bits of sunshine

february practice :: four

good morning from my tiny office

sun shining in the window, coffee in my cup, cozy crew neck and my school spirit shoes making for comfortable working attire, music softly playing, taking a few minutes to just write

i think that i want to have a record of these days - and that is what my blog has been so often. a window into my days, a window into my thoughts, a window into what matters to me in the moment {and a place to return, to see how far i've come}

i got through ordering the pictures the other night. and i have them all sorted - isaac helped me. i started laying out the collage for the board last night. he'll help me make final decisions this evening and we'll put it together - and have it ready to display at dinner on thursday night - and then at the game on friday night. 

this is proving to be an exercise - this practice that i am working at - this writing. this morning i am feeling my adhd - i started organizing my desktop, then realized that i wanted to write this, then wanted to get music going, then texted maddie, then wrote on my to-do list, then printed something that i should go get off the printer, and am back and forth to writing this . . . 

the sun is dancing through the leaves that didn't all off the poplar tree that lives outside my window - making some pretty great shadows on my wall, and feeling warm on my shoulders. i think that i will shut off the fluorescent lights and get back to work.

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stuff i like that you might like, too

watching anxious people on netflix - i really enjoyed the book by fredrik backman, and i really like the show - i am watching it in english, but may rewatch in swedish . . . just because i would like to listen to the language it was originally written in

reading about the history of paisley was pretty fascinating

listening to won’t you be my neighbor  by joy ike and company made me smile

learning that the statue of liberty is number 49 on the list of tallest statues in the world and that the tallest are all in asia - see this article for some of the tallest the fifteen tallest statues in the world 

february practice :: three (on the sixth)

right now i am

:: sitting at my kitchen table {and my feet are sort of falling asleep}

:: writing this blog post {earlier i wrote emails and meeting plans. also, i wrote a few lines in my journal}

:: hoping for a few things to go smoothly this month

:: reading all kinds of news {and then thinking long and processing much} and also reading Ceremony by Leslie Marmon Silko

:: sharing instagram accounts by black creatives and authors in my stories all month - accounts i learn from and find beautiful 

:: eating sweet potatoes. so many sweet potatoes. and eating with gratitude and intention

:: drinking coffee {always and ever} 

:: playing catch up. too often. 

:: collecting . . . actually, i have been working at keeping less, collecting less . . . except books. i am always collecting books

:: listening tp such a mix C.R.E.A.M. BB King vs Wu Tang Clan and Honey Hold Me  and New Bold Ruler's Joy and now i just found this playlist and it is what i will be listening to at work tomorrow

:: praying for my kids and my husband and my people while i'm on the treadmill {other times, too, but always when i'm walking}

:: marveling at maddie's artistry {check her work out on instagram @madealineeink}

:: laughing so hard last night when isaac vehemently said, "people who eat cold blueberry bagles with cream cheese are psychopaths" 

:: studying passages where women are and aren't in the Bible . . . Womanist Midrash: A Reintroduction to the Women of the Torah and the Throne by Wilda C. Gafney and so much of Alice Linsley's work have been so amazing and eye-opening

:: feeling very edgy about this month

:: preparing for the ends of things - but every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end

and you, my friends, what's your right now looking like?

a february practice :: two

it is evening. 

i am home alone just now.

there are remnants of the supper i cooked on the stove and dishes on the counters.

{i like it best when ben and i cook together - he mostly does the cooking, i am his sous chef and clean-up brigade - and it all gets done at once and we enjoy a meal together. right now, that is not the way things are alingend. i miss that way of being. we'll get back to it, sometime.}

{maddie came over and chopped and cooked with me last night and we ate together. that was really, really nice. we also did her taxes - and she is pretty stoked about the return she will be getting. sort of a forced savings account - and that worked in her favor this year.} 

i am brewing a single-serve cup of coffee to have with gluten free oreos. i will eat more than one cookie.

my plan for the evening is to send a slew of pictures to the printer, so i can pick them up in the next day or two and put together a board for isaac's senior hockey night. 

in between loading pictures, i will do the kitchen clean-up.

i don't like thinking about this senior night. hockey has been so good for isaac - i don't want to think about high school hockey coming to an end for him. but i also want to make it as really, really nice for him as i can. so, i need to think about it. 

so, i have started the download, upload process . . . and then there will be a bit of editing . . . well, cropping anyway . . . but, this is going to take patience . . . and i just feel jittery.

which is why i am going to multi-task . . . and step away from my laptop to do some dishes. 

i did plug my laptop in, so i won't run the battery down and have the whole thing suddenly go blank on me. so there's that. 

alright - this is what i've got tonight. maybe tomorrow i'll have a happy report about sending the pictures off to the printer. 

i'll end with my long-standing wish for all of us:

go gently, love fiercely, and be wonderful. 

 

a february practice :: one

hello. 

today - first day of february. 

i really want to write through this month. 

this morning, i ate oatmeal with blueberries and drank coffee, of course. 

i erased january from the dry-erase calendar in my kitchen at home and wrote in "February" and numbered the days. i wrote just a few of the events of the month on the calendar, and will write more in this evening.

once at work, i hung up a february calendar on my door and arranged a few happy bits around it. 

i feel some apprehension about this month. there are things to look forward to, but most of what will be wonderful in the moment will also be endings to some of the happiest parts of the last few years for isaac - and for all of us. high school hockey will come to an end with the state tournament the last weekend of this month. 

by the end of this month, i will be one year away from the functional neurological event i lived through last february twenty-second. that feels like quite a milestone. 

this morning, my friend michelle shared a line from a book she is reading - “the beauty of the word sometimes, how sometimes evens us out, keeps us in the comfortable middle rather than dangling on one end of the spectrum or the other, hanging on for dear life.  It helps us escape from the tyranny of black-or-white thinking.” this resonated with me quickly as i read it. i will try to come back to unpacking this a bit sometime this month.

for now, i have work to do - a very full list of to-dos and meetings today and thursday and friday. but i will try to write every day this month. cheers to goal. cheers to hopes. cheers to february.

december day twenty

Hanukkah - Festival of Lights

in Jewish tradition, a day begins at sundown - so Hanukkah began at sundown on the eighteenth day of December this year

and a blessing - as the light is kindled, eight candles for eight nights

Hebrew:
.ברוך אתה יי, אלוהינו מלך העולם, שהחיינו, וקיימנו, והגענו לזמן הזה

Transliteration:
Baruch atah Adonai, Elohenu Melech ha’olam, shehecheyanu, v’kiyimanu, v’higiyanu la’zman hazeh.

Translation:
Praised are You, Our God, Ruler of the universe, Who has given us life and sustained us and enabled us to reach this season.

Hanukkah is the celebration of Jewish liberation from the Greeks, and more so, the celebration of consecrated light brought back to the temple - the tiny bit of undefiled oil that kept a light burning in the temple for eight days until more consecrated oil could be found for the temple. 

I have known that the tradition is to light a menorah - with eight candles - over the course of eight nights. I always assumed that the tradition was to start with one candle, then light two the next night, then three, and so on . . . but, today, I was introduced to the knowledge that there are two schools of thought . . . those who follow the way of the House of Hillel light in the order I just described, starting with just a little bit of light and adding to brightness each evening. Those who follow the way of the House of Shammai light all eight the first night, then seven, then six, and so on, bringing the maximum light on the first night, and diminishing as the nights of the miracle diminish. 

This article, Tomorrow Will Be Much Better, and this one, Hillel and Shammai, are both interesting (fairly short) fleshing out of some thoughts about both traditions. The ruling rabbis in the early years of the common era decided to follow the custom of the House of Hillel, and the Jewish mystics say that after the Messiah comes, the custom of the House of Shammai should be followed. There are also Jewish people who light their menorahs as the Shammai did in order to reframe their relationship to the rules of their religion and to usher in an era of liberation. 

Celebrations of light in the darkness, traditions that weave threads from generation to generation, and some of us re-framing, re-membering, re-building, re-working what traditions to let go and what traditions to claim. 

Praise be to God, Who remains steadfast and sure, no matter what traditions we observe.

december day thirteen

St. Lucia Day

Continuing the with the theme of light in the darkness with Lucia - bearer of light.

This 400-year-old custom brings peace and joy each year on December 13th – the custom began in Sweden and is celebrated around the world by families with Swedish heritage. And, although most of my heritage is Swedish (six of my eight great-grandparents came to the United States from Sweden as young adults), my family never celebrated St. Lucia Day. I first learned about this beautiful tradition when I read Kirsten's Surprise while tucked into bed under a cozy, heavy quilt at my Grandma Eva's house. There was such magic in how I imagined Kirsten bringing coffee and St. Lucia buns to her family, candles shining in her crown of greenery, in the darkness of the early morning. 

Lucia of Syracuse, is said to have been martyred for her faith in 304 AD, when she came to the attention of the Roman authorities. She brought food to Christians hiding in Roman catacombs, lighting her way through the darkness with a crown of candles. 

December 13 was the historic Julian calendar’s shortest day, and according to Swedish folklore, the long night was dangerous, with dark spirits out in force. Staying awake, keeping a light shining, and eating food all maintained connection to the mortal world. As some of the ancient Norse traditions were replaced or combined with Christian traditions, St. Lucia - the bearer of light - was the perfect saint to commemorate during the winter solstice observances, traditions, and ceremonies. 

The night treads heavily
around yards and dwellings
In places unreached by sun,
the shadows brood
Into our dark house she comes,
bearing lighted candles,
Saint Lucia, Saint Lucia.

In December, the northern hemisphere sees the shortest daylight hours, and people, all through time, have longed for the lengthening of daylight and have found ways to celebrate the light and shine the light through the darkness. This morning, I will light a candle, drink coffee, and eat some sweets - to celebrate St. Lucia Day - the festival meant to bring hope and light at this darkest time of the year. 

december day 8

light

the light of the full moon, starlight, candlelight, firelight, lamplight, sunlight

looking for the light
capturing the light
holding light
walking in the light
being light
a vessel of light
magnifying the light
the beauty of light
the power of light

light spreading across the sky, across a floor, across a face

a face shining
a smile radiating 

a ray, a spark, a sparkle, a gleam, a beam 

shining through, over, across, into

and also
maybe
one has to know darkness
before one can truly know light

the Light shines into the darkness
but the darkness does not comprehend this Light 

and yet,
darkness is what makes light so very necessary
so very beautiful

God is light
in Whom there is no darkness at all

and yet,
everything that is good has grown in the dark

the world was spoken into being
when darkness was upon the face of the deep

a seed must be placed in the darkness
to germinate and press against its shell
before tiny shoots begin to look for the light

a baby begins as love and two cells
in deep, warm darkness

God, who said, "let Us make humankind in Our image"
ordained the essence of Their whole being
to become the tiny cells of beginning
in the darkness of a young girl's womb

God would be born as an infant 
heralded on a dark night
by the shining host of heavenly beings
and a glorious star

God, who would be both in the darkness - of the womb, of birth, of the stable
and in the light bursting forth and radiating through the heavens
touching earth with blood and tears
touching earth with glorious good news

and i,
bearing witness to the light,
must also bear witness to the beauty that begins in darkness
and darkness that amplifies the light

december day seven

Pearl Harbor Day

sunshine streaming through my window
and also glinting off the beautiful fresh snow
out in the very cold air
warm, dark coffee in my cup
christmas music playing, peaceful and merry

and yet, today is the day that part of the world exploded into flames and shards of metal and waves that rocked and slammed into the shore

today is the day that demanded more of the world wake up to the destruction and darkness fighting for power and tyranny

today is the day when those who lost their lives were the catalyst for more lives to be saved

darkness tried yet again, but could not overcome the light

darkness amplified the light

and many looked for the light
fought for the light
held the light
magnified the light

so, today, we can remember

we can rejoice that some things have been made right

and we can yet hold space and wait and work for all to be made right

this season of advent means there is something on the horizon the likes of which we have never seen before 

some darkness, certainly
we live in this world

but also some light, certainly
we live in this world

what is possible is to not see it,
to miss it,
to turn just as it brushes past you

and then you begin to grasp what it was you missed,
like moses in the cleft of the rock,
watching God's back fade into the distance

so stay
sit
linger
tarry
ponder
wait
behold
wonder

there will be enough time for running
for rushing
for worrying
for pushing

for now,
stay
wait
something is on the horizon

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thoughts on Pearl Harbor Day inspired by a co-worker who shared the poem DID YOU KNOW ME THEN  by, John Vierra, Park Ranger, USS Arizona Memorial  

and some thoughts and words about Advent inspired by a piece by Jan L. Richardson

photos - black and white photos of Pearl Harbor - from google images // color photos are mine; first - the almost-full-moon, second - the Eastern Montana Fairgrounds which was the place where a Japanese Internment Camp was run during WWII, third - some of the stone pillars that are left standing, remnants of the internment camp

december day six

Sinterklaas - St Nicholas - Day
December Tradition

St. Nicholas was a bishop who was known for his good deeds, especially for the needy and children. He often gave generously and anonymously. Nicholas was officially recognized as a saint in the 800s. 

Many countries in Europe celebrate the Feast of Sinterklaas—also known as St. Nicholas—starting on the 5th of December, the eve of the day, by sharing candies, chocolate letters, small gifts, and riddles. 

In the Netherlands, a fellow dressed as Sinterklaas would arrive by ship on December 6 and ride a white horse (or a donkey) through the towns, handing out gifts. It was the Dutch pronunciation of his name—Sinterklaas—as well as Dutch traditions that made their way to America. These led the way to the name Santa Claus and the tradition of gift-giving.

My friend G introduced me to Sinterklaas Day many, many years ago - one of these years, I will be ahead of the game and send her chocolate and riddle in time for Sinterklaas Day. 

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photos - Main Street, Miles City, MT - from my snowy drive to work today 

 

december day three

this weekend was a whole lot of ice hockey

and some rest.
yesterday afternoon i took a three-hour nap.
the sun was streaming in our hotel room window.
i laid down,
pulled up a blanket,
got my pillow just right
and fell asleep. hard.
and rested well. 

and i found this thought yesterday:

stop demanding the same strength and productivity from yourself year-round.
as the nights become longer and colder,
grant your body the rest it's so often denied. 

slow. mend. 

let this sacred darkness carry you into dreaming. 

in the dark, choose rest

(instagram: @blackliturgies)

 

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p.s. change - renewal - a tiny goodbye that means something to me 

also - this weekend, i used my old, one-shoulder bag for the last time. ben got the first one for me eleven years ago - and i have used it most days since i got it. the main zipper recently gave out (i have been nursing it along and unzipping it so carefully for the past few weeks) - and most of the fabric is soft from years of wear. i went looking on ebay and found the same one, in like-new condidtion. tonight, i switched my things from old bag to new and discarded the old one. this felt like something worth marking. so, here is the documentation - for myself.