128 . . . ounces of liquid I drank
? ? . . . trips to the bathroom (it was a LOT)
24 . . . Christmas cards I wrote
32 . . . comments on blogs
0 . . . cups of coffee
1 . . . night I spent at the research facility
So, we got up this morning, had ECGs (eco-cardiograms), peed in a cup - again!, and waited to find out if we were selected to stay on for the study or not.
I should take a break here and say that Ben and I and many of our other family members were praying that if this study would be safe for me that I would get in, and that if it would not be safe for me that God would protect me and not allow me to stay for the study.
The study doctor started assigning beds to the people who would stay for the study. I was fully prepared to not have my name called. But - he called my name! I moved some of my things to my new bed and then got called to have my first blood draw of the study. Six tubes to be filled. The girl (who was in training) got right into my vein and filled one tube. Then on the second, she broke the vacuum seal on the tube and needed another tube. She left the needle in my arm while she was waiting for another tube - a long enough wait that my blood clotted. Great. Now I get to get poked again. And then she couldn't get my vein right and it was taking really long and then she handed the needle off to another girl (while it was still in my arm). And then I got really hot and I started to get fuzzy. And I didn't feel right at all. Another nurse asked me if I was OK; I wasn't, but I wanted to just get the tubes filled and have it done. Then the nurse asked me where I live. I had to think really hard about it. I told her. Then she asked me how long I had lived there. And I didn't know. And everything was starting to go dark . . . I said I didn't feel well. At all. They walked me to my bed and put my feet up. And came over and poked me again. And filled the last two tubes. Then I laid with my feet up for quite a while. And finally, the study doctor came over and told me that I had lost my bed because of how the blood draw had gone. So I moved my stuff again.
Another girl that I had visited with a little hadn't gotten in to the study either. I asked her where she lives and she told me that she lives in a town about two hours south of where I live. I asked her if she would give me a ride to my town? She was happy to. (So neither Ben nor my mom had to drive and hour to pick me up, then drive an hour back home.) We had a really nice visit. Our conversation made the hour drive go really quickly.
Ben met us at the main road so she wouldn't have to drive me all the way into town; then he took me out for COFFEE! before I went to get Maddie and Isaac from my mom's house.
Earlier this afternoon, I was having really mixed feelings about being back home. I had done so much to prepare for 11 days. I had done laundry for myself and my family, I had lined up some babysitters, I had cleaned my whole house, I had packed up books and sewing and Christmas cards, I had paid bills and made phone calls . . . all in preparation for being gone 11 days. I had talked with my kids and Ben about it a lot. I had tried to mentally prepare myself . . . . and after I got home and felt more like myself again, I realized that I got sent home over an inexperienced nurse. And I hadn't even questioned it, because I was still feeling woozy from that blood draw.
I just felt a serious sense of let-down. Of course I am happy to be home with my family. But I was prepared to be away. And I was prepared to make that money and pay those bills and buy some fun Christmas gifts.
So I called Ben. He is so good at bringing perspective to me. He just reminded me that we had all been praying, and that God is good to answer our prayers. It wouldn't have mattered if I would have questioned or not. He told me to not think for a minute that it is my fault that I'm not still in that study. God knew I would have the inexperienced nurse and that my draw would go the way it did. He reminded me that God is in control and that if He wanted me in that study, that blood draw would have gone smoothly.
7 . . . good things ::
*a ride home for the cost of a McDonalds fruit parfait
*my mom didn't have to watch my kiddos all day when she woke up not feeling well this morning
*I didn't have to stay in a room with no windows for 10 more days
*I didn't have to eat hospital food for 10 more days
*No more blood draws (experienced nurse or no)
*I can go with my family to visit Ben's parents, my aunt and uncle and some other friends
*A renewed trust that God has things in control
Do I think that the study drug will be harmful to others who are there? No. I just know that there is a reason that God didn't want me there. Whether His reason pertains directly to the study drug or to my physical and mental make-up or to how my kiddos would have handled me being gone that long . . . I don't know. I just know that I trust Him and I am supposed to be home.
And now, after all these words, I will be back with pictures tomorrow . . .
