{i wrote this last thursday night. and then i did our taxes. and those four hours, 10:30pm - 2:14am + a little in the morning on friday, those four hours were the fish. there it was, waiting for me all along. but it took walking to the water and throwing in the line, doing the work of fishing, before i could land the fish.
and you are thinking, fish? what fish? what is she talking about? read on.}
the days when i'm quiet here, it's because there's too much to say, and i don't know how . . .
i'm so grateful for the direction we are going. so grateful for my husband. so grateful for our kids. and our dog. and our home. and, and, and . . . i have so. very. many. things that i am grateful for.
but right now, more than ever before, i think, we are squeezed to the max. april 8 is so close, and so far, all at once.
i can hardly breathe. i need to do something different with my job, but the avenue i need to explore can't be explored quite yet (phone call on monday, the 10th). ben's filler job is filling some cracks, but it's not a real job. ben is working so hard at this filler job and on his class and on everything he has to do to have his new jobs in place. and there are deadlines and bills and how is this next month going to pan out?
i'm juggling phone calls and errands and house chores and finding sitters and straightening out this and that and trying to be wife and mom and teacher and me . . .
and i just want to be present.
i was reading stories to maddie and isaac tonight and i almost choked up. they are so wonderful. it's not fair to them that i am so worried right now. but i'm trying. trying not to be. i'm making cookies and reading stories and holding them tight and loving them. loving them. loving them.
help, Thou, mine unbelief
God provided the money peter needed in the mouth of a fish. He's crazy amazing like that. and i'm wondering, where's the fish? where's the fish? and i'm knowing that God often waits till the eleventh hour. but this feels like the longest eleventh hour there ever has been.
and i'm feeling like the things i do well, are they enough?
and we're trying to be good stewards. and i'm knowing that he that is faithful with little will be rewarded with much. and i'm trying to be faithful with what i've got right now. and wondering if there's something i've got terribly wrong. it seems like right now we've just got too much . . . too much to juggle and nothing under control.
and i'm tired. i'm so tired. tired of holding it all together.
today, for a while, i just wanted to pull the curtains and pull the covers over my head and go to sleep. and go back to sleep when i woke. and go back to sleep when i woke. and just hide. in a dark cocoon of sleep . . .
but instead i opened the curtains wide, and stripped the sheets from all the beds and started the first of seven loads of laundry, and now all the beds are fresh for sleeping tonight. and i read to the kids. and i showered and scrubbed. and i finished a blog post. and i wrote some notes. and i did a project with the kiddos. and we went to the library. and we ate well, three times today. and parts of the house are clean. and the chickens have been fed and watered, twice. and, and, and . . .
and i should be working on our taxes. but i needed to write. i needed to put this down, together. i needed to let myself think and feel some of the things that i just keep pushing back and down and i feel like i just might, well, explode isn't the right word . . . i just might start seeping. seeping from my eyes. and if i start, i just might never stop.
but, i won't sit and cry. i'll get doing. i'll throw out my line. turbo tax freedom edition (even the name has a nice ring to it, right?) here i come.
{so, i still wanted to share this with you. because God answers prayer. God still sends money in the mouth of a fish. and the eleventh hour does come to an end. (we are still waiting for the actual return to be deposited - but we know what we are waiting for!) and ben and i are in this together. and our kids are doing just fine. and though i worry and have questions, i know that our God is good.}
