today, i made a list of six and one of seven . . . hmmmm . . .

upon first seeing the word calm this morning,
i wrote this first list:

1. the way i feel these mornings when i take an extra hour before i go in to work
2. doing house chores at my own pace . . . the sound of the washing machine, the satisfaction of clean surfaces, the welcome of plumped pillows and freshly made beds . . .
3. walking --- by the river or up in the wooded buttes or through the woods or over the prairie
4. being on - or in - the water
5. brushing sage through my fingers. pressing my nose to the bark of a ponderosa. holding a rock - this one, then that one - finding the one that fits my hand.
6. lighting incense or palo santo or a candle

then i read michelle's note . . . and jotted some of it in my journal . . . and then wrote

presence (as the starting point, and stemming from what presence feels like to me . . .
peace
calm
mindful attention
intention
spaciousness
abundance

thank you, michelle, for your invitation into calm.

and thank you to everyone who has shared their lists. i love the thought exercise and the connection of sitting with you in your thoughts, too.

 

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joining michelle and company, taking a holiday pause, making lists 

 

 

J5T :: wednesday :: december 6 :: jolly

jolly

1. jolly feels big and bright and warm and all-encompassing
2. draft horses decked in sleigh bells, pulling a capacious sleigh through the twilight, past trees decked in lanternlight, under the overarching sky studded with starlight
3. a grand entryway, draped in elegant evergreen garland, light shining through leaded glass windows, door open - pouring forth welcome and warmth, inviting all to bustle inside, rosy-cheeked and merry
4. there is so much snow, mounds and piles, shoveled away, marking driveway and walkway and sleigh trail
5. and in the grand hall, a fire crackling in the immense fireplace, throwing light; inviting oversized velvet chairs and sofas; tables set with glittering dishes overflowing with decadent treats; music played on a grand piano and a variety of light and deep-voiced strings; laughter and song and joy-filled conversation - no quiet corners; ice and sparkling liquid ring gently in cut glassware; light and joy glint and touch everything and everyone; all is lush and rich, no hard corners or crinkly fabrics; the merry guests are wearing soft velvet and satin, rich, vibrant color draped beautifully on each and every body; jewels flashing on fingers and at necklines, gracing earlobes, sparkling at wrists; dear friends and cheerful acquaintances shoulder to shoulder, dancing, eye catching eye, all warm, all welcoming, all vivacious with celebration.

and here is my jolly imagination - let's meet up there, shall we?

 

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joining michelle and company, taking a holiday pause, making lists 

 

 

J5T :: tuesday :: december 5 :: winter

winter in five lists

1. cold, crisp air
2. the way the sun feels warm on a ten degree day
3. parka selfies
4. snow - falling softly, or in a fury of flurries clean and white
5. the muffled blue night

 

1. flying down a hill on a sled or saucer
2. tromping or swishing through the snow
3. icy cold cheeks that crinkle and pull when i smile
4. laughing, merry and joy-filled
5. hushed, in awe and joy-filled

 

1. a clean sheet of ice
2. skates tied tightly
3. pushing and gliding, almost flying
4. or watching young men, geared up, sticks in hand, athletic prowess in motion
5. the sound of blade on ice, stick on puck, shoulder on shoulder, snap and release, gooooooooalllll!

 

1. snow days
2. snow forts
3. board games
4. cookies + cocoa
5. blankets + movies

 

1. wood chores
2. splinters
3. a crackling fire
4. candlelight
5. night stretching longer and long

 

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interesting to live in the northern part of the northern hemisphere. and to move in circles where the “winter experience” is what is familiar. to not have to think about the half of the world - or more - where snow and cold and evergreens and all of the scandinavian and western european traditions are completely unrealistic, unnecessary, and largely unimaginable. interesting to think about the half - or more - of the world, where the sun shines, the temperatures don’t fall, nobody needs boots or an insulated jacket, and snowmen and reindeer are a strange fantasy. 

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joining michelle and company, taking a holiday pause, making lists 

J5T :: monday :: december 4 :: present

present

right now, here, in my office

1. sunlight through my window (so many days of sunlight! i am so grateful for this)
2. the hum and hiss of the heater (not as loud as sometimes, but not just background noise)
3. black coffee (the warmth and slight bitterness)
4. worrying at my fingernail (because there is some tension living in my body)
5. thirteen days (and this is a funny one to end with . . . present . . . but counting days until we are with isaac . . . and the days until we can be b+e+m+i all together in one space . . . so does that make me not-present? . . . but i am presently feeling this countdown deeply; it permeates every moment)

 

and my other list is for presents that i will be gifting . . . but i can't list that out here . . . shhh . . . must keep them secret 

 

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joining michelle and company, taking a holiday pause, making lists 

 

 

J5T :: friday :: december 1 :: tradition

tradition was a different sort of thought for me to sit with

we (b+e+m+i) don't really have any traditions that have lasted . . .
the only one that has held for all the years i have been married to ben -
we have made each other homemade valentines every year for 22 years
otherwise, everything else has had seasons -
based on where we live,
ben's and my work schedules,
and the kids' schedules,
based on how much money we had to spend,
or how creative we have had to be . . .
so . . .
i have a variety of holiday and birthday memories . . .
that come with layers of peace and melancholy,
immense difficulty and determined, gritty happiness . . .

the only thread of tradition is finding joy together

tradition (for christmas)
1. we always have a tree (but we never put it up on the same date - and we have had a   v a r i e t y  of kinds)
2. always there is christmas music
3. we always have presents (though number, size, and day and time of opening are never the same)
4. there is always at least one nativity scene gracing our living space
5. i always find something (and often lots of somethings) seasonal to read
6. i send a christmas letter and picture every year (except the year i sent a new-year card . . . )

 

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joining michelle and company, taking a holiday pause, making lists 

maddie and i made the little trees in december of 2013 . . . they have made an appearance off-and-on through the years . . . and here they are on their ten-year anniversary . . . hanging in my office, making merry and bright

J5T :: thursday :: november 30 :: haven

haven

the first six things that came to mind when i sat with the word haven this morning.

1. (since 2001) ben
2. (my whole life) in a warm car - driving through the dark - good music playing - voices rumbling, or not - with someone or someones or just me
3. (also my whole life) firelight, candlelight, sparkling glassware, softness, ease (no matter what may surround - safe and at peace within)
4. (january 2008) the basement at three-two-two east cedar, mattresses on the floor made with cozy bedding, all four of us snuggled in to the warmth and hum of the furnace and the sounds of each other, all close and warm and at peace
5. (~1988 - 1998) the guest bedroom at grandma eva and grandpa richard's (once the hat lady was put away in the closet) with a stack of books and the bedside lamp shining brightly
6. (~1985 - 1998) the living room at grandma violet's, after midnight, moonlight through the picture window, a train passing, the sound of the whistle and wheels on rails, the creak of grandma's plush rocker as i sat to watch the train

 

my brain and my heart wanted time stamps seemed for this list

also, warm and cozy, tucked away in the darkness and soft light is my theme for a haven 

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joining michelle and company, taking a holiday pause, making lists 

and the photo is the one she shared with her prompt for today *

J5T :: wednesday :: november 29 :: blessings

blessings.
the words come when we need them.
when we are ready for them.
i don’t often say i’m so blessed.
i never use #blessed. that feels too flippant to me.
but lately,
there is no way, no other way,
to describe the relationships that Ben, Maddie, Isaac, and I have with each other
than as true blessings. 

 

thinking about blessings and gratitude - maybe gratitude is a sister to blessing.
michelle says, "there's something of wonder
tucked into blessings
in a way i don't feel
when i think of what i'm grateful for.
they're not separate, gratitude and blessings."
and michelleS commented,
"blessing seems more reverent and bestowed upon you.
gratitude seems to be acknowledging what you already have."

 

gratitude, to me,

is not as deep 

as a blessing

i can be grateful for a cup of coffee, for sunlight, for laughter, for rest

 

a blessing, to me,

is deep, abiding

sometimes hard-fought

freely given, but never lightly given

 

 

 

i know, that right now, here, today
i am incredibly, abundantly blessed
as a wife,
as a mom,
as a chosen friend/mom/sister/grandma
i have relationships with people
that are deep, abiding,
sometimes hard-fought,
freely given, but not lightly given
true and real gifts

 

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listening to In the Lifetime by DSADS (the perfect soundtrack to these thoughts)

joining michelle and company, taking a holiday pause, making lists 

and the photo is the one she shared with her prompt for today *

J5T :: tuesday :: november 28 :: twinkle

here is my list this am - five things *twinkle*

1. tiny, enormous stars and galaxies
2. frost in sunlight
3. a touch of glittery eye makeup and a brush of bronzer
4. my eyes, when i look up and see my people
5. sunlight on water

a song for you: Twinkling Lights (Reimagined) by Auni

 

and the musing poem i wrote:

 

twinkle, twinkle little star
how i wonder what you are

and yet, now i know,
you are not little at all
you are massive
an enormous collection of gasses and matter
burning bright
an inferno
far, far away
blazing
into our world, into our sight
from time far past
marking time and season
a sign
a story of wonder
of terror
of beauty
your bright glory
fierce light
shining
introduced
as a gentle twinkle

 

 

and one more:

frost on branch, on twig, on grass
sunlight catches each crystal
breeze sends a shining dusting
spinning
twinkling
through the bright, magical morning

 

 

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joining michelle and company, taking a holiday pause, making lists 

and the photo is the one she shared with her prompt for today *

J5T :: monday :: november 27 :: wonder

five things * wonder *

1. sunlight and a soft morning sky
2. waking up by ben
3. our gas fireplace - cozy and bright
4. the home ben and i have
5. the relationships that b+e+m+i all have together

 

wonder is found
inside a pause

take a step back
to take it in
to truly see

take a breath
and a long look 

then

step in
immerse
soak up the beauty
the wonder
the joy

 

***

and Luke 2:19 is on my mind

 

mary kept and
treasured all these things
and continued to hold them close.
they dwelled in her
as she laid them
together with wonder
in her heart.

 

***

this is very fitting for the season i am in. 

holding close, letting go, pondering, treasuring, wondering, loving my people. 

***

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joining michelle and company, taking a holiday pause, making lists 

and the photo is the one she shared with her prompt for today *